2008 in Music: A Power Hour Review
Each week for the next 10 weeks, we will be doing a power hour while listening to one minute of the top 60 songs of the each of the last ten years. Don’t ask us why, it just felt like it was really important that we do this. Next up: 2008.
At first, I was sooo jazzed to tackle the sickest beats of 2008; this was the year that I celebrated my golden birthday, got my first car, and had my first good hair day in 3 years. I remembered it as a carefree, blissful time- that was, until just now when I sat down and thoroughly revisited it. Maybe this is the beer talking, but this was a weak ass year for music. Seriously, what happened? Who the hell is Webbie? Why do the Pussycat Dolls think that they’re not yet grown up? Why did we allow Chris Brown to chart four times in the top 60?!
I suggest that you pour yourself a strong drink before continuing on; it’s gonna be a rough ride.
The major players of 2008 can be broken down into 3 basic categories:
- A) R&B one (or two) hit wonders who we quickly forgot about (Ray J)
- B) Bland bands who I couldn’t name the lead singer of (Secondhand Serenade)
- C) Soulful, girl-power type women who we quickly forgot about (Leona Lewis)
I know. Take a shot. Ready?
It starts off decently, with the Flo-Rida modern classic “Low,” but unfortunately 60 seconds barely gave me enough time to shake my groove thang before the playlist transitioned into some Leona Lewis (who?) bullshit song about a breakup or a cardiovascular surgery gone wrong or something. Once I made it through that, I was at least rewarded with some Alicia Keys, but it wasn’t “Fallin” so really what’s the point. Coming in at number 4 was Weezy’s instructional blow job anthem, “Lollipop,” followed by some random love songs that you probably forgot about. But the most notable aspect of the top 10? CHRIS BROWN APPEARS 3 GD TIMES.
THREE. GODDAMN. TIMES.
Now I acknowledge that this was before we knew that he was a woman-beating sack of dog feces, but still. Three times?! 3 Chris Browns + 0 Beyoncés = a dark, dark time in musical history.
50 more to go, go get a refill! Maybe make it a double.
Moving on, we’ve got a few catchy tunes to remember that we once enjoyed (“Oh yeah, Katy Perry used to be an alcoholic lesbian!”), some more Chris Brown (ugh), and a fuck ton of Rihanna. (Good for you, girl, show that dick that you will not be intimidated!)
Some vets of the game make an appearance, giving Madonna a chance to feel relevant again and P!nk the opportunity to remind us (yet again) how fucking edgy she is. The Elusive Chanteuse herself even shows up, but I can’t make fun of her because she absolutely terrifies me. (See below)
We’re next treated to the fedorable delight that is Jason Mraz — only to immediately switch to Jesse McCartney. IS THERE NO GOD?! No one interrupts “I’m Yours,” you hear me, McCartney? Go back to pining for Hilary Duff. Unless that’s Aaron Carter (?)…ok then go back to being the poor man’s Aaron Carter. The male singer streak continues plummeting with the vocal stylings (??) of something called a “Kardinal Offishall.” (???)
Remember when Jordin Sparks wasn’t dumb enough to date Jason Derulo and Miley Cyrus hadn’t yet discovered peyote? Pepperidge Farm remembers. And so does 2008. By the way — what ever happened to Miley’s best friend Leslie?!? Did Miley push her out of the picture the same way she did to her brother, Trace Cyrus of Metro Station? We may never know. But probably, yes.
M.I.A. drops the popular “Paper Planes” on us, giving suburban white girls everywhere their first taste of life outside of the bubble. I got distracted by tequila and skipped the next few songs, but pulled it together in time to listen to “A Milli,” which is honestly great and not just because of the line “call me what you want bitch, call me on my Sidekick.”
Take a second and picture Lil Wayne texting on a T-Mobile Sidekick. Do you feel better? Good, good — now chase that happy feeling with some Jägerbombs!
Almost done; sweet freedom is in sight! Due to time constraints (this Starbucks is closing), I will sum up my thoughts on the final few tunes in a few short bullets:
-The PCD album is titled Doll Domination, so there’s that creepy as fuck factoid.
–YOUUUUUUUUUU crank dat Soulja Boy!!!!!! Let’s bring back Soulja Boy. I miss his honest, poetic lyrics.
-Oh fuck, now that “Sweetest Girl” song is gonna be stuck in my head unti— okay “In The Ayer” has definitely cleared that out, thanks Flo-Rida.
-Fuck you John Mayer. No one hurts Taylor Swift.
2008 may not have been the best for music (THANKS OBAMA), but drinking heavily by myself was the best decision I made all day (SILVER LINING)!