Are You The One Season 2 Episode 1 Recap

October 07, 2014 / by / 23 Comments

The long wait is over. MTV’s Are You the One? has returned and forced me to reassume my journalistic responsibilities. I’ll admit that I was initially skeptical of MTV recreating the magic of their first season, as the first group of participants were such a beautiful trainwreck that I assumed they must be unique. For all the shit I talked about them (tens of thousands of words worth), I thought they were, well, special. After watching the first episode of season 2 I can assure you that is not the case – if anything, MTV seems to have found an even less sensible group of orgy participants.

But seriously, if you liked the first season, it looks like you’re going to like the second. They’ve changed almost nothing. Hell, the show even opens in the exact same way as the first season; with a meltdown montage that gives a glimpse of the weeping, drunken arguments that lie ahead for loyal viewers. If that didn’t produce enough déjà vu, wait until Ryan Devlin delivers the exact same speech at the beginning of the show (and yes, everything he says is still cringe-inducing.)

The only real modification to the established formula is that this season has an uneven number of men and women. There are still ten men, but as Ryan Devlin says, “for one lucky guy our compatibility testing found not one, but two perfect matches.” The 11th girl is named Christiana and she earns the vitriol of the girls in the house the moment she is introduced. There’s an immediate outpouring of the sentiment, “she can’t take MY man, whoever that may be.” These people don’t even know each other’s names yet and they’re already possessive of each other.

Well, at least the women are possessive of the men. All the men seemed so excited at the prospect of being able to sleep with TWO women that their response was basically to get a collective boner and high five each other. My friend pointed out that they could really simplify the game if everyone just agreed to ignore Christiana, but the truth is that these people are way too horny to allow that to happen.

And then it’s into the house and immediately to drinking. We start to get our first indicators of the player’s personalities when Brandon declares that “on a scale of 1-10, I’m a 1022.” Shortly thereafter Brianna declares that “you’ve never met anyone like me.” Despite their shared arrogance, they do not seem to hit it off.

Good thinking. This might be a sex-starved environment.

Good thinking. This might be a sex-starved environment.

We also get a nice breakaway shot to Ellie, a southern girl who speaks with an accent so heavy that the word “dildo” gets distorted into something twice as long and half as intelligible. She proudly waves the instrument around – a grim portent of things to come.

But pretty soon the women are back to bitching about Christiana, who indulges in all the attention. “Seeing all these beautiful women threatened by me, makes me feel like… *strokes her hair.*” The women seem almost as determined to make her an outcast as the men are determined to put their penis in her.

Then we get a glimpse of the relationships that are starting to go well. Paris and Tyler Pratt bond over stupid jokes, while Brianna and Curtis sit on a back porch and agree with everything the other says. Brianna declares him “everything she wants in a person.” It has been less than 8 hours.

A sacrifice of blood and bone to please the viewers.

A sacrifice of blood and bone to please the viewers.

We then learn the hazards of living in an orgy pad. This group of people has not yet gotten to the point where they would separate the pile of mattresses that has been provided for them to sleep on, and as a result John knees Brianna in the face as he gets up to leave. There is blood everywhere. It’s like a slasher movie. John fears he might have “taken this girl out of the game.” It’s television gold. I love it. I love reality TV. I hate myself. MTV is my guiding light.

Christiana reveals herself to be a walking stereotype when she talks about how she got a tattoo to commemorate how her dad was never around, and immediately declares herself a match with Brandon when she discovers they have the same tattoo. Anthony and Jessica start making out and, as he says it, “if she wants to have sex with me, who am I to say no?” They have quiet sex in a corner of the orgy bed and then Anthony jogs away and sleeps on the couch. Jessica cries the next morning and everyone assures her that casual sex is pretty much par for the course. Then it’s on to the challenge.

The first three times I tried to screenshot this it was visible tongue wrestling. Ah, true love.

The first three times I tried to screenshot this it was visible tongue wrestling. Ah, true love.

This week’s challenge is called “gotta get that box,” and I have two theories for why this might be the case:

  • Ryan Devlin hates us and doesn’t want us to be happy.
  • MTV handed off the responsibility of naming the challenges to an intern that happens to be a chimpanzee.

