Are You The One Season 2 Episode 3 Recap

October 23, 2014 / by / 16 Comments

First off I just want to say that the name of this episode is “Virgin Tears.” I love that. If there’s one thing that AYTO is missing it’s virgins crying, so I was excited for this episode as soon as I saw the title. In reality this episode is a lot of non-virgins crying, so it’s basically every other episode of the series to date.

So far this season has moved slower than the first, which is to say that it took two episodes instead of one for the truth booth to break someones heart. Brandon has fallen improbably, unrealistically, stupidly in love with Christina, and his subsequent middle school mope-fest is an anchoring point for a lot of the conflict in the house during this episode. It starts almost immediately, with Brandon pointing out that the two strongest couples – Paris & Pratt and Brianna & Curtis – are looking a little weak, seeing how they just switched 8 other couples and still only came out with two lights. Curtis is pretty reasonable about the whole thing (because he’s the fucking best, except for maybe John) but he tells Brandon that if he’s gonna “say shit like that, you better not spend one fucking wasted second in this house dealing with someone who is not your match.”

"This whole house is against me." -Brandon, in a rare moment of lucid thought

“This whole house is against me.” -Brandon, in a rare moment of lucid thought

Brandon’s refusal to move on is particularly difficult for Christina, who needs to find another man pronto before she gets sent home with no money. Unfortunately, I think Brandon is gonna stay stuck on Christina because I don’t know why anyone else would want to be his match at this point, he’s such a crazy person. Ellie, acting as a surprising font of wisdom, said it best: “I just don’t believe you can fall in love with someone in a week. You gotta know what the fucking person’s farts smell like to fall in love with them.” Brandon didn’t get the flatulence memo. He weeps to Alex. I hope someone else bangs Christina soon.

Meanwhile Jenni is continuing to explore her connection with Anthony, who, in case you didn’t read last weeks recap, does not brush his teeth. It’s difficult for me to take anyone’s relationship with Anthony seriously because he’s just such an obvious player douchebag. Anyone who will tell you that “you have the potential to change who I am,” fifteen seconds into flirting with you is not looking to change who they are – they are looking to sleep with you. Still, Layton’s keeping a love triangle alive, Jenni might as well too.

But the real madness this episode comes from Shelby & Nathan – or to be more accurate – the real craziness comes from Nathan and is directed at poor, poor Shelby. She tries to talk to him about how sorry she is that Dario kissed her in front of everyone and Nathan responds by telling her that he would “move to Kansas for her.” They have known each other for a week. If this were a real job they wouldn’t have even received their first paycheck yet – their paperwork probably wouldn’t even be processed. And Kansas? Are you crazy Nathan? (Yes) Here’s a list of reasons I would move to Kansas:

1) Nuclear catastrophe renders it the last habitable place on earth

2) I was diagnosed with a rare kind of cancer that necessitated a diet of exclusively raw corn

3) I knew Nathan and moving to Kansas was the only way to get away from him.

Shelby is understandably concerned by this declaration of undying love, and points out that she’s concerned because she needs space, and Nathan gives about as much space as an intestinal parasite. He tries to fight the accusation, shouting, “I’m not gonna fucking smother you,” before transitioning to the almost wholly unrelated point, “I’ve been with girls that were the hottest girls around since I was 13 years old, sorry not sorry.” He’s trying to make the point that he adjusts to whatever a girl wants from him, and will do the same for Shelby. When she says that isn’t what she wants he says that he’ll never talk to her again and he doesn’t need her in his life. As she walks away he feebly shouts at her to stay. His face and stupid hat make me feel ill.

Look at Garland, stealing all those hearts.

Look at Garland, stealing all those hearts.

Enough about the relationships though, lets talk about this week’s getaway challenge: Licktionary. In this game the men spin a wheel of various foodstuffs, ranging from “peanut butter” to “sardine paste,” then they are given something to draw, and they have to paint the object with their tongue in the food stuff. The girls job is to guess what their partner is drawing as quickly as they can.

It’s a pretty boring challenge so I won’t bog you down with the details. The three couples that win are John & Christina, Brandon & Alex, and Layton & Ashley. John & Christina are dreading having Brandon on the date, as it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that he’s going to make things awkward for Christina.

