Speculating the Plot of Indiana Jones 5
Have you heard the news? Indiana Jones 5 is apparently happening. Why, one might ask? It’s hard to say with any certainty, seeing as the most recent installment, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, was an unmistakeable affront to the dignity and emotions of at least three generations of Americans.
But in the words of Caesar, “the die is cast,” so we might as well start doing what others will be doing relentlessly until the film is released: speculating the living daylights out of it. We’re going to keep it to the basics and guess what the plot and title might be.
Indiana Jones and the Unmovable Board
After a year-long sabbatical, the aging Dr. Jones is excited to publish his findings, which include some astonishing revelations about prehistoric cultures. Unfortunately, he’s told by the Institutional Review Board that his methods of scientific discovery are “questionable” and “discredit his conclusions.” Enraged, Indy sets out to make some more scientific discoveries, this time taking extra care to follow the proper process, which proves to be difficult when being chased by Nazis. Supporting cast includes Franz Himmler, a Nazi sympathizer who sits on the IRB and somehow fails to be noticed by Jones, a guy who literally fights Nazis every two or three years.
Indiana Jones and the Totem of Betrayal
Someone’s been stealing artifacts from Professor Jones’ office! Following a hot trail of leads — many of which bring him near death — Indiana finds himself on Santorini, where he uncovers the evil plot. As it turns out, the stolen artifacts are being used to revive the magic of an ancient Greek talisman. The perpetrator? George Yang, Indiana’s TA from an Intro-level Archaeology course who was fed up enough with Dr. Jones’ constant leaves of absence that he agreed to work in cahoots with the real villain, who we’ll just guess is Pol Pot. Supporting cast includes Kara Kent, a 19-year-old sophomore in Indy’s class, who he definitely doesn’t sleep with, especially not on the boat ride from Santo Domingo to Milan.
Indiana Jones and the Distinction of Tedium
A very old Indiana Jones has given up his days of relic-hunting to settle down and spend more time with his grandchildren. But things aren’t as they seem, and Indy soon realizes that his grandchildren — aged 7 and 9 — don’t know anything about archaeology. Dr. Jones hesitantly accepts the challenge of educating, spending an entire hour of the film lecturing his prepubescent grandchildren about the difference between paleontology and archaeology.
Indiana Jones and the Headwear Dilemma
We all know that Indiana Jones wears a fedora — it’s his trademark. But what happens when bucket hats come into fashion? Indiana Jones grapples with his sense of self and external identity in this powerful, introspective masterpiece that will have you leaving the theater with a mind full of questions about your own identity.
Indiana Jones and the Sidekick Horde
After such a positive experience employing Short Round as his sidekick in Temple of Doom, Indy decides to foray into philanthropy, opening an orphanage in the Himalayas, which he refers to as a “sidekick farm.” In this coming-of-age classic, Indiana develops an especially paternal relationship with a young boy who Indy dubs “Brown Rice.” He takes Brown Rice — a scared, vulnerable orphan — and forms him in his own image, turning the boy into an arrogant treasure hunter who disrespects women and kind of sucks at hand-to-hand combat. This feel-good, inspiring flick is an instant classic.
Indiana Jones and the Forest of the Dead
Indiana Jones hears a story on the news about a mysterious shipwreck and decides to investigate. On the coast of the island near which the shipwreck happened, he is shocked to find his long-lost brother, Greg, stranded from the shipwreck. Figuring this must not be a coincidence, Indiana ventures into the thick forests of the island where he finds an army of zombies — FROM THE FUTURE. Indiana must team up with Russians (who, by the way, have settled the island) to determine where the zombies came from, but soon finds out that the Russians created the zombies as an attempted superweapon when arms limitation talks began, and that the zombies are actually nuclear weapons disguised as zombies. Indiana flees the island, only to meet Ferdinand Magellan, who settled a nearby island after faking his death in 1521 and found the Fountain of Youth underground. Ferdinand Magellan, Greg, and Indiana Jones travel into the future to obtain an element critical to the creation of a weapon that can kill the zombies, but find that the Russians have beaten them to the future to find it. So the three decide to travel back in the past, so they can travel back into the future before the Russians travel back into the past then back into the future. They succeed, then destroy the zombie army, then destroy the Russians, only to find out that the Russians have gone back further in time to one-up Indiana’s time travel. Indiana Jones says, “Enough of this shit,” hijacks a nuclear submarine and nukes Moscow, then bangs a female Russian archaeologist who he used black magic to bring back from the future/past/afterlife because he was pretty intent on hitting that.