Are You the One? Season 4 Episode 2 Recap
Fresh off of their three-match ceremony, the AYTO house is cautiously optimistic drunkenly passive-aggressive.
John pathetically downs shot after shot in frustration that Emma picked him instead of allowing Julia to pick him. This makes sense because alcohol! Never mind the fact that Emma picking John literally means nothing to anyone and impacts absolutely nothing. It’s time to act like a big baby! While John sulks, Julia celebrates. “I like pizza, but not extra cheesy,” Julia insists, making a good point about John’s aggressive schmaltz but a terrible point about pizza.
While John proceeds to crumble, Sam throws his hat in the ring for best guy on the show. After sharing his love for Nicholas Sparks and High School Musical (did you know they’re coming out with a fourth?!? Because Sam is PUMPED for it), Sam reveals he is a 3rd grade girl in a jock’s body, which sounds way better on TV than it looks in an article. This brings him and Alyssa closer together. They are the far-ahead frontrunners for best couple in the house, and they will make beautiful babies with even better hair.
The following day, it’s time for the first getaway challenge! The top three couples from the challenge go on a getaway date together. The challenge is simple: Each couple must match facts about the housemates to the correct person. However, to reveal those facts, they must lick food paste off of a window. There are four pastes: Tomato, spicy bean, peanut butter, and fish paste. While this sounds silly and unnecessary, it is crucial to their search for true love, because you don’t really know love until you have to lick your partner’s vomit from a wall.
Some of the highlight facts from The Challenge include:
Kaylen broke a guy’s penis
Mikala has butt implants
Tori used yogurt as lube
None of these facts are that surpris…WAIT. Yogurt. As. Lube. TORI USED YOGURT AS LUBE. I…but…YOGURT AS LUBE.
Have you recovered from throwing up and/or Googling that? Great. I guess we can…I mean, really?!? How do you make that decision? At what point does that cross your mind? Jesus, Tori.
Morgan and Nicole get first place in the challenge, and Morgan gets to work cementing himself as the guy most likely to look nice and treat women like shit. He immediately raves about his own awesomeness and asserts that he’s smarter than the entire audience. John and Julia get second place, and Emma prepares to wait for John until his disgusting dying breath. Francesca and Asaf take third place. Francesca is excited, which is confusing because Asaf is basically a serial killer in training. These three couples get the privilege of going on an “Aquaballs” date. It’s the sexiest date since the “Space Testicles” getaway.
Back at the house, Prosper confronts the elephant in the room when he tells John, “I thought you was just lusting [over Julia].” John refutes this with an intelligent rhetorical question: “Was anyone else in the house born in Louisiana?” Case closed. Maybe if someone could give John a map of Louisiana to fuck, this would all end.
Cameron and Mikala bring a slight dose of hope to this pathetic house, as they are genuinely adorable together. AYTO Newbies: Having two good couples to root for this early is a rarity, so you should treasure this moment before it’s crushed in the Boom Boom Room. Like clockwork, Asaf arrives to spoil the show. He tries to guilt Francesca into sex, but thankfully she resists. Asaf complains that the whole house is like Oprah. Asaf has never seen Oprah after Dark.
During the getaway date, things get weird fast as the couples are forced to share a single Zorb aquaball and roll down a hill together. Either the showrunners don’t know what romance is or they have decided to mock the contestants. Fortunately, Asaf’s sex pressuring is there to bring love back to the show. He criticizes Francesca for not trusting him, since “trust” is apparently the new euphemism for allowing someone to enter your body. He calls Francesca his little sister, because I guess his little sister is the only woman who wouldn’t fuck him. Meanwhile, John continues to rave about Julia’s hometown. John has definitely masturbated into a bucket of Popeye’s Chicken (like their chicken, John’s ejaculation is “Louisiana fast”).
That night, the house picks John and Julia to go into the Truth Booth. Why? “Because they’re both idiots,” Camille astutely points out.
John and Julia aren’t a match. Julia restrains her excitement, but John does not restrain a single emotion. “You’re the trophy I’ve always wanted!” John cries. In John land (Nebraska), this is a compliment apparently. Nothing says ‘love’ like telling a woman you wanted her to be the silent object you held onto and fucked. Prosper rightfully laughs at John and his cravings for southern loving. John, in his attempts to prove he’s rational decision-maker, punches a hole in the wall.
The following night, Hurricane John has subsided temporarily and it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Today is a men’s choice day.
The matches are as follows:
Cam picks Julia. Devlin tries to instigate Julia to say something insulting about John, but Julia just smiles and feigns regret like the captive she is. John could literally murder her any second, and her fear shows in every moment she speaks. YAY LOVE!!!
Tyler picks Victoria. Tyler is an asshole and Victoria knows how to put assholes in their place, so maybe this is Tyler’s form of rehab.
Stephen picks Tori. They both want to be more interesting than they are, so maybe they can be try-hards together.
Cameron picks Mikala. Solid couple. Go Mikameron!
Morgan picks Alyssa. Morgan is trying to shake things up for the sake of statistics and numbers. Unfortunately, Morgan is an idiot and can only count when he’s counting squat reps, so he picks one of the women who thinks she has a definite match. Sam still brings her a flower because he’s a goddamn gem.
Sam picks Francesca. It’s a meaningless pick, but Sam delivers it charmingly in his blue nail polish. Another point to Sam.
Prosper picks Emma. The only real positive is that the man who has most picked on John selected the woman who John has picked on the most. That’s nice, but otherwise this is a wasted match.
Asaf picks Camille. Sorry, Camille.
Giovanni picks Kaylen. These two idiots are ready to get married. No, really. They said they want to get married. God, I hope they’re a match or Kaylen is going to break every penis in that house.
John is left with Nicole. John professes his love for Julia as she cringes in fear. Ryan Devlin asks Nicole what she would do if John is her match. “Her answer: That would kind of suck.” Yes, Nicole — suck indeed it would.
The house winds up with three matches! It’s surprising and a little disappointing that these hot messes haven’t been punished for their idiocy yet. Alas, The Devlin once again encourages them to play with their hearts, so shit should hit the fan soon enough!
After two episodes now, our venerable matchup grid is progressing, but it’s still far too early to draw any substantive conclusions:
Come back next week to pray for the meteor that smites this show once and for all, and follow along with all of our coverage here!