A Line-By-Line Analysis of “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars

January 04, 2015 / by / 175 Comments

Bruno Mars has once again taken over the airwaves with his latest hit “Uptown Funk.” Mark Ronson also apparently helped with it, but he doesn’t sing, so who cares, right?

While “Uptown Funk” may feel like just another good time jam, there are truly some deep and disturbing messages just under the surface of his Billboard hit. Here is a full analysis of Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson’s “Uptown Funk”:

This hit, that ice cold
Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold

Bruno Mars kicks off “Uptown Funk” with a reference to a religious movement growing rapidly in the music industry: Pfeifferism. For those who aren’t in the know, Pfeiffer is a religious practice that entails worshipping the Almighty White Fox, Michelle Pfeiffer – star of such Hollywood hits as Batman Returns, Scarface, and Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen. While it is unclear how this movement started, many point to Pfeiffer’s “Most Desirable Female” MTV Movie Award nomination as the true beginning of the Pfeifferism movement.

This one for them hood girls
Them good girls straight masterpieces
Stylin’, wilin’, livin’ it up in the city

This song is for pretty girls, BUT NOT JUST ANY PRETTY GIRL. This song is for the pretty girl who isn’t super rich, but is normally nice. Bruno Mars is talking directly to that one beautiful fan who has that brownish hair that sometimes looks blonde but could also be red or black. She’s got…eyes…and, you know, other stuff. Don’t worry girl – this song is for you.

Got Chucks on with Saint Laurent
Got kiss myself, I’m so pretty

Sorry ladies, as amazing as you may be (just the way you are), Bruno Mars is really just interested in kissing himself. Bruno Mars, a self-professed selfosexual (Don’t worry, it’s a word), often finds himself just making out with his reflection for hours. Alex Rodriguez shares a similar affliction.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Call the police and a fireman

Bruno Mars honestly needs help. He’s burning up.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Make a dragon wanna retire man

Bruno Mars is a huge Ender’s Game fan – but he isn’t a fan of the protagonist’s fighting force, the Dragon Army. In these lines, Mars is issuing a challenge to the titular Ender and his Dragon Army, letting them know that if they happen to challenge him in the real, literature, or theatrical world, he will vanquish them and turn them back into the pathetic army they were before the arrival of Ender.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Say my name you know who I am

A classic selfosexual desire, Mars gets off on merely hearing about his own existence. In asking people to say his name, he is begging the audience to remind him that he is real so he can fantasize about the existence of himself.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Am I bad ’bout that money, break it down

Listen, girl: Bruno Mars is just mentioning money because it’s the industry and stuff and he has to say those kind of things. Even though he’s a selfosexual, he loves you more than anything in the world. Except himself.

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

Bruno Mars needs this. This is his fuel for life. SING HALLELUJAH, DAMNIT.

‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you
‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you
‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you

Are you ready for it? No, you can’t ask what “it” is. “It” is what Uptown Funk is going to give to you. It’s happening. Just accept “it” with open arms. Uptown Funk has your best interest in mind, and will certainly get your affirmative consent before giving you “it,” so this “it” isn’t the “it” you’re thinking it is.

Saturday night and we in the spot
Don’t believe me just watch (come on)

Bruno Mars, Mark Ronson, and the whole band are there. RIGHT THERE. If you don’t believe that, you better use your eyes and watch. Yes, Bruno Mars discriminates against women without eyes. Kind of fucked up, right?

Don’t believe me just watch uh
Don’t believe me just watch
Don’t believe me just watch
Don’t believe me just watch
Don’t believe me just watch
Hey, hey, hey, oh

Are you watching? If you don’t believe him, you better be watching. This isn’t one of those things where Bruno Mars expects you to believe in him without proof. That’s reserved for things like Pfeifferism. If you don’t believe Bruno Mars is there, fucking watch. He’ll show you.

Stop, wait a minute
Fill my cup, put some liquor in it

Bruno Mars’ body is heating up even more from all of that intense eye contact you’re delivering. He needs to cool down. Someone get him some alcohol NOW.

