GOP Candidates As Very Minor Characters in Star Wars
In light of tonight’s release of The Force Awakens, the Internet has been producing unthinkable amounts of content related to the hit series, ranging from Disney-sponsored Spotify playlists to Bill Kristol’s unwanted musings on meritocracy to the inevitable Salon thinkpiece bravely wading through the almost-unanimous excitement about the movie to find something about which to needlessly complain. It might be the only thing getting more media attention than the unextinguishable dumpster fire that is the GOP presidential race. So why not combine them in a way that gives the world the #content it so thirstily craves, while only using secondary and tertiary characters because I’m a nerd and fuck you?
Donald Trump as Sebulba
This one was a no-brainer. Sebulba and Trump are both guys who walk around picking fights, being dickheads, and constantly extolling their own skills. It’s no stretch to imagine Donald Trump talking about how he’s got “the biggest, best podracer of all time, very fast and powerful, sure to win.” It is also not a stretch to imagine Sebulba proposing that Mos Eisley build a wall to keep out the Gungans, because they’re criminals who steal frogs from markets. Ultimately, the only difference between Sebulba and Trump is that Sebulba is a fictional character, while Trump is a real human being who wants to lead the free world. We all look forward to hearing Trump shout “Pudu!” when he falls short of that goal.
Ted Cruz as Admiral Ackbar
Brilliant political cartoon that recently appeared in the New Yorker aside, Ted Cruz — possibly the fear-mongeriest of all the fear-mongery fear-mongerers — has basically adopted “It’s a trap!!!” as his platform. Refugees? It’s a trap! Religious freedom for non-Christians? It’s a trap! Also, I didn’t notice it until just now, but there is actually a bit of a resemblance, isn’t there?
Jeb! Bush as the Viceroy of the Trade Federation
At a glance, it seems like the Viceroy should be a main player in the prequels. He is fairly important and works with many of the main players. And yet, he ends up being fairly irrelevant, and when he is central to the plot, he’s mostly pushed around. This should all sound pretty familiar to our buddy Jeb!. I also have a feeling Jeb! would have agreed with the Viceroy’s blockading of Naboo, and would have spoken out against any proposed rapprochement policies in that situation.
Ben Carson as a Jawa
When Jawas communicate, nobody ever has any idea what the fuck they’re talking about. Are they trying to coordinate the best way to transport R2-D2? Are they just shooting the breeze? Are they discussing whether Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns? Nobody knows. But when these little guys go to work, they’re very efficient. To clarify, I’m not saying Carson would be efficient as Commander-in-Chief of the United States, I’m saying he’s a good brain surgeon. I bet Jawas would be okay brain surgeons, too. But I wouldn’t want them sitting in the Oval Office for anything more than a brief, hilarious photo op.
Marco Rubio as Kitster
These are two young, ethnically ambiguous, excitable guys, so it seems natural to pair them. I can’t speak to Kitster’s foreign policy chops, but it’s safe to say that Kitster is terrible at podracing in comparison to Anakin, and Rubio similarly did this last time he tried to be sporty. But mostly, they’re both young and adorable.
Chris Christie as Boss Nass
Is this a fat joke? Yes, of course this is a fat joke. I mean, look at these guys. Look at their chins. Look at their sunken eyes. How could we not compare the two? But beyond appearances, consider that Boss Nass sees himself as an outsider to the political arena on his home planet, that he took great joy in sending strangers on a treacherous route to their destination (#Coregate), and that the image of Chris Christie getting duped by a Jedi mind trick is too good to ignore.
Rand Paul as Tusken Raiders
If Rand Paul were elected president, the world he would work to create would probably be just a smattering of Tusken-style nomadic camps, free from the burden of bureaucracy and big government. It’s different, to be sure, but at the end of the day, the occasional rape and captivity of an innocent woman from Mos Eisley is a small price to pay for the assurance that your phone isn’t bugged. The only downside here is that those Tusken masks would hide Rand’s beautiful locks.
Carly Fiorina as Chancellor Valorum
Both Fiorina and Valorum were so dismal at their jobs that they were forced to resign (or straight up voted out of power), and it’s hard to remember them for much besides that. Not much else is known of Chancellor Valorum, though it’s rumored that he will return in The Force Awakens and help Leia get in touch with some of his contacts in the tech industry.
Mike Huckabee as the Sarlacc Pit
Explanation needed? Yes, probably. But no explanation offered. It just makes sense.
John Kasich as The Ewok Who Finds Leia
The first comparison to draw here is that John Kasich frequently gets fired up for no reason, much like the Ewok does. The Ewok may be slightly more hospitable toward foreigners (Leia is sort of a refugee in this situation), but only by a little bit. Kasich’s rhetoric may be slightly more discernible than Yub Nub, but only by a little bit. The biggest difference between these two is that the Ewok lives in a place that could conceivably be appealing as a habitat.