Are You the One? Season 4 Episode 1 Recap
“If I’m not throwing a quesadilla at you, then you don’t matter.” With this poetic statement from Victoria, it is time to begin the best part of the year: Are You the One? season.
For those of you who are AYTO rookies, congratulations! You have made a life-altering decision that will enrich your life and bleed your soul. For the veterans, it looks like there’s no turning back now. You’re fucked.
Ryan Devlin, Satan’s Legolas and the show’s host, arrives to introduce the game. The concept is simple: 10 men and 10 women are brought into the house to find their mathematically- calculated perfect match. If all ten couples correctly match up by week 10, the house wins $1 million dollars to split. Of course, these 20 strangers also spend the majority of those 10 weeks pumped full of so much alcohol they can hardly spell their own names – let alone intelligently discern their perfect matches. Appropriately, they spend their time fighting, fucking, and fight-fucking, all while being reminded to “follow their hearts.” It’s beautiful. It’s why Jesus created marriage.
The 20 meat slabs arrive in front of the beautiful Maui house. However, this season comes with a twist: Before they’re able to get reasonably inebriated, Ryan Devlin forces three individuals to pick their “love at first sight” match. It’s a wonderful mockery of the most genuine of romantic ideas, since watching these future former Instagram celebrities decide their “love at first sight” pretty much undermines the concept entirely. Devlin informs the house that one of the three newly minted couples will be forced to go to The Truth Booth – an expensive high-tech shack where the future of these couples is revealed. If that couple is a match, the overall pot goes from $1 million to $1.25 million.
The “love at first sight” matches are as follows:
Kaylen and Stephen
Tyler and Alyssa
Tori and Prosper
We know nothing about these people, so this all means nothing – but yay! High expectations right out of the gate will guarantee a good breakdown early.
Off the bat, Prosper reveals himself to be a truly observant mind: “I seen the short one, and then the little Spanish one. Then the curly haired one. Kim K.” Nice work, Tori! Eager to create a spark, the couple bets on a high-stakes ping pong game. The terms are: If Tori loses, she twerks. If Propser loses, he takes off his shirt. It’s a good thing MTV incentivizes this blatant flirting, otherwise we might have to sit through moments of romance not built on objectification. If I wanted that, I’d read a book, and I’m sure as shit not going to do that (not that I even could, after watching three seasons of this show rendered me illiterate). Tori loses and bounces around.
While Prosper and Tori see their “love at first sight” connection as reason to talk to each other (like goddamn weirdos), Stephen opts for the corporate strategy of networking with every woman in the house except Kaylen. Stephen is the down on his luck Cutco salesman of the house, but he’s certain he’ll be able to convince someone to buy his overly hair-gelled product using nothing more than a firm handshake and a smile.
We soon meet the true hero (read: astounding idiot) of the house, our Israeli muscle monster, Asaf. Like US policy towards Israel, Asaf doesn’t make a lot of sense. The women realize this quickly. Julia says she’d kill herself if forced to be in the honeymoon suite with him. In his charming accent, Asaf shouts, “Shut up, fatass”. He then blames “the language barrier” for him calling her fat. That makes sense. If not traveling abroad has taught me anything, it’s that you can probably murder someone and blame the language barrier to avoid jail. However, when Julia questions his unimpeachable logic, Asaf provides an even stronger self-defense: “It’s not even about your ass, honestly.” I guess Asaf thinks the rest of Julia is fat and not her butt… This is better? Sure, let’s say it’s better.
While Asaf may not love Julia, she quickly finds a suitor in John. John finds out Julia is from Louisiana and LOSES HIS GODDAMN MIND. In fairness, John used to live in Louisiana AND he’s a huge moron, so his conniption makes some sense.
Later in the evening, the entire house comes together for a sloshed sharing circle. During this, Cameron reveals that he hasn’t dated a woman in 6 years. I’m sure he’s going to be glad that he decided to get back into the game on reality TV. Yep, this definitely won’t lead to him breaking down in front of a national audience. Smooth sailing from here on out, buddy! Giovanni, playing the role of “Guy Who Seems Like He Would Probably Be From the Bronx on a Television Procedural,” mentions that he pretty much only fucks on the first date. Amazingly/depressingly, Kaylen loves it. She’s looking for someone to butt heads with, and Gio has a thick skull.
Deep into blackout o’clock, John gives the show its first inspiring rant — a tirade against Nebraska. John fucking hates Nebraska. Like, more than the appropriate amount (which says a lot, since Nebraska’s central point of pride is a food only enjoyed slathered in butter). There’s nothing John wants more than to not be associated with Nebraska…except maybe to bake his own cookies. Lucky for him, Emma is looking for a baker. Unlucky for Emma, John just wants to scream in Julia’s face all night (weirdly, not in a sex way).