Take a sip, sign a check

The one bad thing about Bruno Mars is that he has notoriously bad bar etiquette. Even at places that demand cash only, he leaves checks. Bruno Mars once paid for two PBR’s with a cashier’s check. True story. (NOTE: National Ave’s Legal Department has informed me I must state this isn’t a “proven” story.)

Julio, get the stretch
Ride to Harlem, Hollywood
Jackson, Mississippi

Bruno Mars’ takes a stretch limo to all of his shows and vacations. It’s incredibly inconvenient. His driver, Julio, has insisted that he get over his fear of flying, but Mars refuses to go anywhere not in a limo. This has made touring a real problem, especially since Mars’ spends half of his trips just fancy walking in front of the limo like a modern day funky Forrest Gump.

If we show up, we gon’ show out
Smoother than a fresh jar o’ skippy

Bruno Mars, Mark Ronson, and his entire band rolled around in peanut butter for 48 hours before shooting the video for “Uptown Funk.” Rumor has it that they still haven’t been able to wash the smell off, and at least one of them tastes like peanut butter.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Call the police and a fireman

This is getting dangerous now. I honestly thought the whole thing might be a joke at first, but maybe someone should call for help. Like, I don’t want to be the guy who ruins the party by having the cops show up, but this could be serious.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Make a dragon wanna retire man

Even as his body nears spontaneous combustion, Mars wants the world to know his threats to Ender and his Dragon Army are real. Fire or no fire, Mars will not play around with the Dragon Army.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Bitch say my name you know who I am

Okay ladies. He’s serious now. Bruno Mars is not one to through around the word “bitch” lightly, as he understands its demeaning implications – but it sounds like saying his name might help this whole “body on fire” situation. Just do what he says.

I’m too hot (hot damn)
Am I bad ’bout that money
Break it down

Forget about the money. It sounds like Bruno is about to break down how to save him from being “too hot.” Please listen closely.

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)

DO IT. HIT YOUR DAMN HALLELUJAH. IT MAY BE THE ONLY THING THAT COULD SAVE HIS LIFE. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.

‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you
‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you
‘Cause uptown funk gon’ give it to you

God, I really wish we know what “it” is. Maybe then we could understand this problem. Oh well, we’re going to get “it” no matter what, so it doesn’t matter what “it” is because “it” is coming.

Saturday night and we in the spot
Don’t believe me just watch (come on)
Don’t believe me just watch uh
Don’t believe me just watch uh
Don’t believe me just watch uh
Don’t believe me just watch
Don’t believe me just watch
Hey, hey, hey, oh

Watch him closely. This sounds like more than some selfosexual rant. He’s preparing us for something. Just watch.

Before we leave
Lemmi tell y’all a lil’ something

OH GOD. He knows he’s going to die. This is it, isn’t it? The end of Bruno Mars. Listen to the man; these are his final words.

Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up uh
I said uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? Is this what you’re going to leave us with? You tell women they’re amazing just the way they are, and that you’d catch a grenade for them, BUT YOUR FINAL WORDS ARE SOME LAME PUN ABOUT SEX AND FUNK? Is that what “it” is? It is, isn’t “it?” THIS WAS ALL SOME DUMB SEX THING. DAMNIT.

Come on, dance, jump on it
If you sexy then flaunt it
If you freaky then own it
Don’t brag about it, come show me
Come on, dance
Jump on it
If you sexy then flaunt it

Jump on what, huh? Your penis? Is that what this has been about? You’re not even dying are you? Screw you and screw “it.”

Well it’s Saturday night and we in the spot
Don’t believe me just watch come on!
Don’t believe me just watch uh
Don’t believe me just watch uh
Don’t believe me just watch uh
Don’t believe me just watch
Don’t believe me just watch
Hey, hey, hey, oh

I’m done watching. This is over. I bet this has all been one big ploy to get people to fall in love with you through vague descriptions of girls who could really be anyone. And now you just want to be the cool funk guy, right? YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME…To us. I’m watching…but I don’t see the real you anymore.

Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up

Goodbye Bruno.