The (Very) In-Depth Guide to Naming Your Penis
Schlong. Quiver bone. Surfboardt. There are hundreds of different names for what we as a society have come to call “the penis.” However, a true gentleman does not settle on a generic description like “purple-helmeted warrior of love” for his own ding-dong. No, he must find an individual name for his meat constrictor – one that matches his personality, goals, and pubic hair.
However, finding the perfect name for your lap rocket is a difficult undertaking, one requiring wisdom and deep personal (and interpersonal) exploration. That’s why we’re here to help. The phallic nomenclature experts at National Ave have come together (HA!) to create a step-by-step process for helping you to decide what you’ll name your ramburglar.
Step 1: Deciding If You’re A Penis-Naming Man
Let’s be honest here: Not every man can or should name his penis. Maybe you’re a quiet guy. Maybe you hate talking about your penis. Maybe your penis holds an ancient curse that will be unleashed upon the Earth whenever someone says its true name, so avoiding giving it a name is the only surefire way to protect humanity from its wrath.
Whatever the reason, your penis may not be name-worthy. So, take several moments, and think long and hard (you didn’t think I’d go there, huh? I went there, alright. You bet I did) about whether you think your schmeckel should have a name.
If you’re convinced your penis is deserving of a name, move on to step two.
If you’ve decided your junk is just that, and it deserves no special title, the process does not stop here. There are a couple situations in which not having a name could just be the defining characteristic of your penis.
The first situation applies to mysterious men. 1 In situations such as these, it is not that your penis should not have a name, but simply that giving your penis a name would cause harm to your aura. This is an unfortunate situation but the following solution should compensate.
Instead of having others call your penis by whatever name they choose, or simply allowing them to call it a penis, you should instead “shhhh” people whenever your penis is mentioned. So if a man or woman happens to say “let me see your…” you cut them off with a mysterious “shhhh” and finger raise. This will make you seem even more alluring. 2
The second situation applies to men too shy or modest to name their Johnsons. For these men, there are two (2!!!!) options.
Option one is simple and demure: simply state you don’t name your genitalia. Most women will consider this pretty reasonable, and not question further. The few that exclaim, “YOU DON’T NAME YOUR PENIS????” are probably good to avoid anyhow.
Option two is high-risk, low-reward – but maximum fun for stories: Ask the person you’re with to name it. What a person calls another individual’s no-no parts can reveal a lot about him or her, so a simply “What do you want to call it?” can go a long way in finding out if the person you’re with is right for you. However, there is the potential downside that saying “We’ll call my penis whatever you want to call it ;)” is…well…probably the weirdest things you can say regarding your penis, short of calling it Elmer Fudd. 3
Step Two: Are You an Asshole?
Once you’ve decided that you’re the type of guy who wants to name his penis, you have to ask yourself the fundamental question: “Am I an asshole?” Since you’re the type of guy who wants to name his penis, you very well could be. But since you’re also still reading this, maybe not (KEEP READING PLEASE).
So, are you an asshole?
If you are, you should probably give your penis a typical asshole name like “The Destroyer” or “The Sledgehammer” – you know, something that will let potential hook-ups know that you don’t really know what to do with your penis, but instead settle for just throwing your weight around like you’re in a demolition derby. Giving your penis a typical douchebag name will also do everyone a huge favor, because when you mention your “Monster” in conversation, there will be no need for anyone to try to reason out why you named your penis that. Instead, everyone can just assume you suck as a person and hopefully avoid you forever.
If you’re not an asshole, feel free to move onto step three and not hate yourself.
Step Three: Assessing Your Accoutrements
Yep, I’m talking about the ole below-the-waist beard.
Pubic hair is often the defining characteristic for any man’s willie, unless you have a particularly pretty penis (HINT: You probably don’t). Because of this, it’s important to assess the typical state of your pubic hair and decide which of the following three categories you best fit into:
Category One: Stylish
If you happen to be the kind of guy who combs, presses, perms, or bedazzles his pubic hair – your penis’ name needs to be related to your salon-quality styling. The best option within this category is to name your penis after a celebrity whose hair your penis’ most resembles. Whether it’s Burt Reynolds, Carrot Top, George Simmons, or Burt Reynolds (If you have a reason to name your penis Burt Reynolds, do it.) – naming your penis after a celebrity with noteworthy hair is really the best option for seeming both relatively clever and somewhat reasonable when you inevitably explain why you’ve named your penis Queen Elizabeth the First.
Category Two: Unkempt
Ahhh well if it isn’t Mr. I Don’t Need To Shave My Pubic Hair. For the love of God, please just trim your Osama bin Laden into a respectable Burt Reynolds. If you aren’t willing to do that, you need to give your penis a name that forewarns everyone of the misfortune they will face if they happen to encounter it. It’s only fair.
