Booty calls can be tricky business. Use this guide to get down to business.

A User’s Guide To Booty Calls

April 01, 2015 / by / 2 Comments

Welcome to Relationship Status, a series of discussions about romance and relationships in the 21st century.

Because we live in a society literally founded by Puritans, we tend to project a lot of shame onto asking for sex.1 So that adds an extra level of shame to the Booty Call, the basic premise of which is “It’s a quarter after one…and I need you now.”

But despair not, friends and other humans who happened to click on this link because you were bored-scrolling through your Newsfeed and saw the word “Booty.” It doesn’t have to be this way. It really doesn’t. Here are a few step-by-step, kinda-difficult-to-follow-but-just-trust-me-okay tips to ensure that your Booty Call experience does not leave you wracked and wrecked by self-loathing for a fortnight:

Imma initiate a thing.

Woooo! Go for it! Do you!

Wait, first, are you wasted?

Nope!

Great. Just double-checking.

I get it. I appreciate you lookin’ out for me.

Friends!

Friends! Anyway, my first question is, who?

If you’re “reaching out” to somebody who isn’t currently in the same room as you, it should be somebody who you’ve already known in the Biblical sense. Hitting up a complete sexual stranger (again, who is not already in the room with you) for some late night extracurricular activity is the Hail Mary that almost inevitably gets intercepted in the end zone. It reeks of desperation, and nobody feels good about desperation. Asking for sex is great, using desperation for sex as a tactic to attain sex is not.

And no exes. Do not booty call your ex. Bad. That’s just courting disaster.

What do I say? 

I’m a big fan of honesty. I mean, don’t do the “Lets fuk” move (because that’s neophyte shit and you’re better than that), but also don’t make it seem like it’s anything that it isn’t. You’re not inviting them over for a wholesome night of Monopoly and milk and cookies. A simple “Hey, wanna come over later/now?” should suffice. Especially if you followed my advice from earlier about trodding the path you’ve already trod, they’ll know what you’re asking. Also the hour will be a pretty clear indicator.

P.S. Text. Don’t call, don’t use Facebook chat or any form of communication that involves read receipts. That’s just poor form. Both parties need a plausible “Oh sorry I didn’t see this I was sleeping sorry!” to avoid the big, wet matzah ball on the floor that is a Booty Call ignored.

They said yes and they’re on their way to me/I’m on my way to them!

Great! Move on to the next step!

They said no. Meh.

Accept defeat and move on. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, and definitely do not try to beg, plead, or cajole. First off, that’s some weak-ass bullshit. Don’t be that person who pulls some weak-ass bullshit. Second off, again, desperation. Third, we live in a time where our phones and computers save all of our past conversations. There’s no shame in the ask, but if you get weird and beggy afterwards, that shit gets saved for all time. And even if you delete it, the other person most certainly won’t. The next time you text them or they go to text you about whatever they’ll be reminded of your “history.” So just don’t do it. No means no. Walk it off, soldier.

::Whooshy sound. Subtitle: Somewhere else. Not in the same room::

Yes, I am in two places at once. Just accept the premise, ok?

Hey, this person just reached out to me, should I go over/have them over?

I can’t answer that one for you. That’s for you to decide, kid.

Wait, first, are you wasted?

Nah, man, I’m not about that life.

Killer.

Do I want to have sex with them?

If the answer to this one is yes, then move on to the next question. If the answer is no, well, then don’t. Give as much of an explanation as you see fit to give (which could also be none at all).

Is it too late?

We’re young and we’re virile, and thus can reasonably be operating at a rather late hour and still be functional the next day. On the other hand, tiredness is a thing, exhaustion is a real thing, and sometimes we just don’t have it in us on a given evening. Legit. But I do think it’s courteous to let the other person know that it’s not them you are rejecting, it’s the hour. The flipside of that is don’t lie and say that you’re too tired if actually you’re rejecting the person, because then that person may think they still have a chance with you when they so totally don’t. Honesty. Yay.

Is their home too far? 

If you would feel physically in danger either walking the streets or taking public transit to get to this person’s domicile at this hour, don’t go. No nookie is worth dying for (Lemme repeat: No nookie is worth dying for). That being said, modern technology has allowed for the advent of a service that theoretically negates this danger.

Uber. Uber changed the game. It’s fast, and it’s cheap! Though I would suggest that you do a fare estimate before you order one. You don’t wanna end up spending so much on the Uber that you feel like you paid to have sex, because there’s a word for that, and the money isn’t even going to the person you’re having sex with, and there’s a word for that too.

They’re/I’m here! What now?!

I don’t know. That ain’t this column. Ask Dan Savage or Dr. Ruth or somebody like that. Just be cool, be consensual, and rock on rock all. We’ll talk tomorrow morning.

::Whooshy sound. Subtitle: The next morning.::

Should I leave before the other person wakes up? 

Nah, dude. That’s not nice because it makes the other person feel like you’re embarrassed of what happened because you’re not willing to engage with them when it’s light outside. So stick around to say hello. If you really have to go, leave a note or text or something for the person to wake up to, just so they don’t think you hate yourself because you did the horizontal mambo with them. On the other hand…

They asked me to leave.

Then do so. We all have shit to do, yo. Don’t impede the progress of another person’s day because you’re too lazy to get your pants on right at this very moment.

Uh oh, I just ran into this person in the world!

Don’t freak out. Be a person. Awkwardness is a state of mind, not a state of being. It’s only weird if you make it weird. So don’t.

::End of play. Thank you, thank you, we’ll be running ‘till the end of May.::

Shame is stupid, my friends. It’s potent and sneaky and gives you awful posture and makes you wanna curl up into a ball and eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos all day. You don’t deserve to go through that (unless you deserve to go through that), and asking for/accepting sex at a late hour because why-not-have-sex-if-you-otherwise-wouldn’t-be is not a reason to do that to yourself.

Just don’t be a creep. Be a human. Have a conversation and make sure it’s something that you both want and a decision that isn’t being made under the influence of some serious shit and you’ll be fine.

As always, hit me up at jschn111@gmail.com for comments, suggestions, or to call me an asshole, which, you know, I need sometimes.