Are You The One? Season 3 Episode 5 Recap

October 26, 2015 / by , / 0 Comment

This season has been a disaster. I guess that’s not surprising. Every season has started as a disaster, with matches and progress only beginning to truly take form in the second half of the game. Still, this season’s future seems especially bleak.

In the two seasons prior, the cast was able to find at least one confirmed perfect match by the fourth week, and the number of lights they were getting at matchup ceremonies floated between four and six. In contrast, last week yielded another failed Truth Booth and a dismal 2/10 matches. There’s still six weeks to get things together, but this particular cast of dysfunctional 20-somethings have probably never “gotten things together” in their lives. At this point, I’m saying the best possible future is that nobody leaves the house pregnant.

It’s sad to watch the contestants trickle back into the house, assuaging each other with murmurs of “at least we didn’t get a blackout.” Luckily, we don’t have long to dwell on the tragedy before Kayla crosses the room and smacks Connor directly in the face. Initially he seems more flustered than anything, but as the absurdity of her reaction sinks in his true irritation shows. He confronts her during the post-matchup dinner, demanding to know why she’s mad at him.

Predictably, Connor does not get a satisfying answer. Kayla deflects the question by wondering why he “can’t take a slap,” then proclaims that she doesn’t even care about it. THEN she says she’s mad that he didn’t back her up, and then repeats that she’s over it. This occurs as her housemates conspiratorially whisper about what a child Kayla is being. These whispers become central to the conflict as Chelsey interjects herself into their fight, yelling about how Kayla is confirming her status as the youngest person in the house by acting like a child. The whole thing ends with Connor telling Kayla that she’s “making it hard to stick up for her.” Kayla responds in her typical fashion: loudly and emotionally exclaiming about how little she cares.

Pictured: Kayla suffering an epileptic fit after accidentally exposing herself to something cross shaped.

Pictured: Kayla suffering a fit after accidentally exposing herself to something cross shaped.

In a truth booth confessional, she breaks the fourth wall and utters the reprehensible phrase “#teamkayla” into the universe. In deep space, aliens add another tally mark to their “annihilate the human race” column.

Meanwhile, Chuck apologizes to Hannah for failing to stick up for her during the drama surrounding last week’s Truth Booth. She says that everyone deserves a second chance, but if they fuck that up then they’re a “fucking idiot.” Chuck catches the scent of sexual opportunity and immediately parlays her forgiveness into an invitation to the master bedroom. Hannah accepts. This confirms the overarching trend of this season: All of the girls are too good for any of the boys. Except Connor.

Challenge Time

This week’s challenge is called “Anything for Love.” No blatant sexual innuendo, no stupid pun, just a warning of the punishment to come. See, “Anything for Love” is AYTO’s annual eating challenge, and this year it’s girls-only.

The first round actually isn’t that bad. Each of the girls is given a tub of squid, which they’re forced to dig through in order to find three colored balls. They don’t have to eat anything, a rare act of mercy from the diabolical Devlin. Still, most of the girls do not deal well with the challenge. The soundtrack could be summarized as “squealing,” and a few of the girls don’t have the stomach to endure this first, relatively tame challenge. Brittany, Cheyenne, and Amanda are eliminated. As they watch the rest of the challenge unfold, I imagine they feel relief.

The second part of the challenge gives the girls a choice: either down five shots of hot sauce or eat an entire plate of pig’s feet. Rashida grew up eating pig’s feet, so she clears her plate in record time and finishes first. Melanie is close behind as she downs hot sauce at a truly alarming rate; Chelsey and Kayla bring up the rear after Kiki recuses herself and Stacey succumbs to a gagging fit. With four contestants left, we move into the final round.

The last portion of the challenge tasks the contestants to bob for apples in buckets of fish chum. There are five apples in each bucket of fish chum and the contestant completes the challenge as soon as she pulls out a single apple.

Kayla stares into the fish chum, feels it stare back, and promptly quits. She doesn’t really have anyone she’s dying to date, and so she doesn’t really feel the need to debase herself. Rashida, Chelsey, and Melanie remain.