Whether that name is Pig Pen, or Hagrid, or It – the name bestowed upon your hidden schlong should explain to any possible suitors that they will be trekking forth towards the Amazon Rainforest of genitalia – minus the wildlife (hopefully) and horrible deforestation.
Category Three: “Normal”
If you’re the type of person who maintains regular upkeep of your pubic hair, but doesn’t go as far as giving it a whole spa day, congratulations on being a normal, functioning member of society! Unfortunately though, you’re going to have to get a little more creative in your penis naming decision. It’s time for step four.
Step Four: Assessing Your Personality Type
You can’t spell personality without penis. You also can’t spell president without penis. What do these two facts have to do with naming your dick? Nothing, but they sure sound controversial, right???
Random spelling facts aside, finding the right name for your penis is all about understanding who you are as a man, and as a human being. This can take years upon years of reflection – or a Buzzfeed quiz. Whatever your method of self-discovery, taking the time to understand yourself will help you greatly in knowing what to name your penis, especially because we have these nifty personality stereotypes to guide you to the best meatstick moniker!
The Hipster: While most hipsters will find their penises stuck with hair-defined names like Jon Waters or Kurt Vonnegut, some hipsters will find themselves lost in the void of nothingness that is Hipster Penis Limbo (not to be confused with the strange party competition played at Pitchfork Festivus parties, which bears the same name). For these hipsters, there are two good options.
The first possibility is to adopt one of the douchebag penis names, but always say it with an aggressive condescension that lets everyone know that you understand the silliness of traditional hetero-normative values, but also don’t respect anyone enough to treat them like an intelligent person. This will give you the satisfaction of making sure you can show people you’re better than them in any situation, even when answering something as goofy as “what you would you name your penis?”
The second option is to name your penis after an artist or band on Pitchfork’s top albums list. By doing this, you can reference some super obscure song lyric that epitomizes why you chose that name for your penis and make everyone realize why they don’t invite you to anything. Bonus points for choosing a band that also serves as an ironic penis pun like “The Strokes” or “Grizzly Bear.”
The Boring Person: Being boring is nothing to be ashamed of. So what if Buzzfeed told you that you’re meant to live in Omaha? Who cares if the only compliment people ever give you is “he’s always there. Physically.”? You still have a right to give your penis a name. In fact, this is your time to shine! This is the first step you’ll take in changing the way people see you. That’s why I recommend not giving your penis a name, but instead giving it a sound. Answering “what would you name your penis?” with a distinct, high-pitched yelp or guttural growl will let people know you’re not just another boring wallflower.
If that’s not your speed though, you can always give your penis a standard name like Steve or Richard. 4
The Intellectual: If you call yourself an intellectual but also want to name your penis, you’re probably a liar – so it’s best to give your penis a name that references something that sounds smart, but is really basic. Giving your penis a name like “Atticus Finch” or “Rodion Raskolnikov” 5 will give you the opportunity to seem smart or witty without actually forcing you to have any knowledge or wit beyond that of an 8th grade lit student.
The Comedian: The pressure is on for you. Unfortunately, you don’t only have to come up with a name for your penis, but also a punch line. Your best option is to with something self-deprecating.
Saying something like “I call my penis Congress because it works really slowly and still only leaves 12 percent of people satisfied,” or “My penis is named John Carter because everyone who has seen it wishes it was never released,” is a great way to make people like you because there’s nobody more likable than a friendly person to whom people consider themselves superior.
The Athletic Guy: If you care about what people think of you at all, don’t name your penis after anything to do with sports. I don’t care how much you like the Yankees or whether your penis is a five-iron (you should probably get that fixed). Naming your penis after something related to sports is an automatic turn-off for 98% of people, so it’s best to stick to a simple name, like Burt Reynolds.
Step Five: The Formula
Well, it looks like we’re here. I’m not even 100 percent sure what “here” is at this point, but it’s where we are.
Somehow, you’re neither an asshole, nor do you have distinctive public hair, nor do you conveniently fit into our well-researched stereotypes. You are the white buffalo of penises 6. For you, there is but one solution: the formula.
Yes, like stripper names (name of your first pet + name of the street you live on) and celebrity baby names (generic object + city where child was conceived), there is a formula for penis names. While it is greatly preferred that you have an individualized penis name so your potential lover doesn’t get you mixed up with the several other men they’re banging 7, the flesh flute formula is an acceptable last resort.
What is this magical formula, you ask? Well, it’s fairly straightforward. First, you take the name of your favorite phallic food. Then, combine that with the last name of your favorite historical figure.
FORMULA: Phallic Food + Last Name of Historical Figure = Penis Name
It’s as simple as that. The resulting combination is amusing, yet respectable (well, as respectable as a name for any dong can be). With name possibilities like Kielbasa Clinton or Cucumber Jefferson, there’s bound to be a good name for your Johnson out there.
Welp. That’s it. Our time here is done. Hopefully you and your newly named penis have many adventures to come (BOOM.) in your futures.