Four Ways To Make Applying For Jobs More Exciting
Applying for jobs sucks. It’s tedious, difficult, and a constant reminder of the fact that you still don’t have a job. However, it doesn’t have to be that awful. National Ave has four tips that will make the job application much more exciting.
Including a Blatant Lie on Your Résumé
Several studies have found that recruiters spend approximately six seconds looking at a job résumé before deciding whether a candidate is a good fit for a job, so why not raise the stakes on the few seconds you’ll have by putting a bald-faced lie on your résumé?
Putting a lie on your résumé serves a couple purposes (HERE COME THE MUFFUGGIN’ SUB-POINTS):
1. It tests the recruiter:
Think about this: Do you really want to work for a company that is willing to ignore you putting “48-inch vertical leap” on your résumé? Yes? What about one that doesn’t call you out for saying you “slew the 95 dragons in the battle of Mordor?” You do? Okay. Imagine this situation happened when you weren’t terribly unemployed and feeding yourself macaroni and vodka for every meal. You probably wouldn’t want to be part of a company that doesn’t even care to point out even the most obvious lies, so including one on your résumé is a great tool to help make sure the company is a good fit for you.
2. You might just get away with it and impress people
Depending on just how ridiculous you make your lie, you might (MIGHT) just get away with it – which would be awesome. Can you imagine walking into your first day of work and knowing that half of the office thinks that you successfully landed a malfunctioning plane? I can – and I have a huge erection because of it.
However, you will have to be careful to make your lie something that isn’t capable of being performed. Trust me, one little white lie like “I’m really good at working with groups,” and all of a sudden you have to working in a fucking group. Keep your lie to something easy like “punched a polar bear in his face.”
Implementing a Lightning Round
Applying to jobs is a painfully arduous process, so what better way to spice up this chore than by turning it into a competition against yourself? For every hour you spend intensely focusing on one application, spend a half hour in a “lightning round” in which you finish as many applications as possible. You’ll soon find that the application process becomes a lot more enjoyable when you don’t actually think about the jobs to which you’re applying, and instead fall into a speed-driven typing frenzy like a 2nd grader forced to take a “words per minute” test. Plus, you’ll feel really good about yourself when you exit your cocaine-induced focus-induced haze to discover you somehow finished 27 applications in fourteen minutes. So good in fact that you’ll want to reward yourself with ANOTHER LIGHTNING ROUND.
Playing a Character in Your Cover Letter
The Cover Letter – the most excruciating part of every job application. Why does every company insist on requesting this document, asking why you want to work “for this company, and only this company,” when we all know the real answer to “Why are you applying here?” is generally “Because you’re a company that hires people and I’m a person that needs to be hired for something. Also, I guess I majored in something vaguely related to this job but not really.” It will always baffle me. However, since the cover letter is likely never going to go away, like herpes or Rob Schneider, you’re likely going to have to find a way to get through being forced to write about yourself. Our solution: Write about yourself as someone else. More specifically write about yourself as your favorite fictional character.
By allowing Harry Potter or Batman to be the one to explain why you’re a good fit for the company to which you’re applying, you will be able to free yourself from the phobia of talking about one’s self that defines many apprehensive job candidates. Plus, implementing an element of fiction will allow your writing to take on a life of its own, inspiring you in ways that “I wanted to apply to McBain & Sachs because I believe they are really good at consulting and can consult well and I want to consult well because consulting is a thing I want to do,” never could.
A word of warning: Be careful about who you choose to narrate your story. Some voices are stronger than others.
Allow It To Cripple Your Social Interactions
Despite all of the other tips, there is really no better way to find enjoyment in the job application process than to allow it to completely cripple your ability to find happiness in others or life as a whole. Letting your search for work inhibit your ability to connect with your friends, take care of your health, or even look yourself in the mirror without screaming is absolutely the best way to add excitement to the entire process.
Remember: Everything you do and will ever do will be completely defined by your job, so shirking your normal responsibilities and ignoring opportunities to spend time with loved ones is to add some fun into your life before you finally join the working world.