Are You The One Season 2 Episode 5 Recap

November 06, 2014 / by / 12 Comments

The rules for reviewing AYTO are very similar to the rules of being a secret agent: don’t fall in love. Maintaining distance from the contestants of the show is essential. If I allow myself to truly bond with them, I’ll no longer be able to muster the level of contempt that allows me to dedicate hours of my life to chronicling the rise and fall (mostly fall) of MTV’s latest crop of “stars.”

But I broke the rule. Watching this week of AYTO I feel…bad. At the end of the last episode we discovered that the house had zero perfect matches (apart from Paris & Pratt). In a split second, nine couples were torn apart. I expected to delight in the ensuing emotional carnage, and in some cases I did, but the dissolution of Curtis & Brianna’s relationship was difficult to watch. They managed to stir all the emotion in me that Shanley & Chris T. never did. It feels like the first time on the show where I’ve watched two reasonable people struggle with their feelings.

It's really hard to find a screencap that shows the true depths of Brianna's rage

Its really hard to find a screencap that shows the true depths of Brianna’s rage

Even though Curtis & Brianna are the only ones facing a real tragedy, Jessica is the one having the toughest time dealing with the fallout. She wanders the house like a wailing banshee, crying on anyone and everything. She even forces Brianna to put her own heartbreak on hold because she needs so much comfort. Eventually, her exclamations that she “doesn’t give a fuck about the money” get to be too much for Curtis to take, and he delivers the most eloquent speech in AYTO history:

“Here’s the answer Jess. You can sit here, you can dwell, you can pour gas on the flame, you can waste the next however many weeks stressing about this decision that just got made for us, or, you can realize that you might have gotten more information about you than you really wanted. Step the fuck up, strap those boots tight, and move forward. We got another challenge.”

In order to really emphasize how unexpectedly eloquent that speech was, I’d like to compare it to a speech from Curtis’ season 1 counterpart, Chris T:

“Let me tell you something right now, Thomas Edison had a dream about light. He defied the laws of gravity and what was wrote down in paper. And created something that everybody uses on a daily basis. Because he went with his gut. When everyone else said no, he said ‘fuck you!’” If my heart tells me something, I’m gonna follow it, because that’s my fucking yellow brick road!”

So yeah, Curtis for president. Down with Jessica. Although, I guess we already knew that.

ChallengeThen it’s on to this weeks challenge. Curiously enough, this weeks challenge is also unnamed, so we don’t have any cheap laughs in that department. But this is a minor inconvenience because the challenge itself is awesome, and taken straight from MTV’s The Challenge. Basically, all nine men in the house (Alex is out sick) are attached to a steel ring, and then tasked with reaching a treasure chest and pulling a gold coin out of it. Since they’re all tied together they have to drag the other men to reach their chest, making it into an 8-way tug of war.

I was surprised by the people who did well in this challenge. Dario won the first round, which is to be expected seeing as he’s an aspiring professional athlete. However, Curtis was right behind him and won the second round. I knew Curtis was one of the smartest people in the house, but I didn’t also know that he was one of the strongest. What a champion. Brandon won the third round, fuck him.

But by far the most surprising performance in the challenge came from Layton “Rebel Special Teams” Jones, who basically spends the whole challenge getting yanked backwards and struggling to make any progress at all. As one of the largest guys in the house I was expecting Layton to kick some ass, but he seemed like he was barely able to move his own body. Boo Layton.

Anyway, Dario chooses Jenni to go on his date, Curtis chooses Shelby, and Brandon chooses Jasmine. The picks cause some ripples, as Ashley is convinced that Dario is her match and thinks he was wrong to choose Jenni, and since Curtis has been matched with Brianna in everything since the first episode, him doing anything with anyone else is a pretty big change. He’s obviously not super into it, but he says that he and Bri agreed to make the best moves for the house.

Despite the fact that Layton has proven himself as a pale, weak manbaby, Jenni is still interested in him, although she’s afraid that Jessica will “kill her” if they do anything together. She makes Layton swear to deal with the insane Jess if he wants to pursue a relationship with her, and since he’s lacking any other sort of direction he’s happy to make that promise. It really does seem like Curtis’ speech calmed Jessica down a little bit, but everyone is just waiting for the wrong thing to set her off.

Anthony almost resolves the situation by tickling Ellie with a leaf. Seriously.

Anthony almost resolves the situation by tickling Ellie with a leaf. Seriously.

And speaking of the wrong things setting people off, this week saw the normally rational Ellie losing her head, although I don’t really blame her. Ellie’s relationship with Anthony looks pretty frustrating, they both like to joke around and obviously have a lot in common but Anthony says the “physical attraction just isn’t there.” Of course that’s not what Ellie wants to hear, and when Christina starts making out with Anthony as part of a drinking game Ellie pries them off of each other. This doesn’t turn out to be a very effective solution, as Alex K. immediately says “it’s okay” and leans down to make out with Anthony. Jessica is drawn to the makeout sesh like a moth to a flame and sits eagerly next to them, circling like some kind of weird sex shark.

