Are You the One? Episode 5 Recap
We are now halfway through the first season of Are You the One? and things are not looking great for our fearless protagonists. 1 Through a combination of bad luck and a shared aversion to logical thinking, the house has so far been unable to lock down any perfect matches, and has never gotten more than four perfect matches in a ceremony. The lack of success is beginning to take a toll on house morale, and the beginning of episode five finds everyone dispirited. “Basically, we sucked ass this week,” is how Jacy puts it. Wes takes a more delicate tact and explains: “We’re not doing what we’re supposed to be doing.” Regardless of the exact wording, everyone in the house realizes that some major changes need to be made.
Of course, the preponderance of alcohol and attractive nearly-naked people in the house serve to make morale fairly resilient, so after a brief pity-pizza-party, people are right back to trying to have sex with each other.
The most obvious figure in this familiar campaign is, unsurprisingly, Adam, who subjects Amber to a full body press while he tries to elicit sex from her DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ETHAN. Amber at least has the good sense to be repulsed by this, telling us in an interview that she “doesn’t know if she’s feeling Adam.” Unfortunately, she immediately undermines this sensible statement by lying to our faces and saying that she had a “really hard time going from boy to boy.” I guess I can’t claim to be inside Amber’s head, but just from a temporal standpoint, it only took her one segment of one episode to drop Ethan and tell Adam she wanted to “jump his bones,” so I don’t know if we can extend her too much emotional credit. But, regardless, this is good for the house; Amber and Ethan need to get back together so they can start locking down these perfect matches.
The next scene focuses on the budding relationship between Dillan and Coleysia. Dillan reveals that he is a born again Christian, which conveniently coincides with the fact that Coleysia considers herself very religious and has a father who is a pastor. This is exactly the kind of information that probably figures super heavily into calculating peoples compatibility, so Dillan’s religious reveal might just mean we have another perfect match on our hands. They share a nice moment where they both reflect on how long it’s been since they’ve had sex. Coleysia admits that she has a vibrator, but that she “doesn’t use it as much anymore.” I know my recaps usually have a sadistic slant, but this was really a pretty nice moment – even with Coleysia talking about sex toys.
The episode continues to move at a breakneck speed and we’re greeted to a segment of the boys in the house working out. The scene really just serves to highlight Kayla’s love triangle with Wes and Ryan, who are revealed to be complete opposites when it comes to maintaining their TV bods. Wes is lifting weights, grunting, sweating, and generally just being a beacon of testosterone. Conversely, Ryan is working out by stretching on a yoga mat. Kayla calls him “sensitive,” in the same way you call boring people “nice.” This segment sees Wes taking a clear lead over Ryan in the Kaylathlon. Hell, even after Wes catastrophically fumbles a flirtation with Kayla (telling the brown-eyed beauty that her “bright ass BLUE eyes” were the first thing he noticed on the show), Kayla still goes on to pick him as her partner for this week’s challenge.
Speaking of the challenge, it was totally awesome this week. It had contestants rappelling down the side of a waterfall. As pairs moved down the cliff face, they would periodically have to stop and grab tags. The potential problem lies in the fact that they have to grab a tag of the same color at each stop. Honestly, the communication part of this problem wasn’t a huge component, but it was fun just to watch the contestants be physically tested against a waterfall.
-Ethan and Shanley shoot down the thing faster than anybody, finishing the challenge in 51 seconds. I like them both and this was cool to see. Too bad we already know they aren’t a perfect match.
-Brittany proves herself to be useless as well as crazy in this challenge, demonstrating a remarkable aptitude for falling down, but little skill at anything else. She basically makes the entire descent with her body sideways, and is pummeled by the waterfall. Her final time of 4:48 represents the inevitability of gravity more than it speaks to any kind of motor control.
Ultimately, our four victors are: Ethan and Shanley, Dre and Ashleigh, John and Jacy, and Coleysia and Dillan. Their date is a kayaking trip down a river featured in Jurassic Park. Kickass. The host also tells the cast that they will be able to send TWO couples to the truth booth this week. 2 Double kickass.
After the challenge, our heroes go back to the house to unwind. Tired of the regular binge drinking, the cast decides to come together and turn the house into a club for the night. I don’t know how much MTV helped them, but it looks pretty fun. Nothing noteworthy happens during the first portion of the night, aside from a (un)shocking display of misogyny from Dre (fig 1.1). Wes also deepens his connection with Kayla, who calls him “the most realist guy in the house.” Still, Kayla immediately goes off and engages in some genital-to-genital contact on the dance floor (fig 1.2).
