We did a power hour while listening to one minute of the top 60 songs of 2009.

2009 in Music: A Power Hour Review

November 29, 2014 / by / 0 Comment

Each week for the next 10 weeks, we will be doing a power hour while listening to one minute of the top 60 songs of the each of the last ten years. Don’t ask us why, it just felt like it was really important that we do this. Next up: 2009.

We have reached the end of the 2000’s, a decade of instructional hip-hop, auto-tune, and MySpace. As we begin the final power hour of the decade, I really can’t help but think, “Thank God.”

George W. Bush, Mission Accomplished

Without further ado, the Power Hour review of the top songs of 2009:

We start the year with The Black Eyed Peas and “Boom Boom Pow.” It’s time to party. Fergie making it known that it’s no longer 2008 with that big “2000 and late joke.” Get ‘em Ferg. Nobody can read Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.” Unfortunately, I can’t read her Poker Face or hear her chorus, as the one minute mark hits right as it begins. No problem though, the excitement of “Just Dance” makes up for the disappointment. And now The Black Eyed Peas again, this time with “I Gotta Feeling.” I gotta feeling tonight’s gonna be a long night if it’s just these two artists rotating back forth.

We’ve reached the first major annoyance of the night; I’m forced to get off Spotify and switch to YouTube to hear T-Swift’s “Love Story” because Taylor Swift is literally the devil incarnate. I jump back to the playlist and Flo Rida’s “Right Round” begins. I’m going to hurt someone. Thank God the soothing sounds of “I’m Yours” are here to calm me from my Taylor Swift and Flo Rida-fueled rage.

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES. AND THE SINGLE MEN. AND THE MARRIED PEOPLE. EVERYONE. PUT YOUR HANDS UP. IT’S PARTY TIME AGAIN. “Heartless” kicks in and I can’t help but think Kanye can see the future and was singing about Taylor Swift taking her music off Spotify. YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE, TAYLOR.

I almost forgot I was in high school when these songs came out; thankfully, the All-American Rejects are here to remind me. 11th grade me is so angsty right now. I have to get back on YouTube to listen to “You Belong with Me.” I wish I knew how to write songs so I could write about how Taylor Swift is RUINING MY LIFE. She may wear short skirts, but I bet SHE LETS HER MUSIC STAY ON SPOTIFY.

T.I. brings that “real shit” with “Dead and Gone.” It really doesn’t feel like the time. Then again, when does it feel like the time for any T.I. song other than “Rubberband Man?” Almost never. Now The Fray is coming in to support me and trying to make me feel things. Jokes on you, The Fray – I haven’t felt anything in YEARS.

Kings of Leon starts up. I could really use somebody to tell me I don’t have to listen to the second incarnation of Bush (the band, not the “president”). “Knock You Down” brings me back to earth as I’m forced to consider the fact that somebody thought Keri Hilson was going to be popular. Jamie Foxx finally grants the reprieve I’ve been looking for with “Blame It (On the Alcohol).”

NOBODY WANTS YOU PITBULL. WHO LET YOU ONTO THIS PLAYLIST. BE GONE, FOUL BEAST. Is he looking for a Roomba? Is that what he wants? I will live my life, T.I. Now please lives yours without collaborating with random pop stars.

“Kiss ME Thru the Phone.” “KISS ME THRU THE PHONE.” I really miss having Soulja Boy around to blatantly sing about using semen as glue for towels and having phone sex. Those were the days. Oh Jay Sean, you were the soundtrack for more slow dance boners than any other person in this list. I hope you feel good about that.

Miley Cyrus’…err…I mean Hannah Montana’s “The Climb” starts playing and I really can’t keep myself from picturing current Miley on her wrecking ball while this song plays. This is all sorts of uncomfortable. Drake coming in real sly with his shout-out to literally any girl in the world on “Best I Ever Had.”

“My Life Would Suck Without You” brings me life again. I can do this. I’m ready. We’re stronger than they’ll ever know, Kelly. Bey is trying to bring me back to feeling things with “Halo.” NICE TRY. You’re getting a little closer than The Fray, but it will take more than spiritual references to make me feel something other than hungry or drunk. YOU’RE HOT THEN YOU’RE COLD then you’re other things I don’t remember. Just stop changing your mind already.

Shinedown had a top 60 hit. Think about that. Really think about it. “Circus” reminds me of that time Britney Spears thought she needed to make a comeback after a, like, two-year absence. I wonder how I’ll make my comeback after I disappear to a cave in Montana for five years. I hope I also try to break into a car with an umbrella.

