Are You The One? Season 3 Episode 2 Recap

October 05, 2015 / by / 6 Comments

What a goddamn mess. We’re only through two episodes and this season’s cast looks like the most volatile group in show history.

The episode begins on a real high note for our gaggle of drunken lovers. Fresh off of their two-beam ceremony, the gang celebrates getting 20% right like they’ve just discovered a limitless clean fuel. They feel like heroes for accomplishing something that could’ve been achieved by letting a monkey throw shit at a wall of pictures and just matching the pairs s/he hit.

Lovers and Quarrels

Back in the house, the emotional breakdowns begin. Kayla sobs to Alec after feeling slighted by his less than enthusiastic selection of her. Meanwhile, Kiki attempts to find the diamond in the shit sandwich that is Devin. Devin claims, “I just say stupid shit in passing” to dismiss his dickishness, apparently counting his entire life as being “in passing.” Kiki then proves herself to be more than just a pretty face, as she uses the word “façade” just before hooking up with the guy who will definitely fuck her over.

It’s not all sadness though. Mike begins falling hard for Amanda. “This girl literally hits everything that I want,” he announces – right after she fails to know how many states exist in the United States. Mike really loves a girl with no geographical or political knowledge. He definitely found the perfect place to look for love. Chuck and Hannah also continue their beautiful beach bum romance that definitely isn’t just based on their similar styles, nope, no way. Britni says she wants a connection, which is surprising because I didn’t even know she was in the house.

Challenge Time

The crew races to the beach for their next challenge, which Ryan Devlin eloquently calls, “Holy Shit, These Guys Actually Said This Stuff.” Clearly the writing staff has already gotten sick of this show.

The rules of the game are simple: The girls have to memorize ridiculous quotes that the guys have “actually” said, then run back to their boards and match the guys with the corresponding quotes. Shocking, I know.

Before the challenge, Amanda announces she really wants to win the date so she can pick Mike. “He’s my Magic Mike.” FINALLY. The showrunners get the payoff they were hoping for when they selected a stripper named Mike. I think he goes home now.

During the game, most of the quotes are pretty tame. Here are the highlights:

“I had sex with one of my teachers.” – Hunter

“I cry when I watch Air Bud.” – Alec

“I’ve called a girl my dog’s name in bed.” – Mike (WOOF. AMIRITE?)

Kiki, Stacy, and Mel win. Mel picks Tyler because she doesn’t want to battle Kiki over Devin, even though she’s convinced he is probably her match. Stacey picks Hunter, who grossly says she “might be [his] sexy teacher.” Lastly, Kiki picks Devin, who presupposes this when he tells the guys, “Date number two, bitches” before she even picks him. Yeah, Kiki, you picked a winner.

Connections, Schlongs, and The Dangers of Being Too Sexy

The crew returns to the house. Connor decides to break all of the rules of the show and asks Kayla (aka maybe Stacey aka Amanda 3 aka Jesus, how many short brown-haired girls with big eyes can one show cast?) about what matters to her and relationship behaviors. UMMM…WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING DRUNK AND FUCKING? DO YOU REALLY THINK THE MATCHMAKING PROCESS INVOLVES YOUR VALUES AND GOALS? Kayla reciprocates his interest in spectacular fashion: “I would climb right up that building. King Kong that shit.”

After an aggressive body shot, Hannah and Chuck decide to share some real feelings, like normal people. Hannah cries after being told she’s the sexiest girl in the house. It’s hard being pretty, guys.

The drama doesn’t end with Pretty Girl Problems. Upon the urging of the house ladies, Mike puts on a strip performance. However, this isn’t just any performance, it’s “art” (No, it’s not). Mike tosses Stacey on his shoulders and thrusts her crotch into his face shortly before giving a triple lapdance.

Mike feels like a God. “I’m considered the filet mignon of my craft,” Mike’ insists. I don’t know if he knows what Filet Mignon is.

However, Amanda isn’t impressed by Mike’s magnificent meat. She doesn’t dislike the stripping, but she doesn’t want him to do it for other girls. “That’s my schlong,” she claims, becoming the first woman to ever utter that phrase.

This is what a filet mignon looks like.

This is what a filet mignon looks like.

Meanwhile, Rashida continues to be the number one source of comedic relief on the show. She and Tyler feel a connection, but Tyler admits he still wants to see if he has anything with Melanie. Rashida seems to understand, but also wants Tyler to know that Mel isn’t Rashida, so she repeats “She ain’t me” until the cameramen get bored and leave. Nobody will ever be Rashida. I’m surprised Rashida can even be Rashida for as long as she has.

The Big Date

The date is horribly, painfully boring. It’s basically the reenactment of every shitty rom-com set in Italy, full of uninteresting comments and cheap scooters. However, the six lovebirds seem to be really excited putting around at 10 miles per hour while blocking traffic (I don’t know if the producers fucked up here and forgot to get permits, but it looks like the cast is legitimately blocking traffic).

True love knows no traffic blocking.

True love knows no traffic blocking.

Fortunately, they hop off the scooters pretty quickly and start the real dates.

In paradise, Kiki worries how Devin will treat her if they’re not a match. Devin comforts Kiki by saying he won’t leave her if they’re not a match because they’ll be stuck in the house together. This sounds about as comforting as a porcupine pillow made of cacti. “Nah babe, I won’t leave you. I won’t physically be able to. Like, even if I try really hard, we’re on an island. I might kill myself though.” This all really fits with his “be positive” vibe.

