Are You The One? Season 3 Episode 6 Recap

October 30, 2015 / by , / 1 Comment

Before we dive into discussing the episode there’s something we need to acknowledge. The MTV description for this episode begins, “a wild luau reveals who is down 4 getting lei’d and getting played.” Succinct, to the point, pun-loaded, and an attack on the rules of grammar. These are the standards informing this review. We’ll be delving into the details but strap in, because that one sentence description is a pretty good roadmap for the episode.

The beginning of this episode plays out in an accelerated timeframe so we can get to all the luau lei’ing. After a disappointing 2/10 matches last week, the cast is so shell-shocked that they actually allow Austin to speak. He drones on about this “strategy” thing while they numbly chew their food. Despite their lack of luck, no one seems particularly interested in listening to or understanding what Austin has to say – although I’m sure I wouldn’t be either.

Do I believe that Austin is the smartest guy in the house? Yes. Does that make him at all interesting or likable? No. Do I think that Austin is probably as big of a shmuck as the rest of the guys? Absolutely. Especially since he has some special handshake joke with Chuck. Although this might just be because Austin knows where Chuck’s hand has been, and realizes that brushing against it is the closest he will get to female genitalia while in the house.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. We get a nice shot of Connor and Chelsey entering the Honeymoon Suite, which looks to be very nice this season. They eat strawberries and drink champagne while pondering the fate of the poor fools they left behind. Good for them. I don’t think they’re going to win the money, but at least these guys seem to be on their way to building a real relationship.

But for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so Connor and Chelsey’s happiness must cause an equal amount of sadness. This universal law expresses itself through Kayla, who cries to Stacey about missing Connor’s “loud voice, burps, and farts.” I guess this is a humanizing moment for Kayla, but my official stance is still that Kayla is multiple little girls inhabiting an adult body and she never should have been allowed on the show in the first place.

Oh, and speaking of assholes and humanizing moments, here comes a Chuckles scene! We find our lecherous sex clown opening up to Kiki, who is determined to give him a chance even though she’s watched him repeatedly screw over one of the nicest and best looking girls in the house. He opens with the ominous, “I’ve run my course with women,” which seems like an introduction to Chuck admitting his love for Austin, but instead leads to a flurry of clichés. Fortunately for Chuck, Kiki is the kind of girl who hears you say the term “butterflies in my stomach” and immediately melts, so she’s totally onboard with Chuck’s romantic aspirations by the end of their talk. Then Chuck goes for the knockout punch – “I can’t wait to be a father.” He specifies that he wants a son. He’d probably sleep with a daughter.

That leads us straight into the challenge. MTV doesn’t provide a name for this challenge, so  I will do it in their place: “Needlessly Complex.” The guys are tasked with identifying which girl said a certain quote, then they unlock a puzzle box with a key hidden under one of ten X’s. The key opens a strongbox that contains a puzzle of the girl’s face. The first two guys to assemble the puzzle win the date, with the first place winner getting an extra special prize. I know that explanation probably doesn’t make all that much sense, but this challenge is a clusterfuck to explain and not that fun to watch so I’m moving along.

Austin and Chuck are the first guys to finish (I hate Chuck as much as the next guy but man is he good at challenges.) Chuck is the overall first place winner, so he and Kiki get to go on a helicopter tour of Hawaii. This is the coolest date in AYTO history. Cheyenne and Austin get to go get ice cream. This is the worst date in AYTO history.

The Austin-Cheyenne date isn’t just bad because of its mundane activity, it’s bad because Austin is involved. As soon as the date is announced, we get to hear Cheyenne’s take on the situation: “Austin and I are going on a date and I’m pretty nervous. Because he doesn’t have conversations unless they’re regarding strategy. I’m scared that the whole time he’s going to talk about strategy or talk about how he wants to take over the house, and, quite frankly, I don’t want to do either one with [him].”

Ryan then tells the cast that he’s arranged something to “help them” – an all-night lover’s luau. I don’t know if I’d call this help, but the cast is ecstatic.

