Upcoming bombshells author J.K. Rowling plans on dropping about the Harry Potter series

The Next 33 Things J.K. Rowling Will Retroactively Change About Harry Potter

December 07, 2015 / by , , , , , , / 0 Comment

Ever since the Harry Potter series concluded in 2007, J.K. Rowling has been dropping revelations about the books, from Dumbledore’s sexuality to Ron’s near death to the correct pronunciation of “Voldemort.” Here are the next 33 bombshells Rowling plans on dropping about Harry Potter:

  • It actually was pronounced “Levio-SAH.”
  • Harry’s given name was Harold Potter. Most people called him Harold. Even his best friends called him Harold. It was just that the narrator always liked calling him Harry.
  • Hermione was a Teen Jeopardy champion during the summer after her third year at Hogwarts.
  • Ollivander was actually a teacup pig wearing rain boots. Not a human.
  • There was another wizarding academy named Featherlean that wasn’t invited to participate in the Tri-Wizard Tournament because the headmaster and Dumbledore had a falling out at Coachella, on top of a number of infractions against the rules governing the Intercollegiate Wizarding Athletic Association.
  • Malfoy had a third nipple.
  • Molly Weasley? Slamming hottie. I mean, a real honest-to-God 10.
  • Pavarti Patel ran a successful parody Twitter account called @justme where she tweeted relatable things for pre-teen girls.
  • Cho Chang is the heiress of a popular Asian food franchise started by her father, Paul Francis.
  • Ollivander is a reformed Neo-Nazi. His story is one of redemption and rebirth.
  • Harry didn’t have Lily’s eyes. Because Lily didn’t have eyes. She was blind. That’s why Voldemort killed her. Because he hates blind people.
  • The hog in Hogwarts is actually a little-known reference to your mother.
  • Albus Dumbledore helped destroy evidence that showed the New England Patriots recorded the Rams’ walkthrough before Super Bowl XXXVI.
  • The Fat Lady wasn’t fat before she went through the enormous burden of childbirth. She was actually quite beautiful before she bore seven children.
  • Lily Potter didn’t shave her armpits. It doesn’t really change the story or anything, she just didn’t believe in that kind of thing.
  • Cornelius Fudge was a major backer of college football’s BCS system.
  • Oliver Wood named his penis *exactly* what you would expect him to.
  • The story of Sirius Black was intended to be an allegory for the racism that plagues criminal justice systems throughout the Western world.
  • Ron and Hermione were both anti-vaxxers. The real reason why Harry didn’t marry Hermione was because he couldn’t get over this.
  • Neville Longbottom didn’t get to fulfill the prophecy because J.K. Rowling thought it would be unfair to make one man the savior of humankind and allow him to go from ugly duckling to resounding hottie.
  • Severus Snape’s name should be pronounced as if it started with 10 S’s. Like a snake. Sssssssssssss.
  • Ron impregnates Moaning Myrtle between books 2 and 3. Nobody is sure how it happened.
  • Hermione led a campaign to stop Muggles from appropriating the term “Abracadabra,” which is a very offensive word in the wizarding world.
  • Shortly after Voldemort’s death, Hogwarts created gender-neutral bathrooms, because it’s 2015.
  • Quidditch was eventually eradicated as a sport, due to the prevalence of cognitive problems suffered by beaters who had taken bludgers to the head.
  • Harry had a classmate in Gryffindor named Skylark McFoggins, who died a tragic death during Harry’s third year when Crookshanks triggered his serious cat allergy. Dumbledore and McGonagall readily helped Harry, Ron and Hermione cover up the death, instead suggesting Skylark’s death was caused by a small outbreak of Avian Flu.
  • Kingsley Shacklebolt’s name was not Kingsley Shacklebolt. How could his name have actually been Kingsley Shacklebolt? Of course it wasn’t Kingsley Shacklebolt. It was Jake Walker.
  • Wizards have time turners but they actively choose not to go back and kill Hitler. This actually isn’t something J.K. Rowling is going to reveal, it’s just true. Think about it.
  • The Hermione character was actually based primarily on Emma Watson, right down to the appearance. J.K. Rowling is just really bad at describing the way people look.
  • Percy Weasley thought that Community was just an ok show.
  • Percy Weasley’s best friend at Hogwarts had a debilitating speech impediment that rendered him unable to pronounce his R’s. JK Rowling chose not to tell this character’s story only because she couldn’t find an appropriate way to write the characters’ pronunciation of “Percy.”
  • The Weasley family was often looked down upon by wizarding families not for their lack of wealth, but simply because they were all pale gingers. The wizarding world was actually surprising progressive in its perceptions of wealth and how it relates to prominence.
  • James Potter’s full name was actually Jameson. He was named after Jenna Jameson.