Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 7 Recap
After last week’s episode, we were left with a lot of questions. How will Tyrion’s trial by combat play out? When will Stannis and his army sail for King’s Landing? Is Theon going to get a prosthetic dick, or just deal with his handicap? This episode didn’t answer all of those questions, but it got us closer to the answers, and it was entertaining as hell. Here’s a recap of Episode 7, “Mockingbird.” (Spoilers ahead, of course.)
We quickly find out that Cersei has ordered Ser Gregor Clegane, “The Mountain,” to serve as her champion against Tyrion in the trial by combat. This fun fact is introduced to us as we watch The Mountain disembowel a lot of people. Oh, and by the way, The Mountain has also been recast for maybe the fourth goddamn time in this series. He’s now being played by this guy.
Tyrion, acknowledging that his odds of personally defeating that fucking guy in a trial by combat are comparable to the odds of him ever being asked to grab a few of the nice glass plates from the top shelf of the kitchen cupboard, begins vetting potential champions of his own. Jaime? Nope, Jaime still isn’t up to par since he lost his hand. Bronn? Nope, Cersei went and married Bronn off to someone so that he’d have an incentive not to be The Mountain’s next object of disembowelment. Tyrion realizes he is absolutely boned, until he receives a visit from an unlikely guest: Prince Oberyn. Oberyn tells an interesting story about visiting Casterley Rock as a child, and how Cersei was, even then, apparently an insufferable cunt. Oberyn reveals that he plans to exact his justice upon the Lannisters in King’s Landing, starting with The Mountain, who raped and killed his sister Elia. Oberyn will be Tyrion’s champion. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT.
The Hound and Arya
These two encounter a dying man who has been ransacked by some random, unnamed people. As he slowly dies, the three of them have a mildly nuanced conversation about the meaning of nothing, because ***plot twist*** the dying man is actually Soren Kierkegaard. The Hound kills the man to ease his passing. Given the tone of this scene, it seemed as if a lively debate on the ethical rectitude of assisted suicide would proceed, but then a man jumped on The Hound’s back and bit his neck. After The Hound obviously killed the shit out of his assailant, he and Arya speak briefly with the attacker’s friend, who reveals that The Hound has a bounty on his head and that Joffrey has died. Arya, completely unannounced, stabs the man through the heart, recognizing him as one of the asshole prisoners who threatened to kill her when they were headed to The Wall.
Not much exciting going on up here. Jon Snow and Co. return from Craster’s Keep. Ser Alliser Thorne, being the smegmalicious assclown he is, forces Jon to lock up his direwolf, Ghost. Jon Snow then attempts to convince those in charge at the Night’s Watch to seal the tunnel in order to keep out Mance Rayder’s army, but everyone refuses, because in terms of resistance to change, the Night’s Watch is like the Westerosi version of the NRA.
Across the Narrow Sea
Daenerys is in her chambers, and suddenly Daario is there. Daario came in through the window, because that’s how you court a girl, you sneak up in her window with a bunch of flowers. He might have watched Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet one too many times. They exchange some words, and then they boink. No, seriously, he gets to have the sexy times with Daenerys. On one level, this makes sense, because for someone so attractive and powerful, we were all wondering how Daenerys was getting her rocks off. But on the other hand, it’s disappointing to know that even in Westeros, you have to be an aggressive, borderline sexual harasser to get with someone like Dirty D.
As Daario Naharis struts his Walk of Shame the next day, he runs into Jorah, who knows exaaaaactly what happened. This is real sad for Jorah. Jesus, that guy has made down payments on at least six or seven condos in the Friend Zone. Nevertheless, Jorah is able to talk Daenerys out of killing every slavemaster in Yunkai, which I guess is good. It’s ostensibly the first time she has ever listened to her advisors, so it’s encouraging to see that she is capable of doing so.
The Red Woman
There’s a weird scene where Stannis’ wife, Selyse, walks in on Melisandre taking a bath. You can see all of her tits; God forbid she take a bath like a normal person and we don’t see a pair of tits in one episode. Selyse is concerned that Stannis wants to take their daughter, Shireen, with him when he sets sail. Melisandre explains that it’s all part of the Lord of Light’s plan, and that apparently just fucking settles it. Good scene, guys. We’ve got a great sub-plot over here.
Brienne and Pod
Speaking of great sub-plots, this is not one. Brienne and Pod are in a tavern getting served by Hot Pie. HOT PIE! Hot Pie gives them some helpful information about the whereabouts of Arya Stark, and they head to The Vale. Oh man, you’re gonna LOVE what’s happening in The Vale right now.
We start out here seeing Sansa in a snowy courtyard. She builds a snowcastle (not a thing) and it’s a replica of Winterfell (absolutely not a thing). But it is a remarkably good model of Winterfell. Like incredibly good. Like, such a fucking amazing snowcastle that the only possible explanation is autism. Robin, her shitsack groom-to-be comes and joins her. He doesn’t understand why Winterfell doesn’t have a Moon Door. This fucking kid is literally an amalgamation of every kid that bothered the tits off me in elementary school. He gets mad at Sansa, stomps out her masterpiece, and then she slaps the shit out of him. He runs off like the little bitch he is.
Naturally, Littlefinger saw this whole event go down, because he’s a damn creep. He says some words at Sansa, but I don’t remember what they are, because then he FUCKING KISSES her, and it was so traumatizing that it made me blackout the preceding 45 seconds. And of course Lysa Arryn is watching from the balcony as this happens.
It’s especially fun because he is 40 years older than her, and she had her first period like a year ago.
Lysa, being the batshit delusional powerpsycho she is, brings Sansa to the Moon Door and threatens to push her off. Petyr shows up, saves Sansa, and reassures Lysa that he has only ever loved one woman his entire life.
And then he says, “Your sister.” I, for one, am never one to pass up on a “your sister is hot” joke, because it’s a hilarious joke that never stops being funny, but I did think it was excessive that he followed it up with pushing her out the Moon Door.
OH YEAH, DID I MENTION? LITTLEFINGER FUCKING KILLED LYSA ARRYN.
EVERYTHING IS GOING FUCKING CRAZY UP IN HERE.