The following morning, it’s time for the private date for the three “love at first sight matches.” The date is whale watching in a kayak. It’s the perfect opportunity for at least one person to freak the fuck out, since AYTO has a brilliant habit of forcing people that hate the water into the middle of the ocean. Sadly, Kaylen only panics slightly. AYTO’s producers have been thwarted this time – but it won’t happen again.
During the date, Alysaa discovers that Tyler is an Ares and that’s pretty much the end of their love. Tyler calls her theories on astrology “complete bullshit.” Points to Tyler! Tori, meanwhile, has decided Prosper is going to be her husband. It’s weird to hear something so stupid from someone who knows five-syllable words.
The rest of the date is pretty boring. They need more alcohol — and I need more alcohol.
Back at the house, it’s time for the Truth Booth selection reveal.
When it comes time to find out which couple was selected for the Truth Booth, Ryan Devlin asks Tyler if he had any other connections. He outs Nicole as his true love. Francesca then reveals that Tyler tried to take her to the Boom Boom Room (the house’s designated room for raunchy sex) that same night. Tyler isn’t a great guy.
The house chooses Tori and Prosper for the truth booth…and no dice. They’re not a match. Tori admits, “Well it was definitely lust at first sight.” Yay! Tori wins back some intelligence points.
The house, however, is dumbfounded. To them, it is truly shocking that two people who spent a whole day and a half together and selected each other on appearances only could possibly not be a perfect match. If you wonder how this show manages to last the full 10 weeks without the contestants figuring out the pairings, here is your exhibit A through Q.
That night, John realizes he has a dilemma in choosing between Julia and Emma. Julia proves that she has at least a little common sense when she asks John what he likes about her besides her Louisiana hometown. He says she’s gorgeous. While this sounds stupid, let’s take a moment to remember there are countless apps dedicated to pairing people on geographic proximity and physical fuckability. We’re really not much better than John…Okay, a little better. Julia says that’s not enough. Finally, John says the AYTO magic words: “I’m just the type of person to follow my heart.” The drinking game begins now. Watch for this phrase and blackout by taking a shot every time you hear it. It is the motto that kills all intelligent discussion in the house.
The following day, Emma confronts John. And by confront, I mean she begs him to love her. It goes predictably awful. I WONDER IF THIS WILL BE A KEY POINT OF CONTENTION IN THE TOTALLY RANDOM MATCHUP CEREMONY?!?!?
It’s time for the matchup ceremony. The rules are pretty straightforward:
One by one, the designated sex for the night chooses their companion of the opposite sex. They are matched for the night and off the table for future picking. If the house identifies all ten matches, they win all of the money. If they identify zero matches, the total value of the prize drops by $250K. At the end of the ceremony, the only know how many matches they have – but they don’t learn which matches were right (however, YOU can try to guess before them by following this chart).
Tonight is a ladies’ selection night, and the pairings are as follows:
Kaylen picks Giovani — They’re both loud and aggressive. Definitely compatible, definitely annoying as all hell.
Victoria picks Cam – Looks like the Chicago boy better get used to quesadillas.
Francesca picks Asaf – Well, we know who has the worst taste in men in the house.
Emma picks John after saying she deserves better. John immediately tells Emma he doesn’t want to be with her, validating her entire thinking right then and there. However, this pick is actually super helpful in revealing John’s true perfect match. During the whole discussion, Julia is a grade-A asshole. She’s just as shitty as John, and they truly deserve one another.
Camile picks Prosper, which is shocking because I had no idea Camile was even a person in the house.
Alyssa picks Sam – Two nice people with great hair. All aboard the good ship Salyssa.
Mikayla picks Cameron – Another big shocker, since I was sure both of them had already left the house to compete for the World’s Least Compelling Person award.
Julia picks Morgan – It’s a weird pick because Morgan seems like a nice person. Of course, he opens his mouth and dispels this quickly. Heck, maybe they’re a good fit?
Nicole picks Steven – It’s a refreshing pick. Steven is about as interesting as a set of desk chairs, but it’s at least nice to see one person recognize red flags (i.e. Tyler) when they arise.
Tori and Tyler are stuck together. Before they complete the match, Tyler assures the women of the house he’s a good guy. Of course, he uses the phrase “gorilla f*** you in the mouth” in his testament to decency, so it’s a 3/10 performance. His hair looks great though, so 3.5/10 overall performance.
Amazingly, this clusterfuck of pairings produces three perfect matches. It looks like this gang might just have potential. Of course, The Devlin aggressively reminds the house to “listen to your hearts,” lest they do something intelligent like use this strong start as a way to strategically figure out the matches (as we will be doing weekly in this chart).
That’s all for this episode! The following week’s preview promises quality wall punching, so be sure to watch next Monday, follow along with our all-powerful matchup grid, and join us for weekly discussions of the collapse of society as we know it.