Rashida fish chum

“Bobbing for apples is a full body sport.” -Rashida’s mother, years ago

Chelsey harnesses the raw power of love and manages to pull an apple out of the fish chum. This leaves Melanie and Rashida vying for the second spot. Of the two, it’s clear that Rashida wants it more – she’s so desperate for a connection that she fled the last matchup ceremony, unable to stomach the thought that no one would pick her. Personally, I think this makes her a whiny baby. But it seems to have endeared her to the rest of the house. Unfortunately, her apple bobbing technique is subpar. Instead of trying to grab an apple with her teeth, Rashida opts to repeatedly submerge her entire head in fish chum and cry. The strategy is novel, but does not seem to be paying off. She recognizes this and begins to throw a tantrum.

Despite her complete lack of skill or fortitude, Rashida is given a gift. Melanie recognizes how badly she wants the date and allows Rashida to win the challenge. Melanie is a queen. My feelings towards Rashida notwithstanding, this is a nice moment.

As an additional twist, Chelsey, the first place winner, gets to choose who Rashida takes on her date. Chelsey selects Connor as her own date and Nelson as Rashida’s. The two couples are set to go carve some waves on jet-powered surfboards. I can’t really visualize that but every component of the sentence is awesome, so I’m excited for them.

Back in the house, one of the most promising romances continues to bloom. Zak and Cheyenne are getting along famously and only face one major obstacle – Nelson. Cheyenne’s non-match will not let the relationship go, and walks onto the porch and begins making out with her as Zak is telling her that he thinks they might be a match. Cheyenne accurately compares this behavior as a dog peeing on a tree to marks its territory. As if that wasn’t enough hyper-masculine douche baggery, Nelson leaves her with the command to “be in bed in five minutes.” No wonder they can’t find any matches.

The date goes well for both couples. Rashida and Nelson get along well, although Nelson utters the nauseatingly familiar refrain that “his heart is with Cheyenne.” Connor and Chelsey solidify their connection, and they tell each other that they hope they’re each other’s perfect matches.

With Nelson out of the house, Zak seizes the opportunity to put the moves on Cheyenne. He flirts and pecks and caresses and slowly builds to a passionate kiss. Cheyenne describes the experience as “yes.” I can only agree. Connor and Zak are the only two guys who I really like this season, so it’s nice to see both of them moving towards real relationships with two of the cooler girls in the house.

The Truth Booth

After the date, the house gathers to see who has been selected to enter the Truth Booth. Despite conventional wisdom indicating that these perpetual fuck-ups will make the wrong choice, they AMAZINGLY put Connor and Chelsey into the Truth Booth. Wow. You did it. You chose the couple whose backstories are so GODDAMN PERFECTLY MATCHED THAT IT WAS TELEGRAPHED THAT THEY WOULD BE TOGETHER. Literally why would the producers select someone who understood the dangers of substance abuse to live in a house full of orgy-craving binge-drinkers UNLESS one of the contestants was recovering from substance abuse problems? Right, they wouldn’t.

The outcome of the Truth Booth ceremony is so obvious that the prolonged fake “calculations” feel like a joke. THEY’RE A PERFECT MATCH! THEY DID IT! What could possibly go wrong from here?

Everything.

Broken Doors and the Emergence of “Chuckles”

After the jubilation of the match has been exhausted, it’s time for everyone to rethink their current approaches. For Cheyenne, this means finally telling Nelson it’s time to move on. She tells him that she and Zak kissed. Nelson responds like a rational, calm…HAHAHAHAH. What show do you think this is? Nelson responds by beating the shit out of an apple.

Zak attempts to defuse the situation, but Nelson isn’t in the mood for conversation. Instead, he wants to continue to brutalize inanimate objects. It might be his greatest strength. Nelson proves he’s a true “alpha, bro” by punching through a door and almost murdering Britni.

Apparently almost getting punched in the head is a real turn-on for Britni though, because the whole ordeal immediately pushes her into the arms of Chuck, aka “Chuckles.” As Mermaid and Merman begin their foreplay in the open, Hannah handles the situation with impressive aplomb. She jokingly narrates their PDA before calmly removing herself from the situation. Britni and Chuck then fuck out in the open. It’s super classy. The next morning, Chuck supplies the revelation everyone expected: He cheats on his girlfriends. In other news, the sky is blue and Ryan Devlin disdains the whole cast of the show. Yay! Three things we all knew.