It’s all too much for poor Ellie to take. She excuses herself to the porch to be alone, but soon finds herself dealing with a sort-of-contrite-but-not-really Anthony who wants her to chill out and be happy. It’s an age-old dance where he tells her that he likes her as a person and that she’s one of his best friends; and then she tells him that she doesn’t want to be one of his best friends and that he should go because he has “other bitches to please.” They don’t find any common ground and the whole debacle ends with Ellie storming away. A sad situation. Neither one of them is in the wrong but that doesn’t change the fact that Ellie is miserable. Woof.

Then it’s on to the get-away date, which this week is an all-expenses paid trip down a stone deathtrap. Okay, deathtrap might be a little strong – it’s a stone waterfall that doubles as a water slide – but it looks super painful to go down. Jasmine suffers the worst of it when she tries to go down in a goofy pose and ends up knocking her head. No major injuries, but this date looks significantly less fun than the last few.

This is Jasmine having "fun" on her date!

This is Jasmine having “fun” on her date!

Brandon & Jasmine seem to have a pretty good date, at least for a while. Things go downhill when Brandon, pretty much out of nowhere, tells Jasmine, “I really want to find out if you’re my perfect match.” Whoa buddy, slow it down, especially since you don’t have a particularly great record with the truth booth. Things get even more complicated when Brandon tries to kiss her, only to discover that Jasmine promised Christina she wouldn’t kiss Brandon.

Curtis & Shelby also have a pretty successful date, all things considered. Curtis is obviously having some trouble getting into the mood, but Shelby still thinks that it’s “one of the best days ever.” Even when Curtis isn’t fully invested in the date he’s pretty nice, so there are no hiccups there.

Now it’s truth booooth time. Before they reveal the votes Ryan Devlin stirs the pot a little bit. He interrogates Brandon about his feelings regarding Christina and after Brandon clumsily spouts off some lines about “never forgetting about Christina” and “always thinking about her as a friend,” Christina storms out of the room. Once enraged there’s no talking her down, and she eventually declares the end to her romance with Brandon — although we’ll see if that sticks.

Then it’s revealed that Curtis & Shelby are the couple that are going into the truth booth. It’s a difficult situation in which everyone wants them to be a perfect match for the good of the house — and it will be easier for Curtis and Brianna to move on if they aren’t trapped in the same house — but, at the same time, a perfect match isn’t going to make Curtis, Shelby, or Brianna happy. They march to the truth booth with grim expressions. Curtis is trying to be positive, saying that he “believes in the matchmaking process, and if we’re a match, there’s a reason.”

Curtis and Shelby are revealed to be a perfect match. He and Shelby seem genuinely happy about it, and as they walk back into the house Curtis reveals that the “first thought on my mind is smile big, don’t let anyone see you sweat.” At the same time, he immediately goes and tries to talk to the crying Bri, and the big smile doesn’t stay on his face for long. It’s also revealed that Christina isn’t a match with Curtis, so she gets to stay on, although based on her recent freak out I don’t think anyone is that happy about it.

To celebrate the second perfect match, Ellie pours two bottles of shampoo into the hot tub, turning it into a huge bubble bath, but while most of the house frolics in their aquatic wonderland Curtis and Brianna are having their talk about what this means for them. Curtis says he’s in love with Bri, and that he isn’t going to fall for Shelby because he’s “still falling for [Bri].” The two end up sharing an intimate night in the boom-boom room, and good for them. They deserve it.

But they aren’t the only no-match to get frisky. Jenni also gives Anthony a blowjob despite their confirmed no-match. They do not deserve it. I disapprove.

Matchup Ceremony

Pratt & Paris

Curtis & Shelby

Anthony & Ashley (Two notes here: first off, when Ryan Devlin asked about the nature of Anthony’s relationship with Jenni, she loudly proclaims “I gave him HEAD Ryan!” Secondly, Ellie is fucking PISSED that Anthony didn’t pick her.)

Brandon & Jasmine

Garland & Tyler

John & Jenni

Layton & Brianna (Layton comes for Jenni here, saying “I don’t think you need to sneak into someone’s room and suck their dick to have a good time.”)

Alex & Christina

It was like watching my Dad cry.

It was like watching my Dad cry.

Nathan & Jessica

Dario & Alex K

Ellie on the spinster stage

Ultimately they get only 3/10 perfect matches. Personally I think that it’s probably Brandon and Jasmine, as they’re both annoying and critical enough to deserve each other. Its a sad moment, they’re still so far from their million dollars and we have to watch Curtis, Brianna, and Shelby — possibly the three most likable characters on the show — all cry. I don’t know what I want to happen. I think Curtis will end up being happy no matter what happens, but there’s just no way for everyone to get what they want.

And that’s exactly how AYTO should be.