Are You The One Season 2 Episode 7 Review

November 20, 2014 / by / 7 Comments

Last week the house got a blackout (0 new matches) for the second time. The first time it happened it was good, and helped them narrow the field. But two times is too many, and at the beginning of episode seven we find the house really feeling the pressure for the first time.

There’s less tears and tantrums than after the first blackout. In fact, the only person who really seems at all torn up about it is Ellie, who showcases surprising emotional resilience. With a wave of the hand she tells us, “if you’re not my match then whatever, we can still fuck.” It’s a bad sentiment — but so common in the house that it’s difficult to really blame Ellie. Meanwhile, Layton and Jenni also learned they weren’t a perfect match, but they’re both just relieved. They might have been attracted to each other from the first episode, but Layton’s ridiculous feud with Anthony and refusal to accept a woman that’s slept with a lot of men spelled doom for their union. Now Jenni is free to pursue a relationship with John, and Layton is left to pursue a relationship with whatever poor soul he’s matched with.

The essence of Brandon

The essence of Brandon

Brandon continues his campaign to alienate himself from every person in the house, confiding that “the house is full of peanut brains.” A damning accusation coming from the largest peanut brain in the house. He insists that everyone should listen to his opinons about how to play the game because he’s “the only one with a degree in the house.” This is blatantly untrue. Jasmine has two degrees. John is in law school. Curtis in an engineering student. Ellie has a degree. Everyone swoops down on Brandon pointing out that even “five people can’t pull your head out of your ass.”

Getaway Challenge

Then its on to this week’s challenge! Its a 3-part challenge, so in the first two parts only the girls compete, and then if they make it to the third round they compete in a task aided by their male partner. The challenge is, as expected, completely humiliating and great. In the first stage the girls have to build a pyramid of solo cups using only their mouths. The hilarity reaches its zenith when Christina drops a cup and is forced to retrieve it from the ground. The two slowest girls and their partners are eliminated, so after a lackluster performance Jessica & Garland and Brianna & Anthony are taken out of the game.

Solo cup fellatioThe second round is a speed test of who can most quickly devour five “tubes of meat” (Ryan Devlin’s name for hotdogs. I would really like to reiterate that I do not believe he is a human being.) Jasmine has a surprisingly strong performance where she swallows hotdogs two at a time. Christina and Ellie aren’t able to handle the greasy power of the hot dogs and vomit into a trashcan, disqualifying themselves from the challenge. Ashley has a close call where she almost loses her lunch, but powers through it with pure force of will and moves onto the next round.

The last round is introduced by Ryan Devlin uttering a phrase that he claims to have waited his whole career to deliver: “Girls, you’re going to dip your buns and thighs in trays of honey.” Once they’re appropriately sticky they’re tasked with rolling around in a marked off area full of balls with the goal of getting as many balls to stick to them as possible. Then, their male partner will pick the balls of their butts and place them in a cup. The first to fifteen wins. All three couples will be truth booth eligible but only the first to finish will get to go onto the getaway date.

John & Jenni are the first to finish, followed closely by Brandon & Jasmine and Alex & Alex. Sadly, this eliminates Dario & Ashley, who are one of my favorite couples and worth a lot of information if they turn out to be a perfect match. Only John & Jasmine are going on a solo getaway date, but Ryan Devlin reveals that everyone in the house will be going to a getaway party aboard the massive party bus “Optimus Prime.” The only catch is that they “need to have a motherfucking good time.” They are happy to oblige.

Optimus Prime Party

The party predictably leads to a slew of hookups. Dario confesses to the camera that Ashley “is a diamond, but she’s a diamond that’s never been touched. I don’t know if I’m ready for it but… damn that booty big.” They’re soon dancing together on the bus, heightening the already intense sexual tension between them.

They arrive at their destination to discover a lovely beach side party complete with a live band. Everyone proceeds to have a really great time except Brandon, who mopes in the corner as he watches Nate & Christina dance the night away. Layton takes Ashley away from the group to confess his new found attraction to her, a sentiment that she receives diplomatically but without enthusiasm. This is probably partly due to the fact that Jessica is lurking in the ocean behind them like the creature from the drunk lagoon.

