Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 9 Recap

June 07, 2015 / by / 3 Comments

There are two types of people who loved this week’s Game of Thrones episode: people who really hate young girls and people who really love riveting television. I won’t tell you the category into which I fall, but I will tell you that this week’s episode of Thrones had me on the edge of my seat for all 54 minutes of the season’s penultimate installment.

Here’s what GoT showrunners and perpetual thinkpiece prey David Benioff and D.B. Weiss gave us this week:

Did you know oysters were an aphrodisiac?

Or, to be more specific, they “get the juices flowing.” Anyway, if you, unlike I, don’t have perverted family members that take immense pleasure in bringing this up every time you try to enjoy one measly piece of goddamn shellfish, you definitely won’t emerge from this week’s episode not knowing that little tidbit. It becomes quite relevant as Arya shirks her assigned duty of poisoning the thin man — WHO, IN MY OPINION, HAS A PRETTY AVERAGE BODY TYPE — so she can tail Ser Meryn Trant, who is accompanying Mace Tyrell to Braavos for his meeting with the Iron Bank.

Arya follows Ser Meryn and his two guards (why does a guard need his own guards?) into a brothel, where Ser Meryn insists on having an underage prostitute. After cautiously entertaining her request of his “a/s/l?” and verifying that this wasn’t one of those Dateline NBC situations, he takes the young girl into another room. As the door closes, a star pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen that reads: “PEDOPHILIA — ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!” Hats off to the showrunners; they’ve knocked another elusive item off their punchlist of human filth. They’ve earned 3 cheat codes and 85 enraged bloggers.

Daddy Issues

Remember earlier in the season, when Melisandre told Stannis he needed to sacrifice his daughter, Shireen, to her fire sex gods, and Stannis was like “shit no” then went and had a beautiful, emotional scene with his daughter?

Haha. Yeah, so do I.

Anyway, in just another classic #DadMisunderstanding, Stannis BURNED HIS DAUGHTER ALIVE SO HE COULD QUOTE UNQUOTE FULFILL HIS DESTINY. She screamed shrilly and he just shrugged it off. It was a nice scene that didn’t make anyone nauseous.

This, of course, came after Ramsay Snow and his twenty men managed to sneak into Stannis’ camp and burn all his food, which is certainly a dick move, but also a pleasant surprise since he did it without flaying or castrating anyone…That we know of.

Wildling-Crow Reunion

Jon Snow, Tormund Giantsbane, Jon’s friend who looks kind of like Bronn, the big fucking giant, and the entire army of Wildlings came knocking at Castle Black after having seen some shit at Hardhome. Ser Alliser thankfully let them pass under The Wall and through Castle Black. The men of the Night’s Watch were, per tradition, total chodes, especially Ollie, who continued moping about “his family and everyone he ever knew getting brutally murdered by Wildlings” yada yada yada. He seems very unwilling to let that one go.

Meanwhile, In Dorne

You know who fucking sucks? Ellyria Sand. It’s actually impressive that she is unable to separate Cersei and Tywin’s actions from the Lannister house at large. Read a book, Illyria. Preferably one about game theory.

For the time being, Prince Doran has bested Ellyria by agreeing to let Jaime and Bronn return to King’s Landing with Myrcella and Trystane. Bronn did have to get punched in the face first, as an actual condition. But despite Ellyria’s supposed fielty, she doesn’t seem the type to go down without a fight, so look forward to one of your favorite characters dying soon.

Shit Goes Down in Meereen

In Meereen, we see the fighting pits, as Daenerys, Tyrion, Daario, and the guy who looks like Lenny Kravitz’ cousin look on from their box seats. The first fight occurs between two gladiators, one strong and one quick, just in case the symbolism was lost on us. The queen and her entourage exchange some sharp-witted remarks about the strong and the quick and which has greater advantage in the world. That question is left unanswered, but the question of “which has greater advantage in the fighting arena” is answered quite definitively when the strong man decapitates the shit out of the quick one.

The next fight occurs among six people: a “Meereenese champion,” four other guys whose introductions aren’t heard so I’m assuming they’re just a selection of characters from Mario Party, and none other than Jorah Mormont, the proverbial Ed Sheeran of Essos. It comes down to the Meereenese champion and Jorah, and Jorah overcomes the Meereenese fellow by managing a perfectly-executed somersault (B+A then right bumper) and skewering his opponent with his sword. He then casually takes his opponent’s spear and hucks it through the chest of a Masked Man about to assassinate Daenerys. Surprise! Masked bitches all over the place. It turns into a bloody ambush, and Lenny Kravitz’ cousin gets the shit stabbed out of him. Daenerys, Daario, Jorah, Tyrion, and Missandei (plus some of the nutless soldiers) find themselves in the center of the arena, surrounded and very outnumbered. Hmm, a small number of talented fighters in a gladiatorial arena overwhelmed by enemies? WHERE’D YA COME UP WITH THAT ONE, THRONES?

As in Attack of the Clones, the stragglers are rescued by aerial support, this time in the form of what I understand to be Dragon-ex-machina. The dragon, in all it’s extravagant CGI glory, swoops into the stadium and breathes fire all over the trifling bitches threatening his mother. He gets a couple spears in his back from it, but he’s a goddamn dragon, he’ll be fine. The episode ends with Daenerys riding her dragon out of the stadium, with no clear indication whether Jorah, Daario, Tyrion, Missandei, and the Unsullied have won their fight. Until next week!