Do people who aren’t high listen to Kid Cudi? I sure hope not. “Day and Night” is excruciating right now. Miley understands what I want. “Party in the USA” is all I need. Wow, Miley and Hannah Montana had big hits in 2009. Not even one of my personalities has had a number one hit. Sorry mom. At least I’m not 3OH!3 telling people not to “trust a ho,” right? Yeah. That should be a consolation prize or something.

I can’t believe Rihanna was so confused about who was going to run that town if Jay-Z knew that whole time. Couldn’t he just tell her before they got in the studio? Kevin Rudolph. L.O.L. That is all. Who let the girl in “Fire Burning” pop and lock and drop in that birthday cake? That must’ve ruined that cake. “Whatcha Say” provides the most comforting moment of the night so far: Jason Derulo singing “Jasooon Derulooo.” This feels like home.

Lady Gaga’s “LoveGame” just feels uncomfortable. “Disco stick” might be the weirdest name for a penis that doesn’t involve a term you’d see at a butcher’s shop (e.g. “pork rod”). I honestly can’t believe “Waking Up in Vegas” wasn’t more popular. It’s really more palatable than most Katy Perry songs. Was it featured in that Ashton Kutcher movie? Is that why people don’t like it?

Oh, “Birthday Sex,” how I’ve missed you. The song, of course. The closest thing I’ve had to birthday sex is a Carvel ice cream cake. If I’m being honest, I’d pick that anyhow. P!nk’s “Sober” comes on and I really wish it didn’t. Fortunately, “Womanizer” by Britney Spears is here to save me. I bet all the money I’ve ever had that last sentence is the first time those words have been put together in that order ever.

T.I. was really popular in 2009, apparently. “Whatever You Like” is an objectively bad song, yet here we are listening to it as a top song of the year. Ugh. And we’re going from bad to worse. Why isn’t “Obsessed” just “All I Want for Christmas is You?” That would make life so much better.

Ne-Yo is the closest thing our generation has had to Marvin Gaye, and we should all feel ashamed of ourselves. Oof. Here comes “Good Girls Go Bad.” I miss the good ole days when Cobra Starship was singing about snakes on planes. That was the peak of culture. No it wasn’t. I’m a liar. I’m sorry.

Poor T-Pain. He uses auto-tune and everyone laughs at him. Kanye abuses it on “Love Lockdown” and people call him a genius. I don’t know about you, but I’m #TeamTPain. P!nk thinks it’s a good idea to start a song with “Na na na na na na.” Note to all songwriters: Unless that’s followed by “goodbye,” that’s an awful way to start a song. Pitbull’s “Hotel Room Service” raises an important question: “Who let Pitbull record his voice on anything ever?”)

Eminem celebrates raping women in “Crack a Bottle” and it’s immediately time to switch songs. Quick Note: Celebrate being “tough” or “cool” or whatever all you want, but rape in any situation is reprehensible and certainly nothing to ever brag about. Please evaluate yourself and consider why you would ever think it is. Okay. Back to the songs.

Beyonce forces us to consider the role of gender dynamics in relationships with “If I Were a Boy,” before Keri Hilson makes us think about how Keri Hilson had two top 60 hits with “Turnin Me On.”

“I Hate This Part” where I have to hear a Pussycat Dolls song that isn’t “Don’t Cha.” Aaaand now we have our first Nickelback appearance of the night. God is merciful, and the one-minute mark comes right before the chorus. NOT THIS TIME, KROEGER. Not this time. Please go away, P!nk. I don’t have the patience for you or “Don’t Leave Me.”

Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” only inspires thoughts about her and her meat dress. She was certainly a strange one. Does anyone know what happened to her? #ArtFlop. Akon appears. It’s not “Shake That,” but I’ll take it regardless. Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida” comes on and I’m briefly forced to confront my mortality. Was this really five years ago? It feels like five months ago. I’m going to die sooner than I think. Anyhow…

“Right Now (Na Na Na)” I just want this to be over. Right now. Please. Just let me end this Akon. Wow. Jordin Sparks is playing. She had a song once. Good for her! And now it’s the return of Flo Rida! All hail “Sugar” and the man whose name is literally just a state’s name divided into two parts. Real Quick: Let’s all consider the fact that this is a “rap” song containing the line “I got a mouth full of cavities.” If for no other reason, let’s praise Flo Rida for drawing attention to dental hygiene with his music.

Ne-Yo brings us into the home stretch with his ode to women that don’t need a man. I also love women who can pay for my meals and don’t smell like onion rings. Laaadies?

Owl City ends our recap with “Fireflies.” It might be the least fitting ending since the alternative ending of Avatar showed the U.S. military killing all of the Na’vi tribe members. Oh well. This is how we end it. I hope you’ve all enjoyed this recap and the ones that have come before it. Or not. You clicked the link so I already won. Goodbye!