Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 9 Recap and Review

June 08, 2014 / by / 31 Comments

If you’re anything like me, you are still coping with the disgusting tragedy that was Season 4 Episode 8. The disgusting, disgusting, terrible, mortifying tragedy. Fortunately, Episode 9, “The Watchers On The Wall,” didn’t provide a similar emotional blow. Granted, neither could filling an entire city with corgi puppies and fucking nuking it, but still, you can take comfort in knowing that it’s not going to leave you cold and shamed, lying naked on the floor.1

Anyway, last week’s episode left us with a lot of unanswered questions. Is Tyrion really going to be executed? Will Arya and Sansa be reunited? Where will Jorah take his talents? What’s the Boltons’ next move? LOL yeah fuck you, you aren’t getting any of those questions answered this week. Instead, you’re going to see huge developments in just one plot: The battle for Castle Black. [spoilers ahead]

The episode opens on the wall with a conversation between Jon Snow and Sam. And guess what? Sam’s being a pussy, and Jon Snow is being annoyingly courageous. Jon tells Sam he can abandon his watch, so Sam goes to the library.

Just replace these seven people with veiny bald men who kill people then eat their flesh!

In the library, Sam is approached by Aemon Targaryen, who — despite his blindness — knows it’s Sam, because Sam just kinda hangs around the library a lot. Sam is worried about Gilly, who he believes was slaughtered by wildlings in Molestown. Aemon takes this opportunity to talk about his youth, specifically his sexual exploits with a paramour of his own.

Soon thereafter, Gilly arrives in Castle Black with her child, shaken up after the wildlings had just sacked Molestown. Sam hides her in what appears to be a supply closet since he knows the wildlings are attacking soon, then kisses her passionately before leaving because reading all those books in the library just got his libido through the roof.

Anyway, enough boring shit. Finally, the battle begins. It is signaled when, north of the wall, Mance Rayder’s army light the entire fucking forest on fire, because Mance Rayder is a Nazi.


The wildling raiding party proceeds to attack the front gate of Castle Black, basically shredding ass everywhere. With Ygritte, Tormund, the main Thenn, and a lot of other terrifying people, they are quite a formidable foe. Ygritte — still bitter about the break-up — had previously announced that she wishes to kill Jon Snow herself, after digging the key into the side of his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive.

As the attack begins, Ser Alliser Thorne and Jon Snow stand atop the wall, overlooking the army. Ser Alliser Thorne admits he should have listened to Jon Snow but doesn’t apologize, then gives a speech about leadership because apparently we’re watching Coach Carter now. He then puts Janos Slynt in charge of operations atop the wall, which sucks, because Janos Slynt is a piece of shit with a hooked nose and probably a micropenis. Janos refuses to entertain the notion that the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE AND GIANTS could ever break through one measly gate tunneling through the wall, but is soon tricked into going back to the front gate by Grenn, who is easily the dumbest person in this series. And by “going back to the front gate,” I mean, “pussying out and hiding in the same supply closet as Gilly where he probably made half-hearted attempts to comfort her baby but didn’t succeed because even a stupid baby knows that guys with hooked noses and probably micropenises can’t be trusted.” So now, Alliser Thorne is leading the attack at the front gate, while Jon Snow commands things atop the wall.

The massive army approaches the wall. Jon Snow orders his men to toss barrels of oil over the edge of the wall to make the giants and mammoths and shit get all slippery and slidey, a trick he learned playing Mario Kart with Bran at Winterfell. Two giants and their enormous riding beasts are pretty close to breaching the wall until the Night’s Watch rains explosive oily fire on them, which is pretty cool, except for that only one giant dies, and the other giant proceeds to rage-lift the back gate and get inside. So that could be a potential problem down the road, in forty-five seconds or so. Jon Snow orders Grenn and five others to hold the tunnel.

Moments later, Sam — who is somehow still alive — has the little Oliver Twist-like kid in charge of the nifty wall elevator send him up to the top before instructing the kid to go kill some people, effectively making Samwell Tarly the Joseph Kony of Castle Black. At the top of the wall, Sam implores Jon Snow to help the fight down at the gate, so Jon puts his other friend — WHO APPARENTLY IS JUST NAMED ED — in charge of the wall while he goes down to fight.

At the main courtyard (is it a courtyard? Jesus, I don’t know), Alliser Thorne is going on a killing spree, showing off some mad fighting skills and actually being almost likable for a hot second. He then gets in a 1-on-1 battle with Tormund, who bests Thorne by stabbing him in what appeared to be the Dick Region. Thorne escapes with just his life and maybe not much of his genitalia. Meanwhile, Ygritte is just raining arrows on bitches left and right.

Jon Snow soon gets into a 1-on-1 battle with the leader of the Thenns. The guy has probably two feet on Jon Snow and is, well, fucking terrifying. Jon is cornered, but is fortunate enough to find a hammer within arm’s reach, which he uses to drive through the dude’s fucking skull using the claw. Yeah, it’s pretty sexy. A lot of blood.

But guess who spotted this little 1-on-1 battle? Ygritte! As Jon Snow emerges from the site at which he metaphorically cranium-boned the Thenn leader, he finds Ygritte ten feet away with an arrow pointed at him. Obviously she hesitates, because I guess Nicholas fucking Sparks wrote this series. The tension is softened when Jon Snow smiles at her. She begins to break a smile. She doesn’t finish breaking a smile, because she is stuck with an arrow. Who shot the arrow, you might ask? LITTLE FUCKING OLIVER TWIST WITH HIS BABY BOW. YOU SEE, SAM? YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT WEAPONS IN THE HANDS OF A CHILD? #KONY2012

As Ygritte slowly dies, the little orphan bastard gives Jon a confident head nod that says either, “You’re welcome for saving your life” or “Nice slampiece bro.” Both, possibly. Jon and Ygritte exchange a few words as she dies, mostly reflecting on the time they did the ass-nasty in a cave pool. Honestly, if having sex in a natural hot springs is the thought that graces my mind as I breathe my last breath, like okay, I could deal with that.

In the tunnel, Grenn and his five companions brace themselves behind a little gate as a giant comes literally fucking sprinting toward them. They shout the Night’s Watch sonnet or whatever it is as he charges, and we later find out that all six of them died along with the giant, so that’s pretty sad.

But the battle is over! Well, basically. Tormund is still fighting, but Jon hits him with a crossbow before ordering him to be locked up in chains for later questioning. Sam returns to Gilly and her baby, and finds Janos sulking in a little potato sack like the family-sized tupperware full of smegma he truly is.

So, thankfully, the situation at The Wall is set for this season — no more fear of Jon Snow dying. LOL JK Jon Snow decides he will head north of the wall to speak with and/or kill Mance Rayder with the hopes of fragmenting the wildling army.

Take-aways from this episode: Ygritte was good all along, but it doesn’t matter, because she’s dead. Sam sometimes pretends to be brave, but he’s still kind of obnoxious. Jon Snow is fucking awesome, and this episode confirms that he is one of the best characters still alive. Alliser Thorne is maybe less of a dick than we thought, even though he still kind of sucks. Janos Slynt is basically just a chode with two legs and a nervous system. Gingers don’t fare well in Westeros.