Are You the One? Season 4 Episode 7 Recap

August 03, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

After another four-beam matchup ceremony, the house is in shambles.

The group begins brainstorming strategy for the next matchup, but then shortly realizes that they have no idea what the fuck they’re doing. Hey, at least they’re learning something… even if that something is that they have the strategic brainpower of a mushroom.

A brief episode of “Emma Loves John, The Asshole” starts again, as Emma bemoans John’s light flirtation with Nicole. Thankfully, this lasts for only a couple minutes before it’s challenge time!

This week’s challenge is called, “At Least Buy Me Dinner First” – a tremendous return to form for the AYTO producers, whose horrible challenge names turned this trainwreck into the cult phenomenon it is today. The premise is simple and built for nothing but sex jokes: the women will be wearing boards with poles attached, all of which have shapes at the end – and the men will be wearing boards with the corresponding holes. The women have to penetrate the men’s holes. It’s like preschool, but sexy? God help the producer who saw the shape learning board and thought it would be a great medium for sexual innuendo.

The challenge devolves into a lot of weird screaming and comments about how difficult penetration is (congratulations, Men’s Rights Activists! The episode is for you, you asshats). Anyhow, Morgan and Tori take first place, while Cam and Victoria take second. While this does mean both couples are eligible for the Truth Booth, only Morgan and Tori get to go on a date. It’s heartbreaking to see the struggles of the global economy hit the AYTO budget.

Immediately after the challenge, The Devlin reveals one of his most devious tricks: He’s throwing the house a private “Adam and Eve” party. IT’S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GET DRUNK AND DO INADVISABLE THINGS WITH THEIR ORIFICES. Thankfully, the party delivers the exact drunken mess you’d expect. Prosper leads a grind train while Asaf tries to find Francesca’s uvula with his tongue. Meanwhile, Nicole full-on mounts John and they (debatably) try to put the shape in the hole in the middle of the dancefloor. This pushes Emma right on top of our grind leader, Prosper. It can’t be all fun and games though, and Victoria reminds us of just that by breaking down to Cam. She lashes out at him, then sobs over her insecurities and how they wreak havoc on her relationships. It’s a bit infuriating but mostly sad.

Back at the house, Gio forces Kaylen to bring Julia to him so he can express his feelings. As soon as they gather, Gio tries to get handsy with Julia and she pulls away. This infuriates Gio and he goes on a rampage in the house, because nothing resolves hurt feelings quite like property damage.

The following day, Morgan and Tori have their getaway date, brought to you by product placement! They drive a mediocre car up the Maui coast, all while the make logo for said mediocre car is prominently displayed. Their date is about as interesting as wet cardboard.

That night, the house votes Cam and Victoria into the Truth Booth. Despite their constant bickering and lack of chemistry, they’re not a match. Shocker!

In a true surprise, John starts flirting with Kaylen. They seem to have some genuine chemistry, though that may be the result of Mutually Assured Destruction. This bonding infuriates Tyler, who makes it his mission to push John to his boiling point. Well, mission accomplished! John shoves Tyler to the ground and mocks him. Tyler tries to milk the situation for pity from Kaylen, but she blames both of them for the fight.

After an exciting couple days, it’s time for the matchup ceremony. This night is a ladies’ choice night. The matchup ceremony proceeds as follows:

  • Victoria picks Prosper: Emma, who is becoming more unhinged by the day, is infuriated by this pick. On face though, it’s perfectly reasonable. Victoria and Prosper are total free agents, so this doesn’t upset the established pairs.
  • Nicole picks Cam: Nicole admits her drunken hookup with John was just that, and says there is no reason to expect them to be a match.
  • Tori picks Morgan: So white, so bland.
  • Emma picks Gio: Hmmmm…Why? Who knows. Gio takes his moment in the spotlight to highlight his “spiritual” intelligence and throw a hissy fit about why Julia is his match. Can we please kill this storyline? Gio and Stephen come to minor blows. It’s really not that exciting.
  • Francesca picks Asaf: Meh. Francesca is the female Morgan – boring but ruder than you’d expect. Asaf is either a good guy or a shit head. The past couple weeks and the first few episodes show such stark contrast, it’s hard to tell.
  • Camille picks Tyler: Ehhhhhhhhhhh…
  • Kaylen picks John: Kaylen undermines Tyler’s games and picks the tamed monster of the house.
  • Julia and Stephen match together. Julia calls out Gio’s weird claim to her. They bicker more, but it’s nothing new.

Our honeymooners, Cameron & Mikala and Sam & Alyssa, round out the final matchup spots. Aaaaaaaaaaand THEY GET FOUR BEAMS AGAIN!!!! THIS IS AMAZING! It’s finally time for it to burn down. Let’s get this shitshow moving forward.

While the house may have no clue who the correct ten matches are, WE DO! Thanks to our brilliant MIT support team, WE KNOW ALL TEN PERFECT MATCHES!

Check out our article on the combinations to get ahead of the game, and come back next week to see if these goofballs can figure it out too before they lose one million dollars.