In either case, the challenge exactly what it promises to be – a race to open a locked box. The twist is that the keys are frozen in a block of ice, which the contestants will have to melt in order to access. While the challenge leads to plenty of people gyrating their bodies suggestively on blocks of ice, it delivers little in the way of excitement or surprises. Ellie continues her streak of crudeness when she announces, “I’m going to do whatever I have to do to get this bitch. That’s why I’ll use my vagina heat. Because vaginas are pretty hot down there, you know?” The strategy doesn’t pay off. Most of the successful teams use their elbows to break through and grab the key.

"It's gonna get cold. My nipples are going to get hard." -Paris

“It’s gonna get cold. My nipples are going to get hard.” -Paris

Since the Challenge was pretty boring I’m going to just skip ahead and give you the winners in the order they finished:

1st place – Layton and Alex

2nd place – Brandon and Jessica

3rd place – Paris and Tyler Pratt

They’re rewarded with a private plane ride to a private and beautiful beach, and the losers are left with the decision of who to send into the truth booth. It should be a fairly easy choice, as Brandon and Jessica have no feelings for each other what so ever, and Layton and Alex don’t seem to have a particularly strong connection. However, Paris is afraid that Tyler might be her perfect match, and that she might be sent away to the honey moon suite in the first week if she’s voted into the truth booth. To avoid this fate she and Tyler Pratt set about convincing everyone that they hate each other – stating that they got into a huge fight about religion and basically cannot even stand the sight of each other. Once they get drunk they revel in their duplicity in the confession booth, with Tyler Pratt saying that “if you can’t tell I’m crazy about this girl, you’re like the Helen Keller of Are You The One.”

Brianna returns from the hospital with a cut on her fractured nose, but she seems pretty much 100% recovered. God, I hope she’s a match with John.

The date sees a little bit of date trading, with Jessica trying to forge a connection with Layton and Brandon just chilling with Alex, but there aren’t any really big headlines here. Layton figures out that Paris and Tyler Pratt were lying about their fight which gets Jessica all into a tizzy, lamenting that there are already “douchebag people in the house trying to fuck up the game,” but their ruse didn’t fool everyone. A few people still vote for them to head into the truth booth.

Before they reveal the truth booth choice Ryan Devlin explains what happens to the 11th girl if the double matched man finds one of his matches: basically, the other girl gets screwed. She leaves the house immediately and has no chance to win the money. That’ll teach her to be loved next time.

"Fuck you guys. You guys are idiots."

“Fuck you guys. You guys are idiots.”

Ultimately, though, more people were fooled, and after the house chews out Paris and Tyler Pratt for hiding their relationship, it’s revealed that they’ve voted to send Brandon and Jessica into the truth booth. The two visibly dread the prospect of going off to the honey moon suite together, with Brandon telling her that he’s “not into fake boobs.” Luckily for them it’s revealed that they aren’t a match. The house is still 0 for 10.

The matchup ceremony is mostly identical to last season. The only difference is that since there’s one more girl than boy, the girl who isn’t picked doesn’t participate in the matchup ceremony and instead has to go stand on this weird spinster stage. I don’t know why Are You The One hates women so much, but the contestants don’t seem to mind.

The first man called upon to pick his match is the most hotly contested – Layton, who already has both Jenni and Jessica convinced that he’s their match. Jenni seems even crazier than Jessica, basically saying “Jess is really into Layton, but I’m even MORE into Layton and she needs to move on.” I think it’s been two days. In any case Layton eventually picks Jenni, and appears to immediately regret his decision.

The only other interesting part of the matchup ceremony is when Anthony picks Jessica. They both express ambivalence about each other, and make Ryan Devlin cackle with delight at their obvious discomfort. The house makes Jess feel bad about having sex with Anthony even though they told her it wasn’t a big deal, but she handles it with surprising aplomb.

The full ten pairs are below:

Layton and Jenni

Dario and Ashley

Tyler Spinster Stage

Haha no one loves you

Tyler Pratt and Paris

Curtis and Brianna

John and Jasmine

Brandon and Christina

Garland and Alex

Anthony and Jessica

Nathan and Shelby

Alex and Ellie

Tyler gets sent to the spinster stage

The lights ultimately reveal that they only have 2/10 perfect matches, giving us very little useful information and revealing just how far they have to go. As we learn more we’ll post another match chart to help us figure out who is and is not a match, but right now we’re just as in the dark as they are.

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Got an opinion on the episode? Or who might be a match? Let us know in the comments below, and stay tuned to National Ave for more Are You The One coverage than you’ll ever need.