J.J. Watt as Khal Drogo

If Every Major “Game of Thrones” Character Was An NFL Player: The Role Players

May 16, 2015 / by , , , , / 6 Comments

Violence. Intrigue. Morally questionable leadership. A male-dominated world where life comes cheap and delusions of grandeur blind all involved to the rotting aspects that are festering away within the game. The similarities between the NFL and Game of Thrones are endless, so here’s our list of what NFL player just about every character in the series most resembles, starting with the show’s role players:

Jerry Jones as Balon Greyjoy

So caught up in their entitlement to greatness that they don’t know how to actually be competent.

RGIII as Bran Stark

RGIII as Bran Stark

Destined for greatness, but basically can’t walk.

Reggie Bush as Aemon Targaryen

Voluntarily relinquished their rights to eternal glory (the Heisman, the Iron Throne) to instead toil away from the game’s centers of power in a run-down hellhole.

Bruce Arians as Benjen Stark

Respected, fierce warrior who is constantly hampered by a sub-par and often injured and/or murdered on-field product.

Ndamukong Suh as The Mountain

Brad Johnson as Catelyn Stark

Fiercely loyal and respected devotee who can’t offer much besides advice and support.

Frank Gore as Gendry

Deserves so much better than the daily grind he’s had to go through.

Tom Coughlin as Grand Maester Pycell

So fucking old that they’re starting to look more like elves than the crumbling husks of men that they are.

Marshawn Lynch as Hodor

Marshawn Lynch as Hodor

Strongmen with incredibly limited vocabularies that captivate millions. 

Terrell Suggs as Grey Worm

Just because Grey Worm is a member of the unsullied doesn’t mean that he didn’t get an undergrad degree from Ball So Hard University.

Darrelle Revis as Jaqen H’ghar

Mysterious experts of their craft that you’d best steer clear of if you know what’s good for you.

Nick Foles as Jojen Reed

Still unclear why people think he’s so important. 

J.J. Watt as Khal Drogo

J.J. Watt as Khal Drogo

SO STRONG. TOO STRONG. WHY SO STRONG?

A.J. Green as Loras Tyrell

Good on paper, and astounding every once in a while in real life. But neither one has had the chance to show off what they can do while supporting a side that’s always just a couple of missed opportunities away from their end goal.

Marc Trestman as Lysa Arryn

Lots of potential, but in the end there was nowhere to go but down.

Calvin Johnson as Mance Rayder

Exceptional talent, but peak years lost spent toiling in a barren wasteland to the north on an existential quest of futility.

Demaryius Thomas as Meera Reed

Always there in Peyton Manning/Jojen’s time of need.

Pam Oliver as Gilly

Pam Oliver as Gilly

Somehow always on the sidelines during all the biggest action.

DeMarco Murray as Missandei

Sneaky important, and both are doing way more than their fair share of work.

Brett Favre as Ned Stark

Not the smartest guys, and probably not the most deft at navigating the waters of political intrigue. Both are just hard-working leaders who lived their lives nobly, maybe showed their penis to the wrong person once in awhile, and in the end just couldn’t keep up with the times. But both will be remembered long after they’re gone.

Ray Lewis as Olenna Tyrell

Murdered somebody, but got away with it through sheer charm and charisma.

Andy Reid as Orell

a) Moustaches
b) Eagles
c) Total jagoffs

Brandon Marshall as Osha

Compelling personalities that refused to be tamed.

Tony Romo as Podrick Payne

Tony Romo as Podrick Payne

Affable, bumbling fools who still seem to do their job just well enough to keep around. They also bat way above their league when it comes to women.

Terrell Owens as Prince Oberyn

Megalomaniacal, but also undeniably attractive. Both were probably awesome to party with, but their arrogance led to an awful-to-watch demise.

Josh Gordon as Pyat Pree

Mysteriously talented guys with a noted substance abuse problem.

Rex Ryan as Ramsay Snow/Bolton

Both probably spend their days and nights thinking of new ways to cruelly torture their play things, considering that Jets and Bills fans are definitely the Reeks of the NFL.  

Wes Welker as Daario Naharis

Wes Welker as Daario Naharis

Can you even IMAGINE how much tail they’ve gotten? It’s also perpetually unclear who’s team either one is actually on in any given moment.

Michael Sam as Renly Baratheon

Wanted desperately to play the game, but not taken too seriously because of their sexuality.

Derek Carr as Rickon Stark

You feel like they should do something big, but it just doesn’t seem likely to happen.

Colin Kaepernick as Robb Stark

Seemed unstoppable for a time there, until all the sudden they very much weren’t.

Philip Rivers as Robin Arryn

Philip Rivers as Robin Arryn

Entitled douchebag / petulant child who hasn’t done anything of value in their entire life. 

John Harbaugh as Roose Bolton

Hard working, coldly calculating men who seem like decent enough guys until BOOM they murder you at your wedding.

Vinny Testaverde as Ros

Whore themselves out to everyone.

Greg Schiano as Ser Alliser

Total hard-asses that nobody likes (and mediocre leaders at that), but to be fair they were just doing what they thought was necessary for the team to survive.

Peyton Manning as Ser Barristan Selmy

Peyton Manning as Ser Barristan Selmy

Storied, respected soldiers, but one of these days they’re just gonna be too goddamn old.

Drew Brees as Ser Jeor Mormont

Both are getting old as shit, but both still undeniably have it. That said, everybody knows that their performance suffers in cold weather.

Troy Polamalu as Ser Rodrik Cassel

Loyal to their team to the bitter end — right up until they’re unceremoniously forced out/killed. Also both have totally bitchin’ hair.

Michael Vick as Shae

We wanted to love them so badly, but in the end you just don’t want to hear the court testimony.

Chad Ochocinco as Syrio Forel

Dancing instructors. Duh.

LeSean McCoy as Talisa

Heralded as incredible options, but both never really had the opportunity to do much. Daggers on the cut tho.

Jim Harbaugh as The Hound

Incredibly skilled warriors and tacticians, and probably decent guys beneath the rough facade. But all that bad karma is starting to add up.

Rob Gronkowski as Bronn

Rob Gronkowski as Bronn

Super skilled, but also fucking obnoxious partying dudebros.

Joe Flacco as Tommen Baratheon

MEHHHHHH. Everybody says we’re supposed to respect them, but do we have to?

Jimmy Graham as Tormund Giantsbane

Unstoppable beheamoths of men who wreak havoc on all who dare oppose them.

Adrian Peterson as Viserys Targaryen

Both could have been somebody incredible if they weren’t such abusive sons of a bitch.

Ahmad Bradshaw as Yara Greyjoy

Unlikely heroes after Theon/Eli were such fuck-ups.

Cam Newton as Ygritte

Personalities that you can’t help but love, even if you have an impending sense of how badly this is going to turn out.

Zachary Taylor as Yoren

If you only knew the thankless tasks these guys had to toil through day-in, day-out.

Jack Del Rio as The White Walkers

Jack Del Rio as the White Walkers

Soulless eyes. Good god those piercingly blue eyes of the forever undead.

Part 2: The Stars.