Kiki and Devin are the real show, but the other two couples seem to have a fine time. Melanie breaks Tyler’s ocean cherry, which is nice and weird. Some shoddy editing has Hunter telling Stacey he feels a “real connection” with her after they share 10 seconds of screen time. Sure. You’re in love.

Before the truth booth, some true love emerges in the house: Nelson and Cheyenne both put ice in their milk, so basically they’re already married.

The Truth Booth

The house votes in Devin and Kiki. On the way to the truth booth, Devin says he’s excited in the least excited voice ever. Aaaaaand they’re not a match. “It’s tough to break a heart…after two weeks.” Oh Devin, you have such a terrible way with words.

After the Truth Booth’s verdict, Devin and Kiki position themselves as the couple most likely to fuck up the entire game. Melanie points this out, claiming Devin to be her probable match and blaming him and Kiki for their inability to move towards that. Kiki asks the house to give them “some time…out of respect,” which is funny because their refusal to engage with other people disrespects everyone in the house. Devin also comes out as a Pro-South Secessionist by calling the Truth Booth “The dumbest booth in American history.” Really??? Not John Wilkes Booth? The man who killed one of the greatest Presidents of all-time and allowed Andrew Johnson to usher in the birth of the Jim Crowe South thanks to his anti-Reconstruction policies. Jesus, man. Learn some goddamn history.

The Inbetweeners

Before the matchup ceremony, Connor finds himself in another meaningful conversation with Kayla because he’s a beautiful hero in the drunken hellscape of “Are You The One?” He reveals that he had a drug problem and went to jail for cocaine possession. The event turned his life around, as he then sobered himself up and turned to fitness to combat addiction. Yep, you thought he was a meathead shitbag. HE WORKS OUT TO FIGHT HIS ADDICTION DEMONS AND WANTS TO FIND HIS WIFE. ALL HAIL CONNOR, OUR 6’8’’ GOD. We’re in love.

The Matchup Ceremony

At the matchup ceremony, Ryan reminds the cast to “choose with their hearts,” really just begging them to fuck up. This is a real theme during this episode: Devlin suggesting that the only way the cast will win is by playing with their hearts and not strategizing. Any thinking or math will cost them the game, the money, and their souls. MTV isn’t taking any chances this year.

The matchup ceremony follows a pretty predictable path:

Hunter picks Stacey – They seem fine. They both want stability but have a combined IQ below 100, so God forbid they have kids.

Austin picks Kiki – Kiki says she’s done with Devin, but Austin calls her out and points out they haven’t separated at all. Devin says he still likes Kiki, and Ryan Devlin challenges him, asking if Devin thinks he can “game [the show].” Once again, the producers are taking NO CHANCES with intelligent decision-making this season. In his confessional, Devin correctly asserts, “We could play this game strategically.” He even proves that he’s more than just an asshole, pointing out that they could solve this game with math. MATH. HE SAID THE MAGIC WORD. However, Devin is still a bigger asshole than he is a rational person, and he ruins any chance of getting the house to support him. Ryan Devlin announces that Devin thinks he’s smarter than everyone. KNOWLEDGE BAD. HEART GOOD. LOVE ONLY WINS. Devin plays into his hand though and says everyone else is dumb. Yeah, nobody is going to work with him now. The producer demons have won.

Connor picks Kayla – Connor deserves love, damnit. If Kayla makes him happy, give him Kayla. Give him whatever he wants.

Nelson picks Cheyenne – Milk + Ice = <3? Sure, let’s go with that.

Mike picks Amanda – Really hoping this works out. If it does, I’m pretty sure we’ll get a sequence of Mike stripping for Amanda while the song about all of the states in the US plays.

Zak and Brittany – Who are either of these people? Are they on the show?

Devin picks Melanie – Ryan Devlin continues to shit on Devin. Maybe it’s because his first name is almost Devlin. Ryan goads Melanie to criticize Devin before allowing them to lock-in.

Tyler picks Rashida – They both seem fun. We like them.

Alec picks Chelsea – K. Alec was more fun when he was trying to pick up multiple girls while talking about how he used to be fat.

Chuck and Hannah matched by default. They would’ve picked each other though, so that’s kind of nice.

After the world’s longest dramatic pause definitely not meant to be foreboding or anything (yes, you know what’s coming. I think everyone did after the first 10 seconds of silence) THEY GET THE DREADED BLACKOUT. THEY HAVE LOST $250,000. TEARS EVERYWHERE.

Zak screams, “We have to start playing with our hearts.” Ummm short of Devin with Mel and Kiki with Austin, everyone picked the people they actually liked. BRUH. MTV has sufficiently tricked this cast of dumb-dumbs (other than you, Connor. You’re the greatest). Chuck cries. It’s sad. It looks like this season is going to be a sad mess and they’re going to lose all of the money before the season finale.

WAIT. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe MTV wants to see if they’ll stay just to find their matches. If they all stay, next year there won’t be any prize money. MTV might have the first free reality show. Okay, you’ve got me now. PLAY WITH YOUR HEARTS.

What’s to Come

In the preview, there’s a confrontation between Amanda and Ryan. She screams, “You’re not on our side!” WILL THIS BE THE SEASON WHERE THE CAST FORMS A MUTINY AGAINST THE DEVLIN??? WATCH AND FIND OUT.

Follow along with the Official National Ave matchup grid, and with our expert analysis posted weekly