There’s a big hubaloo when the house discovers that Ashley is a virgin, and the men seem split between those who think this is a turn-on and those who think it’s a turn-off. I will never understand men who are super into virgins, especially when they aren’t virgins themselves. Layton seems particularly gung-ho about the idea, presumably because sleeping with a virgin would be his biggest accomplishment since making it onto Rebel Special Teams (which seriously is like the only shirt he ever fucking wears.)

How the puny have fallen

How the puny have fallen

But let’s not forget that this episode is about Crazy Nathan. He gives us a great drunk confessional where he posits, his voice quaking with emotion, that “Y’all don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Until it’s taken away from you. You don’t know.” This leads him to confront Shelby, trap her against a wall, and demand that they work it out. Shelby tries to be reasonable, but reasoning with Nathan is impossible because he just says whatever he thinks you want to hear, gets frustrated if you tell him that he guessed wrong, and then tells you that he “doesn’t need this.” Shelby finally lays it out for him and points out that “other guys don’t care to talk to me when you’re like on my fucking nuts 24/7” Dario notices the commotion and eventually comes over to make sure everything is okay, he walks away when Shelby tells him too but scores big points with her. Finally Nathan retreats to a room where a begrudging Pratt tries to convince him to stop crying. In yet another cut of the drunk Nathan confessional we see him break down and through his sobs say, “I miss you more than anything.”

It’s been a week. I know I already said that, but I just think that it should be repeated. Maybe if someone said it more to Nathan this wouldn’t be happening, but lets be honest it probably wouldn’t matter.

The date gives us a glimpse into the three couples, none of whom seem to be a particularly likely match. John & Christina hit it off enough to make out a little bit, but Christina is so positive and eager to find her match that she could have a good first date with just about anyone. Layton thinks it’s hot that Ashley is a virgin, but I feel like she is way too smart for him, and Alex isn’t attracted to Brandon because he’s a little bitch boy.

When they get back to the house we’re greeted to our usual pre-truth booth drama. Brandon lets the house know that nothing will ever change the way he feels about Christina and that he’s going to continue to pursue her (leading to a chorus of groans). This kind of shit is exactly the reason that the house voted him and Alex into the truth booth, just hoping against hope that they might be able to send him home. Luckily for Alex she and Brandon are revealed to not be a perfect match. 0/3 guys. You should really consider throwing some challenges to get good couples in the truth booth.

Spielberg directed this episode.

Spielberg directed this episode.

After the truth booth Brandon and Christina privately confess their affection for each other, leading me to develop a rage ulcer. Meanwhile Layton starts breaking down the best way to attract women, which is by ignoring them and not giving a fuck about them. Jenni overhears this, further pushing her into Anthony’s arms (in this case, literally).

Brandon eventually talks Christina into the bedroom, but they’re interrupted by John before anything can happen. John just makes light of the whole situation, but does manage to derail the bone train. Since pretty much everyone in the house is on Team “Fuck Brandon” they all support this cock blocking decision, and Brandon is left to nurse his tender blue balls.

And then it’s MATCHUP TIME. The full ten matches are as follows:

John & Christina. Ryan Devlin takes the opportunity to address Christina & Brandon’s ongoing romance, Brandon says that he “can’t fight the feeling” and that there’s “nothing he can do about it.” You can see thousands of Curtis’ brain cells commit suicide in protest.

This is how Brandon's words make me feel

This is how Brandon’s words make me feel

Curtis & Brianna. Duh.

Nathan & Jessica Shelby was terrified that Nathan was still going to pick her, but at the last second he picks Jessica, who is pissed about it.

Brandon & Shelby. Brandon fucks it up for Dario and picks Shelby, but not before he says that John isn’t a threat because he “asked to kiss a girl.” John responds with “there’s a difference between being a pussy and being a gentleman” and the whole male half of the house hoots like the comeback was delivered by Winston Churchill himself. I cannot blame them — I would also be screaming because fuck Brandon.

Dario & Ashley. Because what’s he gonna do now that Shelby is taken?

Pratt & Paris. Of course.

Garland & Alex. Maybe? Who the fuck are these people?

Alex & Jasmine. On the theory that opposites attract.

Anthony & Jenni. Makes sense

Layton & Ellie. Because no one loves Tyler, not ever.

The end result is 3/10 matches, their best week so far, but nothing to write home about. These guys need a perfect match and soon – but in the chaos it seems unlikely that they’ll be able to make any major gains in the near future. Regardless of whether they win the money or not it’s going to be a hell of a good time to watch them try. If you haven’t seen the full episode yet you can watch it here.