Are You the One? Episode 3 Recap

February 06, 2014 / by / 2 Comments

Solidly Entertaining

The house took a step backwards in this eclectic episode


Pictured: A woman on a quest for true love

Pictured: A woman on a quest for true love

This episode of Are You the One? opened up with a skinny-dipping scene, just in case there was any doubt about what kind of carnal soul-mate search this is. However, the scene did serve a useful function as it led to the revelation that Dre has a monster dong. So expect to see his stock rising in all the major trade publications.

Brittany continued to be completely obsessed with Adam, even going as far as to be the first person on the show to try and do some math. After making a chart of dubious mathematical quality, Brittany declares, “I believe Adam and I are the number one contender.” Adam continues to insist that he’s really not sure he’s a match with Brittany to anyone who will listen.

They then moved on to this week’s challenge, which I loved because it was a social challenge based on making assumptions about the girls in the house! Basically, they had a pool that was full of coconuts with the girls names on them. The host would reveal a quote from one of the women in the house, and the men would try to select the right coconut for that quote. Scali just dominates the competition, telling us he’s “from the street” so he “knows how to read people.” The competition is pretty uneventful except for when the host introduces the quote, “I have stalked someone before,” and Adam immediately identifies it as Brittany, AKA the girl he’s been hooking up with. He does this smiling, in front of everyone. Brittany does not seem to notice. For your perusing pleasure, I’ve included the full list of quotes (and which girl said them) below.

1) “I have tazed an ex before.”-Jacy

2) “I’m notorious for hooking up with people’s brothers.” -Shanley

3) “I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in ghosts and spirits.” -Brittany

4) “My favorite sexual position is doggy-style because in my head its helping my butt get bigger.” -Simone

5) “I have stalked someone, but I considered it recon.” -Coleysia (Adam guessed Brittany)

6) “I backstabbed an ex by immediately hooking up with an NBA player.” -Kayla

7)“I don’t have a greatest life failure, because I’ve simply never failed.” -Paige

8) “The most unusual place I’ve had sex was in a National Park bathroom during the intermission of my ballet recital.”-Amber

9) “The worst date I have ever been on was to Denny’s, and to top it off, my date forgot his wallet.” -Ashleigh

10) “I have peed on someone in the shower before.” -Jessica

The reveal was more interesting than the actual challenge, with Coleysia offering a cringe-worthy defense of her stalking, and Jessica threatening to “pee on all y’all.” Scali wins the challenge with six coconuts, and Dre and John finish far behind him. However, all three of them still get to go on a date. Scali picks Kayla as his date, Kayla picks Paige to go with Dre, and Paige selects Simone to accompany John. Overall, not great picks for the house, especially because Scali only picks Kayla in order to make Paige jealous. Its a weird manipulative tactic to take in a game where you’re just trying to find someone you’re compatible with, but I have to admit, when Scali commits to “mind-fucking” (his words) a girl, he goes all the way.

"Tyler Perry presents shots!"

“Tyler Perry presents shots!”

Despite being set up to go on a date with Simone, and having prior ties to her, John starts being weird around the house with Jacy. Somehow this scene rapidly devolves to the point where John is wearing a dress and a sun-hat, waving a bottle of vodka around, and screeching “Tyler Perry presents shots!” I want him off the show ASAP, so I hope he finds his perfect match soon. It would almost be an inadvertently sweet wish if I wasn’t sure that he is destined to be with someone wretched.

Somehow, this works.

Somehow, this works.

The date was really just a stage for Scali to fuck with Paige more, as he commits himself to making her best friend Kayla “melt in front of her.” He ultimately gets all touchy-feely with Kayla, which really pisses Paige off. This all builds to a confrontation in the kitchen where Scali interrupts Paige with a kiss while she SCREAMS at him, and then walks away. Paige, because she has been “mind-fucked” (my words) follows him upstairs and they commit to focus exclusively on each other. Well-played Scali.

The house voted to send John and Simone to the truth booth, which seems like its gonna be awesome. It almost immediately leads to a fight between Simone and Jacy. Simone wastes no time getting racial and threatens to beat the shit out of her “horse-looking-Mexican-ass.” Unfortunately Chris T. and Ethan intervene before we can be treated to a throwdown between these two psycho women.

MTV using their sci-fi technology to scan the "love-DNA" of their contestants. Or something.

MTV using their sci-fi technology to scan the “love-DNA” of their contestants. Or something.

As John and Simone walk towards the weird white-plastic-pod that looks like part of a budget sci-fi movie (aka The Truth Booth), I find myself rooting so hard for them to be a perfect match. I don’t really like either of them, I want them off the main show, and I’d love to see how they cope together living alone in a honey-moon suite. Unfortunately, my dreams are just not to be. They are not a perfect match, meaning that this is the third consecutive wasted truth booth.

John is thrilled that he and Simone are not a match, and does a poor job of hiding it as Simone internalizes the news, returns to the house, and begins to weep. Personally, I think she really lucked out by not being with John. Although I will admit that he does have some funny moments, like when, upon returning to the house, he responds to the statements, “We can’t drink, we have nothing to celebrate,” with, “that’s okay, we can just drink for fun.”

Finally, Adam and Brittany offer the biggest laugh of the episode when they almost spontaneously decide to, in Brittany’s words, “smash it out.” Adam described the sex as “animalistic” and we’re even treated to a fairly disturbing shot of the hallway outside their bedroom, from which we can hear Adam shouting, “Who’s a boss now?!” Immediately after he finishes having sex with Brittany, Adam sprints naked out of her room to an unknown destination. Brittany does not seem that perturbed that after a man finished having sex with her, he reacted as if she had just turned into a puddle of radioactive sludge.

Finally, we have the match ceremony. There aren’t too many surprises here, aside from John betraying Jacy and opting to go with Jessica instead (presumably because he was intrigued upon finding out that she’d be willing to pee on him). The ten final match ups are shown below.

Episode 3 Match-Ups:

Dylan & Colyesia*

John & Jessica

Ryan & Kayla*

Ethan & Amber

Dre & Ashleigh*

Chris T. & Simone

Adam & Brittany*

Chris S. & Paige

Joey & Shanley

Wes & Jacy

(Note: Matchups marked with a * are repeated match-ups, bolded match-ups are perfect matches)

It’s revealed that the house has moved backwards and only has two perfect matches out of their ten. We know one of them is Ethan and Amber because of an MTV twitter promotion. I’m hoping the other perfect match is Adam and Brittany because I do like watching her craziness amplified and reflected by his incredible non-sexual apathy towards her.

This is a show that I expect to only get more entertaining with each episode, so if you haven’t already, now is a great time to start watching. You can watch full episodes here.

Episode Highlights:

-John’s inexplicable trail of broken hearts.

-Scali’s seduction of Paige was bizarre to watch, the whole thing seems difficult to predict but he has it under control the entire time.

-Adam’s cum-n-go maneuver with Brittany

-The horrendously awkward host making “nut” jokes during the challenge