Chuck and Kiki’s helicopter date goes well, probably because, short of crashing and dying, there’s no way for that date to be bad. They fly around a beautiful place in a helicopter and have to talk through microphones. They land for a picnic after the helicopter ride. Kiki is falling hard at this point and feeling the mighty stomach-butterflies. She tells Chuck that she would love it if they were a match. She has lost all perspective.

The Austin-Cheyenne date goes poorly. Shocker. We only see one snatch of their conversation, but it’s Austin talking about his inability to open up, and his tendency to completely cut-off girls who do anything that he doesn’t like. It’s basically a “hey, I’m a douchebag” sermon. Cheyenne closes out the date segment by saying that Austin “seems a little, uh… not my type.”

The luau looks fun, although it’s hard to overstate the awkward nature of a twenty person dance floor. The show’s most consistent savior/nemesis, alcohol, solves the problem. In a surprise twist, Zak immediately starts hitting on Hannah. He came into the luau with every intention of getting with Cheyenne, but Hannah-banana (Chey’s words, not mine) is just too sexy to resist. Within no time, they are talking about how they will sexually “destroy” each other. I have never flirted this way. But based on what comes next I should definitely start.

They go skinny-dipping and then have an extremely sexually charged makeout session on the beach. Damn. This is graphic. Do kids watch this show? They definitely do. They shouldn’t.

Meanwhile Chuck and Kiki’s connection continues to build. That is, until, (can you guess what comes next?) Chuck starts MAKING OUT WITH BRITNI. This is the exact thing, with the exact person, that got him into tremendous shit two times already. Chuck is powerless in the face of her sex “tractor beam.” Kiki is destroyed — and not in a fun sexual way. Throughout the whole thing, Devin is quietly stewing in jealousy, angry that Kiki is making a connection with someone else. He is basically the world’s strongest (and therefore scariest) baby. He decides that he needs Kiki gone.

Back at the house, Chuck tries to defend himself by playing the “we’re not in a relationship card.” Kiki is upset but can’t really put a coherent reply together. Kayla swoops in and lets Chuck know that he basically has “dick written all over [his] face.” Further, no matter what happened, he’s almost definitely the asshole. Right on all counts, Kayla. Chuck walks away and Kiki tells him that they’re “definitely not a match” because he’s “not an adult at all.”

While Chuck is mired in yet another shitstorm, Zak continues to woo the women of the house. After their skinny-dipping escapades,  Zak and Hannah continue their flirtation at the house. Zak charms Hannah with a compliment about her “dramatic” butt (@Teens: Is this a new, hip compliment now? Plz explain). They immediately head to the Boom Boom room. While it is not entirely clear what happens there, the clip featured in the episode shows Zak with his dick in his hand for over five seconds, so it’s safe to say that was probably involved. These editors have never been great with subtlety.

As Zak and Hannah work towards creating children with perfectly quaffed hair, Kiki attempts to rekindle her romance with Devin. However, he rejects her advances. Devin calls Kiki “manipulative” in a soundbite so hypocritical it may have actually been complex satire. However, he follows this absurd assertion with a decent point: If Kiki thinks her and Chuck would be together if he weren’t there, she should try to be with Chuck because she and him (Devin) are not a match. Kiki rejects this idea and says she “chose” Devin. It’s a funny exchange of lies.

The episode isn’t all sex and irrationality though (SEE: Every other episode). Tyler and Melanie bond over their trust issues and fractured families. It’s an endearing moment – up until Tyler’s confessional reveals he doesn’t want Melanie to open up to him fully and would prefer for her to be just open enough to let him “charm her” into liking him. That notion makes total sense in a world where 1. Connection is a bad thing and 2. Tyler is charming. However, since neither of those things are true, especially given how soon they need to find their matches, this sounds like it will end terribly.

Speaking of things ending terribly – the house votes Chuck and Kiki into the Truth Booth. They astutely point out that Chuck and Kiki being a perfect match would give them a lot of information (The kind of information that can be found on our matchup chart); if they’re a match, all of the other pairs from the previous ceremony would not be fits. It would be like a free blackout. Moments before the reveal, Devin declares that he will “fuck [Kiki] then tear her down” if she returns.  There’s the Devin we remember! This insult strikes a chord with the house. Everyone is bothered by the notion of emotionally crippling another human being. This is where they draw the line. It took weeks of emotional abuse, property damage, and manipulation, but they finally realized what they won’t accept: the systematic destruction of a human’s soul.

