Aaron Hernandez Spends Seventh Consecutive Felontine’s Day Alone

February 14, 2014 / by / 9 Comments

BOSTON — Former New England Patriots tight end and accused murderer Aaron Hernandez announced this morning that he would be spending Felontine’s Day alone this year.

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Frustrating in a fun way

Review: The Monuments Men

February 11, 2014 / by / 28 Comments

The story retold in The Monuments Men is a pretty great one. Amidst the greatest war the world has ever seen, a crack team of art enthusiasts goes on a special mission to rescue the most iconic pieces of art in Western history.

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Goodell Asks Secretary If Gay People Can Get Concussions

February 10, 2014 / by / 21 Comments

NEW YORK — Sources report that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell loudly and unapologetically asked his secretary this morning whether gay people were able to get concussions.

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Rowling Admits She Shouldn’t Have Included Magic in Harry Potter

February 05, 2014 / by / 11 Comments

LONDON — J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, admitted in a press conference this morning that she regrets her inclusion of magic in the best-selling novels.

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What’s our story?

February 04, 2014 / by , , / 11 Comments

You don’t often hear people suggest that great things start with two guys drinking Old Style in an empty Chicago bar. In fact, the greatest thing that probably came of such a scenario was Rod Blagojevich’s governorship, and that isn’t even a “Great Wall of China” kind of great, but more of a “Voldemort did great things. Terrible, but great” kind of great.

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The 5 Stages of Grief After Losing The Super Bowl

February 04, 2014 / by / 13 Comments

I am a lifelong Broncos fan. When the Broncos went to Super Bowl XXXII, the 5-year-old piss-ant version of me memorized the Broncos’ entire active roster.

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We Came Up With Rules For Fantasy Olympics So You Don’t Have To

January 31, 2014 / by / 30 Comments

In The Red Fern Grows, a character says, “There’s always someone there to fill the spaces.” At least I think it was The Red Fern Grows. It was definitely one of those books with a dead dog.

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An Open Letter to BWW’s Thai Curry Wings

January 30, 2014 / by / 22 Comments

Esteemed Thai Curry Wings, I’m currently writing you from my lovely porcelain throne, the former crown jewel of my bathroom which is now facing a most terrible onslaught of gastro-intestinal rage.

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The Macklemore Theory

January 29, 2014 / by , / 54 Comments

We used to love Macklemore. Now people aren’t so sure. What happened? And why? The answer, perhaps, can be explained with the Macklemore Theory.

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If Every Famous Photograph Were Taken By HONY

January 29, 2014 / by , / 23 Comments

“What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever gotten through together?” “Either sustaining heavy casualties while clearing out an island infested with hidden bunkers over the course of five bloody weeks, or syphilis.”

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