Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 8 Recap and Review
Do something quickly for me: think back to the happiest moment of your life. Maybe it was when you were a kid, sitting outside on a summer day, eating ice cream and not having a care in the world. Maybe it was the first time you realized you were in love. Maybe it was Joffrey’s death in Episode 2.
Picture that moment vividly. Think about the sights, sounds, smells. Try to truly relive that moment.
Do you have it? Are you there? Great. You feel nice, right? You do? Okay, good.
You see, I wanted to give you one last moment of true happiness before telling you what happens in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones.
Not to be that guy, but I’ve been saying it for weeks. This season had been too good to us. First, Arya went on a righteous killing spree. Then Joffrey died. Then Daenerys had another successful liberation campaign. Then Jon Snow and Bran both narrowly evaded death, with their assailants getting killed as a result. Then Lysa Arryn got pushed out the moon door at The Vale instead of Sansa. Everything was just going too goddamn well. We were long overdue for something very, very bad, and GRRM delivered, as he always does. [Spoilers ahead now]
The event I’m referring to, of course, is the trial by combat to decide Tyrion’s fate. So let me just tell you what the fuck happens.
The Mountain and Prince Oberyn are fighting. There’s some back and forth — Oberyn is quick, but The Mountain is enormous and strong and fucking terrifying. But just when it seems like The Mountain’s strength is overwhelming Oberyn, Oberyn strikes. He spears him in the stomach, then in the leg, then in the chest. The Mountain is down, but Oberyn doesn’t want to kill him yet, because he wants to hear The Mountain confess to raping his sister and murdering her and her children.
What he could have done is just finished The Mountain off. That would have been nice for everybody. Instead, he insists on forcing The Mountain to confess.
Did The Mountain confess? Yes. Yes he did. The Mountain loudly confessed to his crimes while he knocked Oberyn over, got on top of him, and used his thumbs to bleed Oberyn from the eyes and subsequently crush his skull into a literal explosion of blood.
So if you live within a 1-mile-radius of me and were wondering about the loud screaming emanating from my apartment at around 9pm last night, there’s one possible explanation.
I’m not even going to try to bother putting into words how horrible it was. It was unexpected, gruesome, and emotionally devastating.
Hold your children close, everyone. Clutch your loved ones tightly. Nobody in this world is safe.
Anyway, here’s a very brief recap of what else happened, because I’m too emotionally vulnerable right now to discuss anything in-depth.
–A love story is developing between Grey Worm and Missandei, which is sort of bizarre, since the former is a Nutless Wonder.
–Daenerys discovered that Jorah was once spying on her and ordered him to return to Westeros. Now he’s not even in the Friend Zone, they’re like not even friends. She actually hates him now.
–Ramsay Snow sent Theon Greyjoy to force the surrender of a garrison of Iron-borns in a Northern city. Then Ramsay killed everyone who surrendered, because he’s a big ol’ taint.
–Roose Bolton, wowed by his bastard son’s tainthood, decided to make him an official member of the Bolton clan. Ramsay Bolton. The Boltons are now solidifying, which is the worst.
–Sansa lied to prevent Littlefinger’s execution, claiming that Lysa Arryn killed herself. She says she did it as a necessary form of self-preservation, which is an encouraging sign that she might be moving away from her obnoxious idiot girl phase.
–Littlefinger has convinced the authorities that be in The Vale to unite behind Robin Arryn, out of whom he will obviously manipulate the balls.
–The Hound and Arya have arrived at The Vale, but their fate is unclear, since their intended audience was hucked out of a moon door a few days prior.
But mostly, this episode was about experiencing the most extreme versions of human pain imaginable. Have fun watching. There is no God.