We Didn’t See That: Rating this year’s Oscar nominees
Every so often Ali reviews a movie she hasn’t actually seen, based solely on comments from Twitter, IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes, etc. This week, she reviews the Oscar Best Picture nominees.
Oscar season is here at last, and you know what that means: continued disappointment for Leonardo DiCaprio! But it also means a plethora of historical dramas, gay-friendly films, Meryl Streep, and inspirational sports pictures. In other words, a 4-month long snooze fest. Why would anyone want to go see a movie that is beautiful and heartwarming when you could watch Michael Bay blow up piles of money? I know you didn’t make it to see any of these major yawns this year, so allow me to give you the highlights.
American Sniper: Four-time Oscar nominee Bradley Cooper (previously nominated for I Want to Marry Ryan Banks, All About Steve, He’s Just Not That Into You, and a 1999 episode of Sex and the City) stars in Clint Eastwood’s latest movie about guns, American Sniper. Cooper gives the performance of a lifetime as a man with a gun who is pro-USA, pro-guns, and anti-bad guys with guns. This movie will almost definitely win best picture because America is good and bad guys are bad.
Rating: 50 out of 50 stars on the American flag
Birdman (or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance): Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! I mean Batman, Batman, Batman! Birdman, Birdman, Birdman? (This is a funny joke because Michael Keaton often stars in single-titled films beginning with the letter “B.”) This movie is, as far as I can tell, an extended version of the opening steadicam-shot scene from Boogie Nights, with Keaton playing the role of Marky Mark and birds (?) playing the role of drugs and porn. A feel good movie for the whole family!
Rating: Better, best, boyish, brown, bloody, brash, Bono. (B+)
Boyhood: It took Richard Linklater almost 20 years to complete the Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight trilogy, so it’s not surprising that the film Boyhood took 12 years itself. As a self-diagnosed sufferer of ADD myself, I get it– finishing tasks in a timely manner is pretty dang hard! The only descriptions I can find online for this film are “ambitious,” “innovative,” and “ambitious”– not so much “amazing plot” or “thing happens.”
Rating: 12 out of 12 stars. Did I say stars? I meant years. 12. Long. Years.
The Grand Budapest Hotel: Not to be confused with The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (which I did) or The Hundred-Foot Journey (do not know or care if this is about a hotel). Wes Anderson wrote and directed this colorful, well-centered romp, so you’ll know exactly what to expect. Bill Murray? Check. Foxes? Maybe. Mustaches? Probably, whatever.
Rating: 1 out of 2 Wilson brothers
The Imitation Game: Benedict Cumberbatch, Britain’s foremost panty dropper, joins Keira Knightley, professional period piece actress, for this gay-friendly (1) historical drama (2). Cumbersnatch portrays Alan Turing, a homosexual dude who was tasked with inventing a computer to defeat the Nazis so that we could one day have Sherlock. Thank you, Alan Turing. (P.S. Knightley was in Bend It Like Beckham, so that makes (3).)
Rating: 3 out of 4 of the “Best Picture” criteria
Selma: What do you mean you didn’t see Selma, you racist piece of shit?!
Rating: The Oprah Seal of Approval
The Theory of Everything: As one of two films about black holes released in 2014, The Theory of Everything gains the edge by including exactly zero shots of Matthew McConaughey crying. (It does, however, include costumes recycled from Austin Powers– yikes.) Stephen Hawking’s arduous battle with ALS and indispensible contributions to the scientific community are greatly diminished so that audiences can enjoy a darling love story without actually learning too much. Insider tip: you don’t need to see both The Theory of Everything and The Imitation Game — one will more than suffice.
Rating: Groovy, baby!
Whiplash: In the mood to cringe, gasp, and feel inadequate in every aspect of your life? Then this is the movie for you! Whiplash, starring the highly underrated J.K. Simmons (no joke here, he’s quite talented) and a good-looking kid who was probably in The Maze Runner, tells the tale of a young lad’s quest to be the best drummer since Animal from the Muppets. Does Simmons take a page from Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society and encourage him, or crush his spirit like Matilda’s Trunchbull? Without actually seeing it I can’t be sure, but the film is called WHIPlash- something rarely associated with happiness.
Rating: 4 out of 4 stars- this film looks great and I legitimately am looking forward to seeing it. Sorry for having real normal human thoughts, whoops!