Alex & Jasmine are feeling the vibe and retreat to the party bus to make out. Jasmine takes this opportunity to let Alex know that she hates and despises him, but that she would be happy if they were a match. As far as I can tell they spend the rest of the evening making out in various places, at one point tenderly exploring each others bodies in the sand. This party was such a great idea MTV.

Tyler decides to finally make a move and begins to make out with Garland. When the two return to the house they decide to go the boom-boom room for an inauspicious lovemaking sesh. Garland confides that he’s “just there to get my issue off and get out of the room.” He cums very quickly, immediately flees the scene, and fearfully tells the rest of the house he wasn’t “trying to put in no work.” Tyler is a little pissed, but mostly just takes it in stride. Garland sucks in bed, whatever, its no skin off her back.

"Take THAT Poseidon!"

“Take THAT Poseidon!”

But if I had to pick a favorite aspect of the party, it was Brandon’s descent into drunken madness. Unable to stand the sight of Christina with another man, he eventually runs out to the beach, strips off his clothes, and begins to fight the ocean waves in order to vent his frustration. I don’t know why he does this. But maybe it’s just because I don’t have a degree.

The next morning finds Garland opening up to Jessica, admitting that hooking up with Tyler was a mistake and that he has a lot of growing up to do. They have a lot of common ground in that respect, and Jessica admits that they might be like “best friends” so they could be a perfect match.

Getaway Date

John and Jenni bathtub dateJohn & Jenni’s getaway date was weird. They went to a rooftop in an ugly part of the city, drank champagne, and sat in separate bath tubs. It’s a testament to their chemistry that the date still went well. John’s been interested in Jenni since day one, so while he’s happy to be there he’s pretty much the same as he’s always been. Jenni, on the other hand, really begins to like John, saying that early she “had her eyes set on different things, but my eyes are set on [John] now.” Yay love.

Truthbooth

The deliberations about the truthbooth are frustrating this week, because Jasmine comes up with the incredibly stupid idea that since they know Christina isn’t a match with John and Brandon, they should vote Alex in on the slim chance that he might be the double match and they could get rid of Christina. In reality I think she just wants Alex gone, since she seems to have a weird, weird thing going on with him. This angers Brianna, the perpetual voice of reason, who wants to stick with the wild strategy of SENDING THE STRONGEST MATCH INTO THE TRUTHBOOTH. “The strongest people go into the truthbooth you fucking idiots! C’mon! I know you’re smarter than this!” The voting is neck and neck, but Brianna is eventually heeded. The house votes John & Jenni in.

And good thing they did because they’re a PERFECT MATCH. This really blows the game wide open for them, giving the house a chance to actually win the money. Hooray for John! Hooray for Jenni! Hooray for a good truthbooth.

Perfect match celebrationThe reason that this truthbooth is so useful is because Brianna, the current house genius, realizes that in matchup five they now have all 3 perfect matches accounted for, meaning they can rule out every other couple from week five. Jessica & Nate can’t be a match, and Brandon only has two potential matches left, Brianna and Tyler. He describes it as being forced to “pick the lesser of two evils.” I assume that they’d describe it as “hell on earth.” God I hope its not Brianna. She doesn’t deserve that.

Matchup Ceremony

Dario picks Ashley (Layton says that Ashley is being a coward and she shouldn’t just go to someone that makes her comfortable. Instead she should go to a controlling psychopath who makes her uncomfortable.)

Alex picks Jasmine

Layton picks Ellie (“Layton is attractive but I’d never date him, because Layton would try to be my father.”)

Brandon picks Tyler (Brandon says “I will never stop fighting for Christina.” His two potential matches loudly announce that they don’t want Brandon to be their perfect match.)

Anthony picks Brianna

Nate picks Christina (Nate says that he’s proud of Christina and could probably get over Brandon if he wasn’t following her around all the time. Brandon proceeds to shout himself out and eventually consents to leave Christina alone for the millionth time.)

Garland has to choose between Alex and Jessica, he ultimately picks Jessica.

Alex is sent to the spinster stage.

End result

6/10 perfect matches. They still have a long way to go, but this is what they needed. They might actually win this thing. Watch the full episode here.