2006 in Music: A Power Hour Review
Each week for the next 10 weeks, we will be doing a power hour while listening to one minute of the top 60 songs of the each of the last ten years. Don’t ask us why, it just felt like it was really important that we do this. Next up: 2006.
We kick it off with the inaugural Fireball shot, only for the terrifying venture to begin with “Bad Day.” How fitting. This is going to be terrible. I’m already going crazy as the song cuts off before the chorus and “Temperature” begins. Sean Paul’s incomprehensible rambling gets everyone ready to party. Yes, I’m forcing other people to join this horrible adventure. No, I don’t feel sorry. “Promiscuous” comes on and I feel a little sorry. However, James Blunt’s “Beautiful” begins to play, and I cackle. 2006 is going to be a shitshow.
“Hips Don’t Lie” cuts off Señor Blunt after the first “you’re beautiful.” I think it’s better this way. “Unwritten” interrupts the chorus, and suddenly everyone is angry. DAMN YOU NATASHA BEDINGFIELD. “Crazy” interjects as I realize, “Wow. This is going to be so long.” Someone asks if Chamillionaire is even alive as “Ridin’ Dirty” blares. I’m honestly not even sure what the answer is. We try to order chicken wings during “SexyBack.” It doesn’t work out too well. Beyoncé comes on though, and suddenly it’s time to party again. CHECK ON THAT.
Mary J. Blige’s “Be With You” starts playing, and we’re all forced to consider Mary J. Blige is actually really popular. It’s not that she’s not good (she is), it’s just surprising to know that she actually was in the Top 20 for the year. Good for her! Everyone shouts “Rob the jewelry store, tell ‘em make me a grill!” as the conversation directs to the last time we heard about Fat Joe. It was a long time ago.
My inner-angsty teen awakes as “Over My Head (Cable Car)” takes over the room. Apparently The Fray played a high school prom in Boulder, CO. in 2007. How the mighty have fallen. Literally who is Cassie and what is this song “Me & U.” SPELL THE WHOLE WORD. IT’S TWO MORE LETTERS.
Everyone laments not being able to watch the music video for “Buttons” and thinks it would be fun to be aroused in front of everyone. “Before he was a woman-beater” is shouted as “Run It” comes on. Fuck Chris Brown. Sorry Ne-Yo, I can’t do sad right now. You and “So Sick” need to go away now. THANK YOU YUNG JOC. It IS going down. And now Rihanna speaks the truth as she sings “Someone help me” in “SOS.” I need help.
Do you guys remember Panic! At the Disco. Me neither. Please “Move Along” All-American Rejects. I’m not ready to relive being fat, sad, and covered in acne. At least the Red Hot Chili Peppers can remind me of when I tried to be cool. “Snap Yo Fingers” serves as the most pleasant reminder of the Golden Age of Instructional Hip-Hop. “Lean with It, Rock with It” almost feels like the same song. It might be.
“What Hurts the Most” is what hurts most in this moment. NO, NOT “HOW TO SAVE A LIFE.” “Send help,” we call out. Nobody comes. “Unfaithful” plays. Not having it.
No, Snow Patrol. I will not lay with you.
HAHAHAHAHAH HINDER’S “LIPS OF AN ANGEL” WAS A SONG. For the first time, I literally cannot even. Thank God for Cascada, our savior, our hero.
Poor Christina Aguilera. Remember when she thought she had a career in music that involved her singing? Fall Out Boy. That’s it. Middle school was a mess. “Dance, Dance” feels like an anthem, and that’s not okay.
“Gold Digger” is the hero of the night. I’m born anew. AND “MONEY MAKER” RAISES THE BAR. I can do this. We can do this. We’re ALIVE. “BOOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN’ EVERYWHERE.” We fight the urge to twerk. Thank God.
Sean Paul and his who-even-knows-what-language-this-is returns. I feel nothing. “LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH” EVERYTIME I DO IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THE WORLD DESERVES TO END. Kelly Clarkson quietly reminds us all of the times we’ve been abandoned with “Because of You.” We should probably run away from this feeling.
The Pussycat Dolls had a ballad???? Wow. Who knew?
“I’m in Luv (wit a Stripper)” starts up and we suddenly remember what killed T-Pain’s career: illiteracy. “My Humps” comes on. I forgot that most lists go to 100. I thought we were less than halfway through, but we’re well on our way to the end.
Fort Minor was a thing I guess. Let’s forget about that. Everyone begs for a song change when “Yo (Excuse Me Miss)” comes on. I, sadly, cannot oblige. We suffer through the next minute before “Walk Away” saves us. We get through the chorus before the end of the one-minute mark, and suddenly a tremendous weight feels lifted from my chest.
“Laffy Taffy.” That is all. “What You Know” about hoping a painful power hour ends, T.I.? WHATCHU KNOW ABOUT THAT??? You want to know my “Dirty Little Secret,” All-American Rejects? It’s that your song is slowly ending my life. Nickelback had a second single in 2006. We all know the words. Maybe we should be euthanized.
“Don’t Forget about Us” Mariah Carey pleads. Too late, we already have. We’re not ready for your “Sexy Love,” Ne-Yo. Not now. We are, however, ready for E-40 and “U and Dat.” A THIRD NICKELBACK SONG. WHAT IS THIS. THERE IS NO GOD.
Lol @ Nick Lachey trying to be a singer. We move on. Ciara played second-fiddle to Field Mob on “So What.” Oh, how the world has changed. Can someone tell me who Cherish is? Is this Dannity Kane with a different name? No? Okay. I guess I can stop caring then.
Indie girls make their first appearance via KT Tunstall and “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree.” It’s welcome but confusing in the era of booty rap we’re certainly immersed in. Juelz Santana reminds us what we’re supposed to value: limited lyrical depth and bass. “Shoulder Lean” is only a further reminder of this.
Jaime Foxx had a song that wasn’t “Blame It” or “Gold Digger.” The name doesn’t matter. What matters it that Jaime Foxx is a triple threat: acting, singing, looking confused in movie trailers. Justin Timberlake’s “My Love” comes on. We’re so close to the end. We all pray for death, but Eminem and Nate Dogg’s “Shake That” comes on and we’re so excited. WE DID IT. WE’RE ALIVE.
The year of 2006 was certainly the year of instructional and booty-popping rap. Knowing I was a 14-year-old then, I feel like I was missing out. Maybe it was better that my primary interests at the time were The Constitution and The Simpsons. Who needed romantic affection? Not this guy.
At the end of the day, we can all take solace in this fact: the world may be terrible, Ebola may be spreading everywhere – but at least it’s not 2006.