Are You The One Season 2 Episode 2 Recap

October 16, 2014 / by / 0 Comment

Two out of ten matches at the end of the first episode. It’s a familiar sight, as it was the exact same number of perfect matches that the cast got on their first match-up last season. However, this wasn’t much comfort to our intrepid lovebirds who returned to the house with low spirits. Normally the remedy for this would be regular spirits, but the house actually seems too perturbed to drink. Instead they dive into small conferences trying to determine who they think is a perfect match. Ellie and several other girls express their certainty that Brianna and Curtis are a match, despite the fact that it has been less than a week.

Meanwhile the heavily tattooed Nathan has decided, pretty much on his own, that Shelby is his perfect match. She’s perfectly nice and receptive, but is bright enough to know that she probably shouldn’t commit herself mind, body, and soul to a person that she just met. Nathan’s attempts to “cuff” her are serving only to drive Shelby away, leaving the door open for Dario, who thinks Shelby is the hottest girl in the house, to swoop in.

"I love it when you dress sexy and wear the inner tube."

“I love it when you dress sexy and wear the inner tube.”

The most nauseating relationship in the house is Brandon and Christina, who appear to spend all their free time frolicking in a pool together and marveling at every single fucking thing they find out about each other. Brandon is like, “fascinated” (Brandon’s fancy term for getting a boner) by everything he hears about Christina. The two celebrate the 2/10 matches by boinking, which serves as an ideal opportunity for Brandon to tell Christina that he wants to “kiss [her] body like everywhere.” I’m really railing on Brandon here, because I have this unshakable feeling that he’s a fourteen year old trapped in a man’s body, but it’s worth noting that Christina is buying into the whole thing too, saying that Brandon is the “yin to my yang.” She’s so deep.

But the real headline this week has to do with the challenge – specifically the fact that it has no groan-inducing name. Now, I know that I complain about the challenge names every week, but its absence left me feeling… empty. The dependable irritation provided by the challenge name was always part of my AYTO experience. As an objective party, I am very pleased there was no name, but if I’m being honest with myself, I think it’s a tragedy.

The actual substance of the challenge will be familiar to those of you who watched the last season. There’s a board with all eleven girls faces on it, and there’s a series of eleven hearts that have anonymous, embarrassing quotes from the girls buried inside them. The boys’ job is match each quote to a girl in the house. The three top boys get to bring a girl of their choice on this week’s getaway date, while the girls just get to sit and watch.

Ellie is particularly pleased that she doesn’t have to participate, providing us with the piercing insight that “at least seven bitches are on their periods.” I don’t know if I like Ellie, but her journalistic contributions are considerable.

Like a sandy, gossip crucible

Like a sandy, gossipy crucible

We don’t get to find out every girls’ quote, but I’ve compiled the seven we do learn below. All of them are pretty embarrassing, except for being turned on by good parallel parking which is totally normal.
“I prefer to be naked until I leave the house.” -Christina

“I know it’s weird, but a good parallel parker really turns me on.” -Jasmine

“I’m a hairy female.” -Tyler

“Sometimes during sex I think about what I want to eat after.” -Brianna

“I shoplifted panties as a dare in high school.” -Paris

“My family’s farts smell deadly, including mine.” -Ashley

“I used to get turned on watching my ex eat fast food.” -Jenni

As the dust settles, our winners are revealed to be Curtis, Alex, and Brandon. Curtis picks Brianna, Alex picks Jasmine, and Brandon picks his one, his only, Christina. They all get to go to La Bestia, the longest zipline in the US.

Back in the house, a heated debate begins over whether Christina should be sent into the truth booth. Tyler — last week’s spinster and the least loved girl in the house — is determined to never send Christina into the truth booth, probably because she has no protection. Christina campaigns against this movement to never put her in the truthbooth, leading to this delightful correspondence.

“I just want girls to stop being catty,” Christina pleads.

“No one’s being catty,” Jasmine responds, extremely cattily.

“You’re taking it PERSONALLY, and that’s why you need to back down,” chimes in Alex, so cattily that it could be effectively shortened to “*meow* *hiss*”.

Unfortunately for Tyler, the boys recognize the tremendous advantage of figuring out Christina’s match, as it removes two girls from the equation instead of one. Backed by girls like Brianna, who feel secure that they will be selected over Christina, the house seems poised to “put their best piece forward” and throw Brandon and Christina into the truth booth.