And then, my friends, we are greeted to the main event of the evening: a complete and total meltdown involving John and Simone that rivals Chernobyl in its scope. The whole thing starts when Simone loudly declares she wants John out of the house while she’s sitting five feet away from him. Since shying away from conflict would break the Bushido-esque honor code of reality TV contestants, John immediately gets into it with Simone. The whole argument rapidly spirals out of control, with Simone telling John that Jacy doesn’t like him, and then calling over a drunk and completely guileless Jacy to corroborate her story. Honestly, Simone makes some pretty good points, but she’s such a psycho that it’s hard to take her seriously.
After Jacy recovers from the initial shock of accelerating from “being quietly drunk” to “being involved in the verbal equivalent of a Rambo movie,” she begins shouting her own agenda at John. Now, I hate John as much as the next person, but he is absolutely hounded by screaming women in this scene. He walks away, and Jacy strolls off to fight a more “private” duel with Simone.
Fortunately, their private battle doesn’t last long, as John reintroduces himself to the scene with a stack of bills in hand, and proceeds to “make it rain” all over the arguing women. It’s an inexplicable action, and it drives Simone into a frothing-at-the-mouth style rage.
What follows is some of the greatest reality television I have ever seen in my entire life. Simone melts into an inconsolable state. Still, John makes an intense effort at reconciliation, tightly holding a sobbing Simone while he insists that he cares about her, and offers the incredibly meta explanation that he threw money over her in order to make the fight look stupid. It looks like he might actually be calming her down, and then without warning, Ashleigh shows up while doing her best impression of a weeping ghost, demanding to know “why [John] would do that to her?” (fig 1.3) This is all too much for John, who proceeds to chuck a glass at the window, tear his shirt off, and storm out of the house. Jesus Christ. If you haven’t watched it, watch it. If you have watched it, watch it again.
Fast forward to the date the next day. John is too hung over to attend, so Jacy is paddling down the river alone. The other couples have a nice time, but only one important thing happens. Shanley tells Ethan that Amber took his lack of possessiveness as a lack of interest. This is awesome news for Ethan, who decides that he’s going to pick Amber in this week’s matchup. Yay for love.
After that, it’s on to the double truth booth. First up on the chopping block are Dre and Ashleigh, who go into the truth booth with reasonably high spirits. Unfortunately, their romance is not to be, and they are declared not a match. With the fifth consecutive failed truth booth, you can feel the house start to give into despair. Shots of Chris T. and Shanley remind us of the destructive power of the truth booth – a mathematical instrument that rules the cast of the show like a merciless pagan god, using veiled analytics to determine the fates of mere mortals.
Next up are Dillan and Coleysia, and low and behold, they are a perfect match. The house explodes into celebration. I believe I am equally pleased, as the National Ave Are You the One? grid just grew much more useful. The only person who seems ambivalent about the match is Dillan, who I think liked Jessica more than Coleysia. His feelings are largely irrelevant, for MTV producers have already decided his fate: off to the honeymoon suite with Coleysia.
Our pre-matchup ceremony drama focuses on Scali and Paige. After a brief shot where we see Scali telling Paige that he wants to “fuck her,” Paige opens up a little bit and tells us that she’s not so sure Scali is her perfect match. When she tells Scali to be prepared to explore other options, he reverts to his typical attitude and declares, “If she thinks she’s better at playing games than me, she is sadly mistaken.” Unfortunately for him, this is followed by a sound bite of Paige saying, “I don’t like to play games, I think it’s immature.” Consulting our logic grid, we now know that Scali and Paige are not a match. Good instincts Paige.
The matchup ceremony opens up on the right foot when Ethan picks Amber, so we know that we have one perfect match right out of the gate. The full ten matchups for this week are as follows:
-Ethan and Amber
-Joey and Jess
-John and Jacy
-Scali and Simone
-Adam and Shanley (Chris T. in pain)
-Chris T. and Paige (Shanley in pain)
-Dre and Brittany (Dre takes one for the team, and tells everyone that’s what he’s doing)
-Ryan and Ashleigh
In the big reveal we find out that the house has five out of ten perfect matches correct. Wow. Our grid has become so useful. For a full recap of what we know, visit the grid, but for the more casual followers here are the three perfect matches we KNOW for sure:
3 PERFECT MATCHES:
-Dillan and Coleysia
-Ethan and Amber
-Joey and Brittany
The house finally has some traction, and might be able to make some progress in the coming episode. Regardless of how well they play the game, we can rest knowing that the next episode will be entertaining as hell. If you haven’t seen the episode yet, you can watch it here.
-Dre asking Ashleigh if they can “do it,” only to have Ashleigh respond with, “Can you hold me first? This bitch needs some hugging.” Then they proceeded to have sex on camera.
-Dillan’s hesitance about going off with the jubilant Coleysia
-Wow. The John and Simone meltdown will go down in history as reality show gold.