Of course, Kiki and Chuck aren’t a match. It’s difficult to see Chuck matched with anyone in the house. Maybe one of the women has a secret fetish for dimwitted men who cheat on them frequently. Has anyone asked that question yet? The idea of Kiki returning sends Devin into a fury. He flips over a table and proceeds to stalk around the backyard of the house. Kiki, despite warnings from everyone in the house, seeks him out and attempts to engage him. This goes about as well as anyone conversation with a lunatic could: He screams a lot, throws his beer, and searches for an escape route from the house.

The resounding failure of the past two weeks pushes the men to search for a matchup strategy. Austin proposes an idea that none of the men seem to understand (essentially, he wants to keep all of the matches the same of the previous ceremony except for three pairs – providing a mini but more variable Truth Booth). Nelson, an idiot, declares to a room of vacant stares that the guys are “intelligent” and should be able to figure this out. One of those two things is right: They should be able to figure this out.

At the matchup ceremony, Ryan Devil delivers his routine speech about how the group will lose $250,000 dollars if they find no new matches. The words resonate now more than ever, since the entire cast understands that their ineptitude gives them a much better chance of finding no matches than it does of allowing them to stumble into a correct pairing (despite the mathematical odds being higher that they’d find one match).

The matchup ceremony proceed as follows:

Chuck receives the first pick. Ryan Devlin asks how he’s doing and Chuck insists he’s great. Devlin wryly retorts, “I don’t believe that” with snort-inducing timing. Chuck admits things are less than great. Chuck picks Amanda.

Tyler picks Hannah, moments after declaring his strongest connection is with Melanie. As Ryan Devlin asks for his motivation, the dreaded S-word surfaces: Strategy. Devlin goes into Disappointed Dad mode. The deed is done though, and they lock in.

Zak picks Kayla. Sure. Whatever.

Austin picks Cheyenne. Poor Cheyenne. She’s just caught in the middle of the men’s strategic mess. Not only is Austin as interesting as week-old Wonderbread, he’s also an asshole. It’s like if Wonderbread was called “Fuck You, I’m Better Than You Bread.”

Hunter picks Britni. She isn’t happy about the choice and blames Austin’s strategy. Though she and Hunter have a good chance of actually being a match, it’s clear she wants nothing more than Chuckles, the Insatiable Hawaiian Sex Clown.

Alec picks Stacey. Honestly, not hearing or seeing Stacey this episode has made her a lot more likeable. This isn’t a terrible pair.

Nelson picks Kiki. While it seems like Kiki has only been matched with assholes, that’s only because she’s been paired with guys in the cast. Kiki explains that she is done with Devin, but he responds, “It won’t be over if I don’t want it to be.” I hope there is a police officer on standby, because that is serial killer reasoning. “You may try to leave me, but you can’t run if you’re my skin suit.” (NOTE: Our fake lawyers have informed me that I must mention he didn’t actually say those words…But he almost did).

Devin picks Rashida. Rashida seems positive about this. She’s prepared to turn this serial killer into a serial emotional abuser.

Mike and Melanie are left together. This is a fine pair. Melanie is a beautiful, intelligent saint and Mike is filet mignon (in lap-dancing), so maybe…Yeah, they’re not a match.

Connor and Chelsey – our perfect match – comprise the 10th pair.

The big strategic plan produces…Three total beams. Only two unconfirmed matches. Welp. Looks like Austin doesn’t earn that supposed six-figure salary playing strategy games. Ryan Devlin once again lectures the cast on the need to follow their hearts. Weeks ago, this seemed like an insincere attempt to create drama. Now, with the men having proved themselves morons (except for Our Hero, Connor) and the women refusing to play with strategy, it’s clear that these words might actually be the only hope for this cast.

With plenty of burgeoning romance but matchup decisions that don’t reflect these interests, let’s hope next week sees our desperate lovebirds paired up with the people they like – or at least people they don’t hate. *cough* Cheyenne and Austin *cough*