Ali reviews Guardians of the Galaxy, without actually having seen the movie.

We Didn’t See That: Guardians of the Galaxy

August 06, 2014 / by / 11 Comments

Every so often Ali reviews a movie she hasn’t actually seen, based solely on comments  from Twitter, IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes, etc. This week, she reviews Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy.

It’s been called the “movie of the summer,” “good but no Star Wars,” and “Fantastic Movie GOLD!!” by some unimportant people online. And then there’s this:

But what the hell is this movie? My best guess is America’s Next Top Model (which I have seen a lot of) meets a sexier version of Star Wars (which I have never seen because I am a good Catholic). I mean, clearly, GALAXY indicates space, which is where the stars live. Also, all over the internet people are raving about the amazing wardrobe choices, and who knows fashion better than my girl Tyra? Definitely a sexy high fashion space opera.

The movie stars Burt Macklin, the love interest from Drumline, and a raccoon. Wait I mean Chris Pratt (who is apparently hot now), Zoe Saldana, and a raccoon. There’s also something called a ‘groot,’ but that’s probably the name of the teenage mutant ninja raccoon I bet. Rounding out the cast are Kevin Bacon (maybe?), and probably Leonardo DiCaprio because he’s in everything. The director is James Gunn, who is probably best known for being married to Pam from The Office and directing both live action Scooby Doo movies (now those I’ve seen). But probably the most significant member of the team is Nicole Perlman, Marvel’s first female screenwriter; I guess all of those #YesAllWomen tweets solved feminism once and for all! We did it guys!

Other important things to note: the soundtrack. From what I have surmised, it’s all 70s songs that 90s kids are pretending to recognize. Oh, and Kevin Bacon! Maybe that’s where I heard his name. Is Kevin Bacon still making music? Is he still alive? Huh. Will research.

If you decide to see this movie, STAY THROUGH THE CREDITS! I hear they’re sensational. You can’t miss out on the chance to see who was the 3rd AD or the underwater gaffer, now can you?! But don’t take my word for it, check it out for yourself. And be sure to continue posting your opinions online so I can keep my job!

Rating: 4 out of 4 Stars (3 1/2 if Kevin Bacon is dead)