Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 4 Recap and Review
To nobody’s surprise, Game of Thrones delivered another fantastic episode to us this week. There was character development, plot development, blood, nudity — okay, well those are all requisite items in any episode of GoT, but this one was especially good, I promise. Spoilers ahead, etc.
Across the Narrow Sea
The episode opens with Grey Worm getting a lesson in the Common Tongue from Missandei. Oh Jesus, that’s not what I meant, I meant language lessons. Get your mind out of the fucking gutter. Besides, Grey Worm doesn’t even have balls, so there’s no way he’d be getting a Baines Johnson from the queen’s handmaiden. ANYWAY, Missandei has a rather unusual teaching style; instead of teaching him foundational language bits like numbers and colors, they have a conversation about how they were forcibly taken from their families and sold into slavery at young ages. This is basically the equivalent of spending your first Spanish class discussing the poetry of Miguel Hernández from the later stages of his life. Man, Westeros fucking sucks.
Grey Worm’s lesson is interrupted by the arrival of Daenerys, who orders Grey Worm and a few other slaves to sneak into Meereen, hand out a shitload of swords to all the slaves, and set them upon their masters. And like that, Meereen is taken. Not even a hitch in her plan. And of fucking course, we next see her walking through the city, surrounding by little slave children calling her “Mhysa” (mother) and hugging her legs. Her life appears to be one continuous manifestation of every pretentious Facebook profile picture you’ve ever seen from your friends who have gone on life-changing trips to Africa.
We find Olenna and Margaery Tyrell in King’s Landing — you guessed it — strolling through the goddamn garden like they do in every single scene they have together. In one especially troubling bit of the conversation, Olenna references the sexual prowess she had as a younger woman.
Possibly inspired by her grandmother’s story, Margaery visits her future husband, the adorably adolescent Tommen Baratheon, in his chambers that night. Let me make this clear: Tommen, a kid who is probably 12 or 13 years old, gets woken up in the middle of the night to find this. Margaery tells the young man that she is excited for their marriage, and insists that he keep her visit a secret. Fortunately for Tommen, she never asks him to do anything that would require him to stand up and reveal the thriving metropolis of Bonertown. We also discover that Tommen has a darling cat named Ser Pounce. SER POUNCE. HE HAS A CAT AND THE CAT’S NAME IS SER POUNCE. After she leaves, narrowly avoiding a seemingly inevitable “pussy” pun, Tommen goes to sleep clearly quite content, probably thinking something along the lines of this:
Jaime Lannister (and friends, siblings, sibling-lovers)
Jaime Lannister has continued his fighting lessons with Bronn. He’s clearly getting better at fighting with his left hand, although Bronn does still defeat him by pulling off his fake hand and pimp-slapping him to the ground with it. The scene only would have been better had Bronn continued slapping him with the fake hand, constantly shouting “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!” like my sisters used to do me when I was a kid. Oh, childhood.
Jaime then visits Tyrion in prison and acts quite non-dickish. It’s almost like he never raped his sister, and I’m sure the Internet will soon be teeming with essays decrying the show for treating Jaime as though he didn’t just commit an egregious moral crime. Jaime honestly believes Tyrion when Tyrion tells him he didn’t kill Joffrey. Cersei, of course, is a huge ladycock to Jaime for that, insisting that he hunts down and kills Sansa Stark, because Sansa Stark is just a bloodthirsty killing machine who must be stopped.
Ultimately, Jaime does a few pretty stand-up things. First, he regifts his new Valyrian sword to Brienne, along with some new armor. He tells her she should give her sword a name, and she names it Oathkeeper — a name which, incidentally, only placed 46th in my grand list of potential names for my dick, nestled between Millard Fill More (45th) and Norman Cockwell (47th).
Afterward, he sends Brienne to find and protect Sansa, sending Podrick with her as his squire. As she rides away, she looks back at him, meaning they’re totally going to bone later in the series.
There is some heavy shit going on up here. First, Castle Black has been visited by Locke, the guy who ordered Brienne to be raped and later killed. Locke has found himself in the good graces of Jon Snow, which is terrible, because if I recall correctly, he was sent to find and kill Jon Snow. Meanwhile, Ser Alliser Thorne has ordered Jon to go to Craster’s Keep and subdue the Night’s Watch rebels who are still there after killing Lord Commander Mormont. Jon Snow enlists a team of volunteers (including Locke) to go with him north of the wall.
Meanwhile, at Craster’s Keep, Craster’s poor daughters are getting raped seemingly around the clock by the defectors. Craster’s last baby boy is born, and it is taken out to that place, the one where they always take the baby boys to get taken by ancient demonic creatures. But guess who hears the baby crying while it’s waiting to be taken away? Fucking Bran Stark and his friends. Through his telepathic predator drone capabilities, Bran Stark discovers that Ghost is nearby, but before they can save it, they’re found by the defectors. Hodor gets stabbed in the leg, and responds by screaming, “
HOLY FUCK WHY DID YOU JUST STAB ME IN THE LEG BRO Hodor,” and Bran reveals his identity to their captors. Wow, things up north of the wall couldn’t be any fucking worse right now. At least, you think that, until you see the baby taken away to this icy-stonehenge-looking ceremonial site, where a whitewalker pokes it in the face, AND THEN THE BABY TURNS INTO A FUCKING WHITEWALKER.
WHITEWALKER BABIES. HOLY DICK. THANKS A LOT, GEORGE R.R. MARTIN.