Roger Goodell’s List of Approved Songs for Katy Perry’s Halftime Show
First of all, thank you for agreeing to participate in the halftime show for Super Bowl XLIX. I can’t wait to see your performance! Before you begin preparing, I wanted to give you some guidelines for your performance, according to
my NFL regulations — below you’ll find a list of your songs that are approved for the show.
Note: Please adhere to these guidelines. I can take recourse if you do not, and trust me, I am not one to skimp on a punishment.
Firework — This one should be great! I love it. Don’t change a thing. We can even light off some fireworks during the number!
Waking Up In Vegas — This is another one I’d definitely love to hear you perform! I might, however, suggest some minor lyric changes; Las Vegas isn’t exactly the type of message we want to send. Wouldn’t want anybody to associate professional football with gambling, of course. To be frank, I’d just like the song to appeal to a larger media market. What about “Waking Up In Los Angeles” or “Waking Up In London”?
Wide Awake — Great choice! I appreciate how the song gives a positive message, that even when you are “falling hard,” you can always land on your feet. Gravity hurts, indeed, but even though you fell to the concrete, you still woke up! I just love the idea that falling in love isn’t nearly as hazardous to your physical and mental health as all the experts say it is.
Dark Horse — Yes! This song is fantastic. In the NFL, we love to see dark horse teams succeed. After all, how frustrating would a sport be if one team — let’s say, a team like, I don’t know, the Patriots — went to the playoffs almost every year for a decade and a half?
E.T. — Yeah, I get off real fucking good on this one.
Last Friday Night — You can sing this song as long as you change every line that illustrates an act for which an NFL player has been arrested in the last year. Not negotiable.
Teenage Dream — Perfect!!! I’m all for any message appealing to young football players. After all, what sort of teenager wouldn’t dream of an NFL career? Definitely perform this one.
California Gurls — Love the message of this song. How about bringing in Carrie Underwood for a duet? No? Robin Thicke?
Birthday — This song is…interesting. I’m flattered by the gesture, I suppose, but my birthday isn’t until February 19th. 18 days seems a little early for the honor. But thank you for the thought!
Roar — Hmm. I couldn’t help but notice that this song has a sort of, well, “self-confidence” tone to it. Like an “I can do anything, down with authority” type of attitude. Not so sure I’m feeling that. You can only perform this song if you change most of the lyrics. Actually, you need to change all of them. Especially the part where it says “eye of the tiger.” The only tigers in the NFL are the Bengals, and I can almost guarantee you they will not make it to the Super Bowl.
I Kissed A Girl — So I was thinking we could just steer clear of this one altogether, if you’re okay with that. As a matter of fact, let’s just go ahead and nix any song involving any actions done toward women.
Ur So Gay — You know where Arizona is, right? You know that’s where the Super Bowl is going to be held? Yes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure.
This Is How We Do — Honestly, this just isn’t a very good song.
Thank you in advance for complying with our regulations. Please don’t dress like a promiscuous zoo animal.