Adjusting for AYTO affection inflation, this is roughly the equivalent of normal people eye contact

Fig 1.1: Adjusting for AYTO affection inflation, this is roughly the equivalent of normal people making eye contact

After stressful deliberations, the house decides to unwind in their typical, Bacchanalian fashion. During the party, Jess walks up to Layton and tells him flat-out, “you can kiss me.” Layton resists her wily feminine charms, leading Jess to tell Layton that she “fucking hates [him].” He tries to bridge this gap with a hug, which enrages Jenni (she calls it “fooling around”) and causes her to go flirt with Anthony to make him jealous. And speaking of Anthony….

BREAKING GOSSIP: According to a source at Indiana University, Anthony doesn’t BRUSH HIS TEETH. As if being a douchebag weren’t enough, he has to compound it all by practicing poor oral hygiene. For shame Anthony. Clean your chompers.

Tyler then throws herself at Alex, who confides to the camera that Tyler stops being hot the moment she opens her mouth. Upset by the rejection, Tyler retreats to a corner of the house and begins to weep, even though Ellie screams at her to “not get emotional.”

Nathan continues his campaign to lock down Shelby, whispering sweet nothings like, “I love the way you look. You are my cup of tea.” His earnestness is a little off putting, and Dario takes the opportunity to pull her away. Then he tells her that she and Nate are clearly not a match, and that Nate is “hovering over [her].” After a series of labored baseball metaphors, Shelby is impressed and starts to open up to Dario.

The zipline date looks fun as hell, and after the couples receive their adrenaline jolts, they break off to have private conversations. Alex and Jasmine soon discover that they have completely different approaches to life, with Jasmine emphasizing structure and the importance of success in the dental industry (maybe she’s Anthony’s perfect match) and Alex stressing the importance of being free and doing what they want. No sparks. They are very probably not a match.

Zipline date

I don’t have a joke. This just looks really cool.

Brianna reveals to Curtis that she had a miscarriage. He’s extremely reasonable about the whole thing and says that she shouldn’t feel lesser or used because of it, and that he wants her just as badly. It’s a touching moment, although I wonder if Bri has revealed that she wants a kid within the next two years, or at least that’s what her bio says.

Finally, Christina and Brandon drool all over each other. Brandon thinks there is a 100% chance they’re a match, which leads me to believe that he doesn’t know how numbers work.

After the date reveals that the house did the right thing, they vote to send Christina and Brandon into the truth booth. Ryan Devlin is the white devil and tries to stir up trouble, but the house stays strong. Brandon says that whatever the truth booth says, “there’s no way he’s ever going to stop talking to this girl.” His resolve will be tested, as it’s revealed that they’re not a match. Brandon mopes out of the truth room like his entire family was murdered, while Christina prepares to move on — it’s her only way to stay in the game.

Dario's head shot

Dario’s head shot

John, breaker of women’s faces, continues to be the BEST when he leads a strategy session for the match up ceremony where he advocates keeping all matches the same except for the two strongest from last week — a strategy aimed at getting zero lights and knocking ten matches out of the equation. Everyone needs to be on board though, and Christina and a few emotional hot heads refuse to get with the program. Tyler Pratt perhaps summarizes their reservations best: “to be all numbers is stupid.”

Ellie lets us know that she thinks Dario is the finest in the house, and that she would ride him all night. And then, in her search to compare him to something beautiful, asks for the name of a famous painter, and says that he’s a “Picasso painting.” Points for intention, but I believe this is strong evidence that reality TV is scripted.

It’s on to the match-up ceremony. We finally find out how the match-up picks work when it’s the girls time to choose. Basically every girl picks a guy, and then at the end of the ceremony Christina picks a couple to join. Then, it’s the man’s decision to choose what woman he wants. The unwanted party will be sent to the spinster stage where we can forget about them. The picks are as follows.

Jessica picks Layton (way to fuck up John’s system right off the bat Jess!)

Shelby picks Dario (breaking Nate’s heart)

Paris picks Tyler Pratt

Jasmine picks Garland

Ashley picks John

Alex picks Anthony

Tyler picks Brandon (Okay, first off Brandon doesn’t even react when his name is first called, because his broken heart has apparently rendered him partially catatonic. And then once he’s called up he announces his intention to continue to pursue Christina because he is the fucking worst.)

Ellie picks Alex, but Alex drops Ellie for Christina. Ice cold Alex.

Jenni picks Nathan

Brianna picks Curtis

It’s a pretty different crew from last week – but they yield the exact same result, only 2/10 matches. The two strongest couples, Paris and Pratt and Brianna and Curtis have been together both weeks. Maybe they’re the only two couples they have correct? Or maybe its someone we’d never guess (my money is on Ashley and John). In any case, the house is no closer to their million dollars. Look forward to the eminent meltdowns next week.