Chuck asks Hannah to forgive him for having sex right in front of her. She doesn’t forgive him. This is a nice episode for good people sticking up for themselves.

Matchup Time

At the matchup ceremony, the guys all dress in black and the women are in white. This seems like a pretty silly shtick planned by MTV’s costume department, but it can’t be that simple. Nope, the guys are mourning the fact that Chuck is an asshole and will therefore be treated like an asshole. This is his “funeral.” And the women are angels? That part made less sense.

Before the picks begin, Connor and Chelsey pair up. Everyone applauds. It’s nice. Hooray. That’s not why we’re here though. We’re here to see shit hit the fan – and boy-oh-boy, does it ever.

The matchups that proceed are as follows:

Melanie picks Hunter. Not sure how to feel about this couple. Melanie is a beautiful saint and Hunter…has a big dick. And he maybe wants to find love. But mainly he’s there to helicopter his schlong.

Next up is Britni. Before she can put in her pick, Shit Hits the Fan Volume 1 is released. Ryan Devlin asks Britni about her “Chuckles,” and she brags about their public sex. The conversation then turns to Hannah, who rightfully blasts Chuck for being manipulative. Hannah doesn’t seem bothered that Chuck slept with another girl. She’s bothered that he acted like an asshole to make it happen. It’s righteous anger with a clear point. It’s a point that Chuck and Britni both miss, but it’s still a good point. Ultimately, Britni picks Mike. Mike responds with an enthusiastic “oof.” Oof is right, Mike. Oof.

Stacey picks Alec. This really needs to stop. Poor Formerly Fat Kid Alec.

Kayla picks Zak. DAMNIT, KAYLA. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR FUCKING UP THE GOOD MATCHES IN THE HOUSE. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?

Rashida picks Nelson. Nelson is a raging moron and Rashida is a sensitive woman. This won’t end well.

Cheyenne is next at the podium and SHE. MURDERS. IT. Cheyenne begins a rant so wonderfully appropriate that it should be replayed for every future cast of the show. After going in on Nelson acting like a lunatic, Cheyenne provides the moment of the night. She proclaims, “The whole time [the guys] are sitting there talking like this is Chuck’s funeral, like Hannah doesn’t have feelings. WHAT THE FUCK?” Rarely does a show based around alcoholism and communal hook-up spaces provide such moments of clarity. Thank you, Cheyenne.

With Zak already gone, Cheyenne picks Devin. Yes, it would be better if it were Zak, but Devin has come across as less awful in the past couple weeks, so this is fine.

Hannah picks Austin. Austin is a piece of white bread. Austin calls the IRS to discuss tax policy. Austin looks forward to going to the DMV. Austin wears a hairnet in the shower. He is…The Least Interesting Man in the House.

Kiki picks Chuck. Ryan Devlin asks Kiki if she can get over how he treated Hannah. She responds with a less-than-positive, “We’ll see.” Let’s hope that “we’ll see”  is a “no.” It’s hard to imagine anyone in the house deserving Chuck…Other than Britni.

Amanda and Tyler are matched by default.

Not surprisingly, they only receive two total lights – meaning only one of nine of the non-guaranteed pairs is a match. Considering half of the contestants wanted to be paired with other people at the ceremony, the house is surprisingly amazed by this letdown. Ryan Devlin reminds the cast to play with their hearts. K. We get it. This is definitely the wrong strategy, but it is the producers’ M.O. for the season. They’d be better off taking elementary math classes and putting together a chart (like this one), but I guess we’ll have to settle for more screaming and sex. Oh well.

For now, we bid a fond farewell to Chelsey and our King Kong hero, Connor. While it’s nice to know they’ll be able to relax for the rest of the show, it’s sad to know two of the most likeable people have been removed from the house. Now who will show the men how to have thoughtful conversations? Nobody, probably.

Come back next week for more apple-smashing fun!